The Ending

I have no idea what the title of this post should be, but I guess "The Ending" sounds good :)..

Wow, reading back my own blog really gives me chills all the way to the back of my very own spine. I can't believe what I've read on my very own blog.

Past one month has been a really overwhelming month for me..

I went to Japan for a holiday and I really enjoyed my trip!! *yay for that*

But unfortunately, I had an accident where I fell in the bathtub and knocked the back of my head. Well, I was unconscious for a moment and when I woke up, I still remember the fear and the shock that I've felt then because I didn't know where and why was I there. I had to get up from the bathtub and sit on my bed quietly to gather the thoughts back and I remembered I was in Japan for a holiday.

Being the usual me, I thought it was just a fall. I mean, how bad can a fall be apart of the swelling, right? I went back to sleep and the next day when I woke up I was feeling nauseated; I had double vision and feeling very fatigue. I couldn't go for a checkup because most of the Japanese don't speak English and neither do I understand Japanese. So, I decided to wait and to do a checkup when I'm back in Malaysia.

I had high fever on the day I landed in Malaysia and the next day I realised I can't seem to remember things that has happened in the recent months. I quickly went to see a GP and she diagnosed me with concussion. She referred me to see a neurologist to get my brain checked. I did a MRI and a CT scan.  The neurologist has diagnosed me with concussion and amnesia. It's been nearly a month since the accident and I haven't felt any better. I have very bad headaches; my eye sight is really bad that I need a glasses; there's ringing sound in my ear and I can't seem to remember what I've forgotten. 

The worst part of this whole accident is not about the pain that I'm feeling but rather losing a part of myself. I've lost memories about 1-2 years of my life. I don't remember the friendships I've made over these period and the events and things I've done. I know this whole blog is about my ex boyfriend, a guy whom I used to love so much.. But, I can't even remember him now.. 

What I know about my ex boyfriend is what I read from my own blog. I guess I started writing this blog as a means of soothing my feeling .. But in the end I'm reading this blog to help me understand and remember things that has happened in my life, how ironic is it? 

Everyone told me how good it was for me not have amnesia because it's better this way. I didn't understand why until I decided to read my very own blog.. My good friend told me I had a blog and it's all about my ex boyfriend... I finally decide to read on this guy whom I have no memories of. I guess I finally understood why everyone said it was good. Reading my very own blog, I can feel the pain, sadness and anger in it. I don't feel angry or sad at you now because there's nothing to be sad about instead I found it funny.. I never imagined how I would ever allow myself to love someone to that very extent. I frankly don't remember and I can't remember how it felt. 

People have been telling me how good it is to have amnesia because I get to have a second first impression on people.. Well, my second first impression on my ex boyfriend is bad. Why? Just shortly after I've been diagnosed with amnesia I've received two screenshot messages of you and another party. The things that you talk about and the things you are capable of saying makes me sick. I don't care how much I loved you but at this very moment, you make me sick. 

One of the saddest thing for my mum and friends that I've met in church would probably be how I don't remember the connection between me and God. The Nicole now don't feel that it is important going to church and it isn't a priority to me. This could be because I have regressed back to two years ago where I stopped attending church. I don't know if I would ever get the same feeling going to church again like how I once felt back then. Friends that I've made in church are trying hard to help me remember the times I've shared with them and the things I've done with them.. But the more they do that, the more they treat me as the Nicole I once was, it gets me stressed. I feel bad for not remembering them; for not remembering people I once value so much as a friend.. I guess this is something that I can't seem to face and bear at the moment and decided to explore and try some other churches. I don't know if I could find that passion and love I once had for church and for God but I hope I would be able to find the Nicole everyone once knew. Maybe like what Michelle said, I should have a new start. I should make more friends and get to know more people and also reconnect with the people I've forgotten.. To take things one step at a time and not pressurize myself... Whatever my reason was to stay in my previous church, it could be because of my ex boyfriend or the people in the church.. But it isn't important anymore because I don't remember them and that I should have a new start and a new life... 

Amnesia has taken a part of me away.. All the life experiences that I've learned over the years is just gone in a blink of an eye..

Although it really hurts me and the people I've forgotten, I will just have to live my life now..

If my memories are meant to come back, it would eventually... 

I've tried too hard to remember events that has occurred which caused me much headache and I just don't want to inflict more pain on myself..

I'll just be a brand new Nicole to everyone including myself...

Be the best that I can... 

