The Ending

I have no idea what the title of this post should be, but I guess "The Ending" sounds good :)..

Wow, reading back my own blog really gives me chills all the way to the back of my very own spine. I can't believe what I've read on my very own blog.

Past one month has been a really overwhelming month for me..

I went to Japan for a holiday and I really enjoyed my trip!! *yay for that*

But unfortunately, I had an accident where I fell in the bathtub and knocked the back of my head. Well, I was unconscious for a moment and when I woke up, I still remember the fear and the shock that I've felt then because I didn't know where and why was I there. I had to get up from the bathtub and sit on my bed quietly to gather the thoughts back and I remembered I was in Japan for a holiday.

Being the usual me, I thought it was just a fall. I mean, how bad can a fall be apart of the swelling, right? I went back to sleep and the next day when I woke up I was feeling nauseated; I had double vision and feeling very fatigue. I couldn't go for a checkup because most of the Japanese don't speak English and neither do I understand Japanese. So, I decided to wait and to do a checkup when I'm back in Malaysia.

I had high fever on the day I landed in Malaysia and the next day I realised I can't seem to remember things that has happened in the recent months. I quickly went to see a GP and she diagnosed me with concussion. She referred me to see a neurologist to get my brain checked. I did a MRI and a CT scan.  The neurologist has diagnosed me with concussion and amnesia. It's been nearly a month since the accident and I haven't felt any better. I have very bad headaches; my eye sight is really bad that I need a glasses; there's ringing sound in my ear and I can't seem to remember what I've forgotten. 

The worst part of this whole accident is not about the pain that I'm feeling but rather losing a part of myself. I've lost memories about 1-2 years of my life. I don't remember the friendships I've made over these period and the events and things I've done. I know this whole blog is about my ex boyfriend, a guy whom I used to love so much.. But, I can't even remember him now.. 

What I know about my ex boyfriend is what I read from my own blog. I guess I started writing this blog as a means of soothing my feeling .. But in the end I'm reading this blog to help me understand and remember things that has happened in my life, how ironic is it? 

Everyone told me how good it was for me not have amnesia because it's better this way. I didn't understand why until I decided to read my very own blog.. My good friend told me I had a blog and it's all about my ex boyfriend... I finally decide to read on this guy whom I have no memories of. I guess I finally understood why everyone said it was good. Reading my very own blog, I can feel the pain, sadness and anger in it. I don't feel angry or sad at you now because there's nothing to be sad about instead I found it funny.. I never imagined how I would ever allow myself to love someone to that very extent. I frankly don't remember and I can't remember how it felt. 

People have been telling me how good it is to have amnesia because I get to have a second first impression on people.. Well, my second first impression on my ex boyfriend is bad. Why? Just shortly after I've been diagnosed with amnesia I've received two screenshot messages of you and another party. The things that you talk about and the things you are capable of saying makes me sick. I don't care how much I loved you but at this very moment, you make me sick. 

One of the saddest thing for my mum and friends that I've met in church would probably be how I don't remember the connection between me and God. The Nicole now don't feel that it is important going to church and it isn't a priority to me. This could be because I have regressed back to two years ago where I stopped attending church. I don't know if I would ever get the same feeling going to church again like how I once felt back then. Friends that I've made in church are trying hard to help me remember the times I've shared with them and the things I've done with them.. But the more they do that, the more they treat me as the Nicole I once was, it gets me stressed. I feel bad for not remembering them; for not remembering people I once value so much as a friend.. I guess this is something that I can't seem to face and bear at the moment and decided to explore and try some other churches. I don't know if I could find that passion and love I once had for church and for God but I hope I would be able to find the Nicole everyone once knew. Maybe like what Michelle said, I should have a new start. I should make more friends and get to know more people and also reconnect with the people I've forgotten.. To take things one step at a time and not pressurize myself... Whatever my reason was to stay in my previous church, it could be because of my ex boyfriend or the people in the church.. But it isn't important anymore because I don't remember them and that I should have a new start and a new life... 

Amnesia has taken a part of me away.. All the life experiences that I've learned over the years is just gone in a blink of an eye..

Although it really hurts me and the people I've forgotten, I will just have to live my life now..

If my memories are meant to come back, it would eventually... 

I've tried too hard to remember events that has occurred which caused me much headache and I just don't want to inflict more pain on myself..

I'll just be a brand new Nicole to everyone including myself...

Be the best that I can... 

As for you, my ex boyfriend... 

I don't know you anymore and I really don't want to know you anymore.

Frankly speaking, if you stand right in front of me now, I probably won't even recognize you..

