Day 89

In the last three months, many people have been telling me how mean, selfish and confused you are.. But everytime someone says something like this, I will brush it away with an excuse for every action of yours... I will always find a reason and excuse behind every action you do and I somehow did not realise it....

I stumbled across a video you sent me when we were still together, a video of morning devotion at your clinic.. I watched the video; watched you strumming the guitar; watched you singing... It reminded me of everything I loved about you when we were together... Half way through the video, tears started streaming down my face.. I looked at you in the picture and said "you did hurt me"... 

I cried even more.....

At that very moment I realized that all these while I did find excuses and reasons behind all of your actions... Some people would even ask me "Nicole, why are you trying to reason his actions that has hurt you, why are you trying to protect him ? Why are you telling yourself that this is just an unfortunate event and not him hurting you"... 

The fact is.... I'm not like what they said... I didn't find excuses or reasons behind your actions to protect you from being blamed for hurting me.... 

The reason I did what I did was because of me... I was protecting myself... I was being selfish.... 

I didn't want to accept the fact that the guy whom I loved so much ended a relationship that I truly cherished and valued.... 

I rather lie and make myself believe that there was a 1001 reasons that forced you into a decision of leaving me.. And that if you could, you would never have left me.:: 

It's how I make myself believe that you had to leave and not you wanting to leave.......

I didn't want myself to believe that you did actually hurt me by leaving me.:::: 

I never want to accept the fact that you did hurt me because I never once thought you would ever hurt me... 

Now that I have come to terms with my own emotions, I'm feeling messed up....

Maybe why i could face you all these while was because I never believed or accepted the fact that my heart was hurt by you.. That whatever that has happened to our relationship was not an unfortunate event or you being forced to end it... But rather it's you wanting to leave me because you're happier without me.........

I guess... I can't talk or face you anymore....

Simply because..... Facing a guy whom I once loved so much but has hurt me so deeply is tough... 

I... Can't face you anymore...

But.... I know even if I don't see you anymore ... It doesn't affect you in any way....