As for you, my ex boyfriend... 

I don't know you anymore and I really don't want to know you anymore.

Frankly speaking, if you stand right in front of me now, I probably won't even recognize you..

Well, reading on the things I've wrote about you... You seem to be a pretty decent guy or maybe I was blinded and bias with my very own judgement because I was in love with you..

I'm just curious to why I would fall for you so deeply and allowed you to hurt me so much.. But despite how you've hurt me, I still loved you.. I really don't get that. I guess to fully understand that, I would have to ask the me back then. I don't know if my memories would ever come back but I do hope it will come back.. Maybe there was a lot of unhappiness after the break up between us, but I'm sure I would have learnt a lot from this whole relationship that I once felt so much for. Also, I would really want to remember the friendships I've shared and made over the past year and to remember my very own relationship with God. 

The ending for this blog, for us: 

You lead your life, I'll lead mine..

You live your life, I'll live mine..

You go your way, I'll go mine..

We will walk on our very seperate paths...

Whether we'll ever meet again, I don't know... 

Even if we do, it'll be better not to talk..

Whatever we may be, I won't know..

If we're meant to be in each other lives as friends or anything else, it'll be God who would decide and lead us..

Till then.....

Goodbye ex boyfriend.....

Day 89

In the last three months, many people have been telling me how mean, selfish and confused you are.. But everytime someone says something like this, I will brush it away with an excuse for every action of yours... I will always find a reason and excuse behind every action you do and I somehow did not realise it....

I stumbled across a video you sent me when we were still together, a video of morning devotion at your clinic.. I watched the video; watched you strumming the guitar; watched you singing... It reminded me of everything I loved about you when we were together... Half way through the video, tears started streaming down my face.. I looked at you in the picture and said "you did hurt me"... 

I cried even more.....

At that very moment I realized that all these while I did find excuses and reasons behind all of your actions... Some people would even ask me "Nicole, why are you trying to reason his actions that has hurt you, why are you trying to protect him ? Why are you telling yourself that this is just an unfortunate event and not him hurting you"... 

The fact is.... I'm not like what they said... I didn't find excuses or reasons behind your actions to protect you from being blamed for hurting me.... 

The reason I did what I did was because of me... I was protecting myself... I was being selfish.... 

I didn't want to accept the fact that the guy whom I loved so much ended a relationship that I truly cherished and valued.... 

I rather lie and make myself believe that there was a 1001 reasons that forced you into a decision of leaving me.. And that if you could, you would never have left me.:: 

It's how I make myself believe that you had to leave and not you wanting to leave.......

I didn't want myself to believe that you did actually hurt me by leaving me.:::: 

I never want to accept the fact that you did hurt me because I never once thought you would ever hurt me... 

Now that I have come to terms with my own emotions, I'm feeling messed up....

Maybe why i could face you all these while was because I never believed or accepted the fact that my heart was hurt by you.. That whatever that has happened to our relationship was not an unfortunate event or you being forced to end it... But rather it's you wanting to leave me because you're happier without me.........

I guess... I can't talk or face you anymore....

Simply because..... Facing a guy whom I once loved so much but has hurt me so deeply is tough... 

I... Can't face you anymore...

But.... I know even if I don't see you anymore ... It doesn't affect you in any way....

Day 87

I've been sick for the past three weeks but it's just getting worse now..
I feel so weak, miserable and emotional.....
I told myself to be strong and happy because I deserved to..
I told myself you were not worth my time and love because you were simply never into me ..if you were, you wouldn't have let me go...
It's like if I were to question myself and ask if I would ever want to leave you back then... I don't even have to think to answer that question because I knew how I truly loved you and living my life without you will be the last thing I ever wanna do... No matter how hard the situation may be, I will still hold on to you because I love you enough to not let you slipped away...
You on the other hand just  chose to leave me for whatever reason it is.. But one thing sure is, you were never into me if you were you wouldn't have let me go...
I'm crying as im typing this simply because I'm feeling very emotional now.... You would care about other people who is sick but you wouldn't care if I'm sick anymore... You said we were still friends but the fact is we are strangers now....

I'm feeling so sick that I've been sleeping very early for the past two days...
I woke up this morning dreaming about you..
I dreamt of you texting me asking if I was feeling better...
The dream was a dream I never want to wake up from because you cared about me in the dream.... You were concerned and you cared even if it was just a friendly thing to do rather than how you are towards me now, cold and treating me like I am a stranger...
At this very moment, I just want want to be in your arms and only yours...
I remembered last year when I was sick, you came to find me to make sure I was fine...
I recalled how you told me back then that you would be my charging station when I'm feeling tired, weak or sad... You'll give me the power to go through everything and anything...
The funny thing is you are still the one and only one who could give me such feeling....