Well, reading on the things I've wrote about you... You seem to be a pretty decent guy or maybe I was blinded and bias with my very own judgement because I was in love with you..

I'm just curious to why I would fall for you so deeply and allowed you to hurt me so much.. But despite how you've hurt me, I still loved you.. I really don't get that. I guess to fully understand that, I would have to ask the me back then. I don't know if my memories would ever come back but I do hope it will come back.. Maybe there was a lot of unhappiness after the break up between us, but I'm sure I would have learnt a lot from this whole relationship that I once felt so much for. Also, I would really want to remember the friendships I've shared and made over the past year and to remember my very own relationship with God. 

The ending for this blog, for us: 

You lead your life, I'll lead mine..

You live your life, I'll live mine..

You go your way, I'll go mine..

We will walk on our very seperate paths...

Whether we'll ever meet again, I don't know... 

Even if we do, it'll be better not to talk..

Whatever we may be, I won't know..

If we're meant to be in each other lives as friends or anything else, it'll be God who would decide and lead us..

Till then.....

Goodbye ex boyfriend.....

Day 89

In the last three months, many people have been telling me how mean, selfish and confused you are.. But everytime someone says something like this, I will brush it away with an excuse for every action of yours... I will always find a reason and excuse behind every action you do and I somehow did not realise it....

I stumbled across a video you sent me when we were still together, a video of morning devotion at your clinic.. I watched the video; watched you strumming the guitar; watched you singing... It reminded me of everything I loved about you when we were together... Half way through the video, tears started streaming down my face.. I looked at you in the picture and said "you did hurt me"... 

I cried even more.....

At that very moment I realized that all these while I did find excuses and reasons behind all of your actions... Some people would even ask me "Nicole, why are you trying to reason his actions that has hurt you, why are you trying to protect him ? Why are you telling yourself that this is just an unfortunate event and not him hurting you"... 

The fact is.... I'm not like what they said... I didn't find excuses or reasons behind your actions to protect you from being blamed for hurting me.... 

The reason I did what I did was because of me... I was protecting myself... I was being selfish.... 

I didn't want to accept the fact that the guy whom I loved so much ended a relationship that I truly cherished and valued.... 

I rather lie and make myself believe that there was a 1001 reasons that forced you into a decision of leaving me.. And that if you could, you would never have left me.:: 

It's how I make myself believe that you had to leave and not you wanting to leave.......

I didn't want myself to believe that you did actually hurt me by leaving me.:::: 

I never want to accept the fact that you did hurt me because I never once thought you would ever hurt me... 

Now that I have come to terms with my own emotions, I'm feeling messed up....

Maybe why i could face you all these while was because I never believed or accepted the fact that my heart was hurt by you.. That whatever that has happened to our relationship was not an unfortunate event or you being forced to end it... But rather it's you wanting to leave me because you're happier without me.........

I guess... I can't talk or face you anymore....

Simply because..... Facing a guy whom I once loved so much but has hurt me so deeply is tough... 

I... Can't face you anymore...

But.... I know even if I don't see you anymore ... It doesn't affect you in any way....

Day 87

I've been sick for the past three weeks but it's just getting worse now..
I feel so weak, miserable and emotional.....
I told myself to be strong and happy because I deserved to..
I told myself you were not worth my time and love because you were simply never into me ..if you were, you wouldn't have let me go...
It's like if I were to question myself and ask if I would ever want to leave you back then... I don't even have to think to answer that question because I knew how I truly loved you and living my life without you will be the last thing I ever wanna do... No matter how hard the situation may be, I will still hold on to you because I love you enough to not let you slipped away...
You on the other hand just  chose to leave me for whatever reason it is.. But one thing sure is, you were never into me if you were you wouldn't have let me go...
I'm crying as im typing this simply because I'm feeling very emotional now.... You would care about other people who is sick but you wouldn't care if I'm sick anymore... You said we were still friends but the fact is we are strangers now....

I'm feeling so sick that I've been sleeping very early for the past two days...
I woke up this morning dreaming about you..
I dreamt of you texting me asking if I was feeling better...
The dream was a dream I never want to wake up from because you cared about me in the dream.... You were concerned and you cared even if it was just a friendly thing to do rather than how you are towards me now, cold and treating me like I am a stranger...
At this very moment, I just want want to be in your arms and only yours...
I remembered last year when I was sick, you came to find me to make sure I was fine...
I recalled how you told me back then that you would be my charging station when I'm feeling tired, weak or sad... You'll give me the power to go through everything and anything...
The funny thing is you are still the one and only one who could give me such feeling....