Someone told me how you were being really mean and harsh to me after us breaking up...
How you didn't care bout how I feel or rather you proritizing your own feelings...
How you said we were still friends but acting like strangers around me and being very cold to me....
You told me you're finding your own space, I understand that...
You said you were not only avoiding me but also avoiding the group.. But somehow I think it's more of you avoiding me because of how you act in front of me... How you were disappointed and uncomfortable that I went for the board games session at center point.. It kinda hurts because it feels like I'm such a terrible person to be around that you felt so uncomfortable...
Maybe I'm such a terrible person to be around that seeing my pictures on Instagram and Facebook became a problem to you too...
What am I to you?? Friends? Church members? Or just strangers......

Despite whatever that was done or said...
I just miss you....
I just want to be hugged by you....
I just want to be loved by you....
But...  It's never gonna be possible....
You know, I really hate myself....
One moment I feel like telling you how I still feel for you but the next moment I don't want you to know....
One moment I feel like hugging you but I know I can't anymore....

Panda, I find one of the purest form of love is praying for someone without them knowing...
I've been praying for you and always have been...
I told God that I still feel for you but I know that loving someone is not about myself is about the other person, in this case it's you...
I prayed that if you are dating now, I hope that you would find your own happiness and be happy with that girl...
I would be lying if I said I won't be sad, of course I would but maybe just for a short while....
It's easier said than done when I say that I would be happy for you if being happy for you means being with someone else...
It's hard to do but im learning... Ultimately when you love someone, you just want them to be happy....
I want you to be happy...
People said... Being in love is learning how to love that one person the right way and I'm still in the midst of learning.....
I'm learning how to love you from afar because this is all I can do for now......

I really miss you, panda🐼...
If there's one thing I could wish for that would come true now, it would be me being in your arms......

Day 71

You have decided to unfollow me on Instagram today and I wonder why....
You unfollowed me and that girl from Flingstones...
I guess I wasn't so shocked over you unfollowing me on Instagram but I was really shocked with you unfollowing her.. Afterall, you thought she was really cute and you wanted to date her out...
I'm left being puzzled...

I thought I would be devastated or at least I would start crying knowing the fact that you have stopped following me on Instagram but somehow I didn't cry....
But I really wonder why did you have to unfollow me....
Did my post bother you? Or did you feel uncomfortable by looking at my pictures?
Your actions by unfollowing me on social media seemed like something I would do after a break up, feels like you're trying to move on from the broken relationship... But I thought you've moved on a long time ago...?
I have many thoughts on my mind to why you had to unfollow me but I really wouldn't know the actual reason because I'm not you....

The reasons that I can think of is:
1. You realised you haven't moved on from the relationship and that you need to move on now knowing that I've already moved on.
2. Whatever I post on Instagram bothers and affect you to some extent... But I don't understand why..
3. You realised the only way for us to completely get going in our own lives is to have a clear cut...

There are more reasons... But... Oh well.....

Day 69

Today has been a rather emotional day for me....
I heard you asked if I went out with my boyfriend yesterday as well as you met a pretty lawyer.. I guess I should congratulate you?
My feelings was very mixed today...
I wonder why would you make such a statement of me going out with my so called boyfriend... It feels like you are curious to know if I have a boyfriend now.. But the question is why would you want to know or care??
Yinli has been trying to arrange badminton sessions for this coming week but I heard that you've got plans on and that you can't make it.. But honestly, it's obvious that you're avoiding me... Just a week ago you told us to ask you to join for any hiking session as you're interested and a week later when we asked, you gave excuses to not go...
I'm pretty sure I'm not wrong that you're avoiding me... But I don't know the reason behind this...
You might have just decided to avoid me completely in order for us to really have a clean cut and that nothing is left in between us..