Someone told me how you were being really mean and harsh to me after us breaking up...
How you didn't care bout how I feel or rather you proritizing your own feelings...
How you said we were still friends but acting like strangers around me and being very cold to me....
You told me you're finding your own space, I understand that...
You said you were not only avoiding me but also avoiding the group.. But somehow I think it's more of you avoiding me because of how you act in front of me... How you were disappointed and uncomfortable that I went for the board games session at center point.. It kinda hurts because it feels like I'm such a terrible person to be around that you felt so uncomfortable...
Maybe I'm such a terrible person to be around that seeing my pictures on Instagram and Facebook became a problem to you too...
What am I to you?? Friends? Church members? Or just strangers......

Despite whatever that was done or said...
I just miss you....
I just want to be hugged by you....
I just want to be loved by you....
But...  It's never gonna be possible....
You know, I really hate myself....
One moment I feel like telling you how I still feel for you but the next moment I don't want you to know....
One moment I feel like hugging you but I know I can't anymore....

Panda, I find one of the purest form of love is praying for someone without them knowing...
I've been praying for you and always have been...
I told God that I still feel for you but I know that loving someone is not about myself is about the other person, in this case it's you...
I prayed that if you are dating now, I hope that you would find your own happiness and be happy with that girl...
I would be lying if I said I won't be sad, of course I would but maybe just for a short while....
It's easier said than done when I say that I would be happy for you if being happy for you means being with someone else...
It's hard to do but im learning... Ultimately when you love someone, you just want them to be happy....
I want you to be happy...
People said... Being in love is learning how to love that one person the right way and I'm still in the midst of learning.....
I'm learning how to love you from afar because this is all I can do for now......

I really miss you, panda🐼...
If there's one thing I could wish for that would come true now, it would be me being in your arms......

Day 71

You have decided to unfollow me on Instagram today and I wonder why....
You unfollowed me and that girl from Flingstones...
I guess I wasn't so shocked over you unfollowing me on Instagram but I was really shocked with you unfollowing her.. Afterall, you thought she was really cute and you wanted to date her out...
I'm left being puzzled...

I thought I would be devastated or at least I would start crying knowing the fact that you have stopped following me on Instagram but somehow I didn't cry....
But I really wonder why did you have to unfollow me....
Did my post bother you? Or did you feel uncomfortable by looking at my pictures?
Your actions by unfollowing me on social media seemed like something I would do after a break up, feels like you're trying to move on from the broken relationship... But I thought you've moved on a long time ago...?
I have many thoughts on my mind to why you had to unfollow me but I really wouldn't know the actual reason because I'm not you....

The reasons that I can think of is:
1. You realised you haven't moved on from the relationship and that you need to move on now knowing that I've already moved on.
2. Whatever I post on Instagram bothers and affect you to some extent... But I don't understand why..
3. You realised the only way for us to completely get going in our own lives is to have a clear cut...

There are more reasons... But... Oh well.....

Day 69

Today has been a rather emotional day for me....
I heard you asked if I went out with my boyfriend yesterday as well as you met a pretty lawyer.. I guess I should congratulate you?
My feelings was very mixed today...
I wonder why would you make such a statement of me going out with my so called boyfriend... It feels like you are curious to know if I have a boyfriend now.. But the question is why would you want to know or care??
Yinli has been trying to arrange badminton sessions for this coming week but I heard that you've got plans on and that you can't make it.. But honestly, it's obvious that you're avoiding me... Just a week ago you told us to ask you to join for any hiking session as you're interested and a week later when we asked, you gave excuses to not go...
I'm pretty sure I'm not wrong that you're avoiding me... But I don't know the reason behind this...
You might have just decided to avoid me completely in order for us to really have a clean cut and that nothing is left in between us..

There are 3 things we've said we would do together but we will never have the opportunity to do it...
1. Kungfu Panda 3
2. Cameron Highland
3. Genting New Theme Park

There are a lot of guys who asked me out to watch Kungfu Panda 3 with them.. Of all the  movies, they wanted me to watch this with them.... But this is something we were supposed to do together so I refused to watch this movie with any of them... I didn't want to do something we were supposed to do with another guy, it's just wrong... So..
I went to watch Kungfu Panda 3 today with Sammy and her boyfriend...
The movie was really entertaining and funny but... As entertaining as it may be, I cried as I was watching it.....
I was laughing.. Then crying... And then laughing again.... And crying again.....
All that was on my mind was if you were here, it would've been perfect....
Some of the part in the movies which was really funny, I could picture in my mind the way you would laugh... The really happy kind of laugh from you..... It felt as though I could hear you laughing at the back of my mind.....