There are 3 things we've said we would do together but we will never have the opportunity to do it...
1. Kungfu Panda 3
2. Cameron Highland
3. Genting New Theme Park

There are a lot of guys who asked me out to watch Kungfu Panda 3 with them.. Of all the  movies, they wanted me to watch this with them.... But this is something we were supposed to do together so I refused to watch this movie with any of them... I didn't want to do something we were supposed to do with another guy, it's just wrong... So..
I went to watch Kungfu Panda 3 today with Sammy and her boyfriend...
The movie was really entertaining and funny but... As entertaining as it may be, I cried as I was watching it.....
I was laughing.. Then crying... And then laughing again.... And crying again.....
All that was on my mind was if you were here, it would've been perfect....
Some of the part in the movies which was really funny, I could picture in my mind the way you would laugh... The really happy kind of laugh from you..... It felt as though I could hear you laughing at the back of my mind.....

I know you think that Ive probably moved on with someone else or at least I've already moved on from our broken relarionship and from you...
But hey... Just look where I am now... Im stucked ......
I think about you every single day.. I think about our memories and times we shared every day...
Just how am I gonna move on as easy as you think it might be for me?
If only if moving on was something so easy, I would've been much happier now...

Few days ago I just realised that I have been suppressing my inner feelings about you and us...
In front of the whole world and especially in front of you, I appear to be very happy and cheerful.. But deep inside me, I am feeling empty..
I am...depressed but.. I'm managing it.....
Everytime when I'm around you or around our mutual friends, I'll appear to be super happy...
I'm not doing this to make you feel better but it's for me to feel better about myself...
It's easier to fake a smile then to answer questions from people to why I'm unhappy....
The moment I leave Homes or my friends, my facial expression would immediate change...
The emptiness in my heart will slowly creep in......

I wish you all the best in your dates or any new relarionship you're gonna be in....
But as for me, it's gonna take awhile more to grip hold of  myself and to be ready for another relationship...
I am afraid of loving again..... I am truly scared....
If loving someone is so painful,  I would rather not love anymore in the future....
But whatever it is, I'm gonna leave it to God ....
Hoping that God would guide us to wherever or whoever we should be for His glory and for the best of us.....

Just how long more before I can stop missing you....?

Day 64

It's been two months plus since we've broken up.. How are you doing? I guess you're pretty much fine from what I can see...
It's funny how you think I've moved on so well but the fact is im still stucked here.. I'm not stagnant but I'm still in the midst of moving on, getting over you...
At times I wonder If I would ever get over you.. We weren't in a relationship for a very long period but you gave me a lot to remember.. There are things that I never want to forget about you because it still means a lot to me as of now....

You're the light, you're the night...
You're the color of my blood...
You're the cure, you're the pain..
You're the only thing I wanna touch...
Never knew that you could mean so much......

Everytime when I bump into you or when I see you, you tend to ask me a lot of weird questions..
You like asking me if I'm dating or if there are guys after me now..
I always wonder how or why it would still matter to you because it seemed like you don't care about how I feel anymore...
Everytime when you talk to me and gently pat my arms and shoulders, it feels weird...
It's like a touch that seemed so familiar yet unfamiliar...
It's like a touch I still long for but I know I shoudlnt have it anymore....
At times I still feel your touch in my dreams and I hope it'll last....

Many people are telling me how I should stop loving you or being obsessed about you...
They told me I should be crazy over a guy who would be crazy over me too....
I just can't seem to bring myself to do it...
There's just a very strong feeling of you still lingering in me..
I don't know why but it just feels like I should just stay here and wait for you...
I know how everyone would say I'm being stupid for still having feelings for you but it's just something I myself cannot explain to myself..
I don't know why I would feel for you so deeply or why I still won't give up on you....
I know I should stop being obsessed over you and start noticing the people around me, something that you would do too....

I don't know if I'm being blessed by the people around me but..this month alone there are a few guys who have told me how much they liked me and how deep they felt for me...
Given the old Nicole a few years ago, I would have started dating or being in a relationship with those guys because it would be the easiest way of moving on; focusing on other people...
But the Nicole now.. Just don't want to do things the way she did before..
If I'm going to move on from you, getting over you.. It will have to be me going through the process of grieving and finally deciding to let go of you..
I don't wanna rebound neither do I want to hurt the guys around me.....
There are some nice guys who would tell me how they would wait for me until I have finally moved on from you before pursuing me... And how they would stand by my side, listening to me talking about you....
I'm truly blessed but I feel bad.... Because I know how much it hurts listening to someone you like/love talking about someone else....

I'm not afraid that I can't find someone whom will love me and treat me right...
But... I'm afraid that I can't find someone whom I will love with all my heart like how I loved you....

I really feel the urge of wanting to hug you but I know I cant....
I will never be able to wrap myself around your arms...
I will never be able to lean on your shoulders to cry..
I will never be able to hold onto your arms...
I will never be able to smile and talk to you like how I usually would..
I will never be able to sleep in your arms...
I will never be able to talk to you over the phone...
I will never be able to watch tv series together....
I will never be able to share with you my new hobby......

There are so many more things that I would wanna do with you, to share with you...
But I can never share with you because we will never be the same as before...
Someone told me even if we were ever gonna be together, we will still have to start from scratch because the foundation is broken....
It's not about fixing the relationship that has been broken but instead it's about creating something better....
But... I doubt we would have anything more than friends given the seperate ways we are going......

Day 56

I have stopped blocking for the past 22 days because I thought I have recovered ... 

The fact is I have not and I don't know if I would ever recover....

When I was already recovering from the break up and from you blocking me on whatsapp... You decided to unblock me on Chinese New Year.. You whaysapp and Facebook messaged me.. I didn't respond because I wanted to keep a distance with you.... 

You know, that day when Michelle left to Australia, I was really sad... Guys who are hitting on me wanted to be there by my side to make sure I'm fine... But.. I didn't want any of them to ne there for me because all I ever wanted was you... It would be much easier for me to go through the sadness with those guys around... They would provide me the emotional support that I need to cope with the things that has happened but... All I wanted was you..... That night when Michelle left to Australia, I drove outside your house and parked at the same spot... I cried so badly in the car wanting to feel your arms around me again... I wanted you to be there and to provide me the emotional support that I need... Being outside your house somehow made me feel calm, I feel you near me..... 

Just when I think I was coping well with our break up and that I could treat you like a friend... You initiated brunch and a board game session with me and Yinli .. I guess it's because you thought that I was going to leave to UK for my studies, so you wanted things to be more normal for us.. We went for lunch at Flingstones and you actually asked me on ways to date a girl out because you thought that girl who was working there was cute.... Don't you think its stupid to ask your ex girlfriend on ways to date another girl out? How insensitive can you be?! I was mad and angry because I still love you... It hurt me a lot..... I refused to answer you so you asked Yinli instead.. She told you on ways to find that girl through Instragram... You told me you were just joking about that girl but you eventually did take the effort to find her Instagram and follow her.. It certainly didn't seem like a joke to me... 

That day you even interrogated me on my relationship with Samuel...

Why would you want to know? Is it important? 

You keep telling me how happy you are for Samuel and I if we were together.. But do you know the way you said it sounded very bitter? 

You even asked me if it was too fast for me to start dating again...

You wanted to give me a goodbye hug on that day but I told you not to touch me...

The fact is... I truly wanted to be in your arms again but I cant... It would just tear me down even more...

You said I am moving on well, but do you know how I am actually coping with this whole thing? 

I break down very often, I think about you very often... And... You are all that's on my mind...

I will never wake up a day without thinking about you and I would never go to sleep a night without thinking of you.... 

I joined church choir because Yinli wanted to join and I was shocked when I was told that you were also joining...

That day when we had the choir practice, you wore the shirt I bought for you...

Why did you wear it in front of me?? 

It brought back a lot of memories.. I remembered how we exchanged our gifts and the look on your face, it was everything I would want to remember..... 

After the practice you tried talking to me and you even tried to look at my phone; wanted to know who I was smsing... Why is it important?? 

Today we had our church anniversary and I thought I would be fine...

You looked great today but I just couldn't bring myself to compliment your appearance... But you came to me and said I look great....

While we were having our breakfast, we chatted for awhile about the board games you played yesterday.. And you asked me if hiking is my new hobby.... 

I just feel like you're still interested to know what's going on in my life and that you still care.... 

I don't know why I'm feeling so depressed now...

I don't know what I can do to recover and to heal from you ....

I just feel so overwhelmed now.... 

It feels really weird that we didn't have lunch together because back then we would.... It's an entirely different feeling....

I guess God wants me to be honest with my feeling that I was stirred by the word of Pastor Kenneth.. He said through Christ, all broken relationships and marriages can be reconciled... Then I asked myself if we could ever reconcile... I even cried at church today because I was just feeling so overwhelmed... 

That is when I realised I was not being honest with myself about my feelings towards you....

Today I was finally honest with my own feelings about you and us... 

I'm not over you and it would take a very long time for me to get over you...

I've had many relationships in the past but you are my first love... You are the first guy whom I truly loved.... 