I know you think that Ive probably moved on with someone else or at least I've already moved on from our broken relarionship and from you...
But hey... Just look where I am now... Im stucked ......
I think about you every single day.. I think about our memories and times we shared every day...
Just how am I gonna move on as easy as you think it might be for me?
If only if moving on was something so easy, I would've been much happier now...

Few days ago I just realised that I have been suppressing my inner feelings about you and us...
In front of the whole world and especially in front of you, I appear to be very happy and cheerful.. But deep inside me, I am feeling empty..
I am...depressed but.. I'm managing it.....
Everytime when I'm around you or around our mutual friends, I'll appear to be super happy...
I'm not doing this to make you feel better but it's for me to feel better about myself...
It's easier to fake a smile then to answer questions from people to why I'm unhappy....
The moment I leave Homes or my friends, my facial expression would immediate change...
The emptiness in my heart will slowly creep in......

I wish you all the best in your dates or any new relarionship you're gonna be in....
But as for me, it's gonna take awhile more to grip hold of  myself and to be ready for another relationship...
I am afraid of loving again..... I am truly scared....
If loving someone is so painful,  I would rather not love anymore in the future....
But whatever it is, I'm gonna leave it to God ....
Hoping that God would guide us to wherever or whoever we should be for His glory and for the best of us.....

Just how long more before I can stop missing you....?

Day 64

It's been two months plus since we've broken up.. How are you doing? I guess you're pretty much fine from what I can see...
It's funny how you think I've moved on so well but the fact is im still stucked here.. I'm not stagnant but I'm still in the midst of moving on, getting over you...
At times I wonder If I would ever get over you.. We weren't in a relationship for a very long period but you gave me a lot to remember.. There are things that I never want to forget about you because it still means a lot to me as of now....

You're the light, you're the night...
You're the color of my blood...
You're the cure, you're the pain..
You're the only thing I wanna touch...
Never knew that you could mean so much......

Everytime when I bump into you or when I see you, you tend to ask me a lot of weird questions..
You like asking me if I'm dating or if there are guys after me now..
I always wonder how or why it would still matter to you because it seemed like you don't care about how I feel anymore...
Everytime when you talk to me and gently pat my arms and shoulders, it feels weird...
It's like a touch that seemed so familiar yet unfamiliar...
It's like a touch I still long for but I know I shoudlnt have it anymore....
At times I still feel your touch in my dreams and I hope it'll last....

Many people are telling me how I should stop loving you or being obsessed about you...
They told me I should be crazy over a guy who would be crazy over me too....
I just can't seem to bring myself to do it...
There's just a very strong feeling of you still lingering in me..
I don't know why but it just feels like I should just stay here and wait for you...
I know how everyone would say I'm being stupid for still having feelings for you but it's just something I myself cannot explain to myself..
I don't know why I would feel for you so deeply or why I still won't give up on you....
I know I should stop being obsessed over you and start noticing the people around me, something that you would do too....

I don't know if I'm being blessed by the people around me but..this month alone there are a few guys who have told me how much they liked me and how deep they felt for me...
Given the old Nicole a few years ago, I would have started dating or being in a relationship with those guys because it would be the easiest way of moving on; focusing on other people...
But the Nicole now.. Just don't want to do things the way she did before..
If I'm going to move on from you, getting over you.. It will have to be me going through the process of grieving and finally deciding to let go of you..
I don't wanna rebound neither do I want to hurt the guys around me.....
There are some nice guys who would tell me how they would wait for me until I have finally moved on from you before pursuing me... And how they would stand by my side, listening to me talking about you....
I'm truly blessed but I feel bad.... Because I know how much it hurts listening to someone you like/love talking about someone else....

I'm not afraid that I can't find someone whom will love me and treat me right...
But... I'm afraid that I can't find someone whom I will love with all my heart like how I loved you....

I really feel the urge of wanting to hug you but I know I cant....
I will never be able to wrap myself around your arms...
I will never be able to lean on your shoulders to cry..
I will never be able to hold onto your arms...
I will never be able to smile and talk to you like how I usually would..
I will never be able to sleep in your arms...
I will never be able to talk to you over the phone...
I will never be able to watch tv series together....
I will never be able to share with you my new hobby......

There are so many more things that I would wanna do with you, to share with you...
But I can never share with you because we will never be the same as before...
Someone told me even if we were ever gonna be together, we will still have to start from scratch because the foundation is broken....
It's not about fixing the relationship that has been broken but instead it's about creating something better....
But... I doubt we would have anything more than friends given the seperate ways we are going......

Day 56

I have stopped blocking for the past 22 days because I thought I have recovered ... 

The fact is I have not and I don't know if I would ever recover....

When I was already recovering from the break up and from you blocking me on whatsapp... You decided to unblock me on Chinese New Year.. You whaysapp and Facebook messaged me.. I didn't respond because I wanted to keep a distance with you.... 

You know, that day when Michelle left to Australia, I was really sad... Guys who are hitting on me wanted to be there by my side to make sure I'm fine... But.. I didn't want any of them to ne there for me because all I ever wanted was you... It would be much easier for me to go through the sadness with those guys around... They would provide me the emotional support that I need to cope with the things that has happened but... All I wanted was you..... That night when Michelle left to Australia, I drove outside your house and parked at the same spot... I cried so badly in the car wanting to feel your arms around me again... I wanted you to be there and to provide me the emotional support that I need... Being outside your house somehow made me feel calm, I feel you near me..... 

Just when I think I was coping well with our break up and that I could treat you like a friend... You initiated brunch and a board game session with me and Yinli .. I guess it's because you thought that I was going to leave to UK for my studies, so you wanted things to be more normal for us.. We went for lunch at Flingstones and you actually asked me on ways to date a girl out because you thought that girl who was working there was cute.... Don't you think its stupid to ask your ex girlfriend on ways to date another girl out? How insensitive can you be?! I was mad and angry because I still love you... It hurt me a lot..... I refused to answer you so you asked Yinli instead.. She told you on ways to find that girl through Instragram... You told me you were just joking about that girl but you eventually did take the effort to find her Instagram and follow her.. It certainly didn't seem like a joke to me... 

That day you even interrogated me on my relationship with Samuel...

Why would you want to know? Is it important? 

You keep telling me how happy you are for Samuel and I if we were together.. But do you know the way you said it sounded very bitter? 

You even asked me if it was too fast for me to start dating again...

You wanted to give me a goodbye hug on that day but I told you not to touch me...

The fact is... I truly wanted to be in your arms again but I cant... It would just tear me down even more...

You said I am moving on well, but do you know how I am actually coping with this whole thing? 

I break down very often, I think about you very often... And... You are all that's on my mind...

I will never wake up a day without thinking about you and I would never go to sleep a night without thinking of you.... 

I joined church choir because Yinli wanted to join and I was shocked when I was told that you were also joining...

That day when we had the choir practice, you wore the shirt I bought for you...

Why did you wear it in front of me?? 

It brought back a lot of memories.. I remembered how we exchanged our gifts and the look on your face, it was everything I would want to remember..... 

After the practice you tried talking to me and you even tried to look at my phone; wanted to know who I was smsing... Why is it important?? 

Today we had our church anniversary and I thought I would be fine...

You looked great today but I just couldn't bring myself to compliment your appearance... But you came to me and said I look great....

While we were having our breakfast, we chatted for awhile about the board games you played yesterday.. And you asked me if hiking is my new hobby.... 

I just feel like you're still interested to know what's going on in my life and that you still care.... 

I don't know why I'm feeling so depressed now...

I don't know what I can do to recover and to heal from you ....

I just feel so overwhelmed now.... 

It feels really weird that we didn't have lunch together because back then we would.... It's an entirely different feeling....

I guess God wants me to be honest with my feeling that I was stirred by the word of Pastor Kenneth.. He said through Christ, all broken relationships and marriages can be reconciled... Then I asked myself if we could ever reconcile... I even cried at church today because I was just feeling so overwhelmed... 

That is when I realised I was not being honest with myself about my feelings towards you....

Today I was finally honest with my own feelings about you and us... 

I'm not over you and it would take a very long time for me to get over you...

I've had many relationships in the past but you are my first love... You are the first guy whom I truly loved.... 

I know to you right now, you think I've moved on from you and that I am probably dating Samuel.. But.... I'm not dating him... He's just trying to be there for me... 

It's been two months since our break up and I still can't seem to move on from you.... 

There's only one thing that I know right now... Despite of how you've hurt me, you are still perfect in my eyes and I still love you with all my heart for who you are....

I think I need to be completely away from you...

Time to work on myself and to completely heal....

I hope I can control myself from wanting to see or text you....

I would skip church, homes and board games for the time being...

Whatever we may be in future, whether it's friends or lovers again...

We will need a clean break to start the foundation of friendship again.....

I need this........

I... Miss you..........