I know to you right now, you think I've moved on from you and that I am probably dating Samuel.. But.... I'm not dating him... He's just trying to be there for me... 

It's been two months since our break up and I still can't seem to move on from you.... 

There's only one thing that I know right now... Despite of how you've hurt me, you are still perfect in my eyes and I still love you with all my heart for who you are....

I think I need to be completely away from you...

Time to work on myself and to completely heal....

I hope I can control myself from wanting to see or text you....

I would skip church, homes and board games for the time being...

Whatever we may be in future, whether it's friends or lovers again...

We will need a clean break to start the foundation of friendship again.....

I need this........

I... Miss you..........

Day 34

I looked back at our photos today and surprisingly I didn't cry...
I think I'm starting to learn how to move on..
Moving on doesn't mean forgetting but it's just me choosing happiness over sadness for now....

I didn't do much today except going out for dinner with a guy..
Well, to me it was more of a friendly dinner outing and it's not a date to me...
Somehow, it still felt a little awkward...
I think I'm just not ready to be around any guys now because all I would be thinking is you...

I went for board games with Gareth's group today..
It was quite fun!! I played Spartacus...
They were all friendly and nice.....
I think I did okay for the game.... It would be so nice if I could share my gaming experience with you..
I used to play board games for you because I know how much you love and enjoy playing board game.. But know I olay it for myself because me myself is starting to love board games too...
It's not just the interaction and communication among friends but we could also relate board games to our real life.... I wished I could tell you how much I enjoy playing board games now....

Recently there were many prayer request on our homes group chat... The latest prayer request was for me...
If I were to compare your reply for the other homies prayer request, you empathize and you wrote a longer message... But when the request is for me is was short and simple or simply a thumbs up..
It got me thinking if you really hated me this much that replying a few additional words would be so difficult...
Maybe you just don't want to have anything to do with me anymore.....

I prayed to God today and I told God that I would submit or relationship to Him...
I prayed that whatever we may be in future would be for His glory and would be what He wants us to be....
I immediately felt a sense of relieved in me, like a burden lifted from my shoulder...
I'll move on for now and hope the best for us in future whether it's friends or something more......

Day 33

Today is the 4th day of me vomiting, it feels terrible.

I went to clinic wanting to see Dr Leong but she had patients waiting and I felt like vomiting, so I had to see you...

I think you were feeling awkward to see me and I guess I was also feeling the same.... I didn't even dare to look at you in the eye...

You told me that you will be giving me an injection and I gave you the horrified look.. You said I needed it and that it would be better than taking tablets..
Before you injected me, I was already scared... The moment you injected me and I gave that painful sound, I could see from the corner of my eyes that you looked at me...
Before I left your clinic, you told me to take care of myself..
It got me wondering if you do care about me still...
If I were to be admitted into hospital, would you come to visit me like I did for you back then?

I went to check what was wrong with me and doctor told me I have an ulcer in my stomach...
Maybe the gastritis I had long time ago developed into an ulcer...
If I don't take care of the ulcer and if it bleeds, it could be cancerous...
I'm actually scared and wondering where are you when I needed you most.....
And I realised things wouldn't be the same anymore, you're gone and never coming back to me....

What hurts the most was being being so close and having so much to say, watching you walk away..
Never knowing what could have been for us...
If only we could have fight harder for us, our relationship....
You seemed to have moved on miles away from our broken relationship with all your happy post in Facebook while I'm still stuck here...
All I hope is for us to be friends again, to be able to eat together and to play board games together...
Losing you as a friends was the most painful thing that could've ever happened....

I still think of you every now and then...
There's alot of happy memories ..
Sometimes too much that I can't deal with the pain.....
I just miss you a lot....

Day 31

It has been exactly one month since we broke up, I wonder how things are for you..
Things aren't too good for me in this past one month because too many things happened to me...
We broke up, I got abused and I lost you as a friend..
If only we could be friends again and I'll be really happy....

I've got gastritis and I've been vomiting for the past two days..
Somehow today I decided to read through our sms from the day I messaged you when I started working at HSBC...
After reading all the messages, I realized we texted most when we were good friends and our messages reduce as we went further into the relationship..
I would assume this happened because the longer we are in the relationship, the more commitment is required and it gives you stress....
As a bf you will feel obligated to care and support me but this indirectly gave you stress as well because you just don't know how to handle this relationship because of both our issues...
I have baggages from the past while you have issues that are affecting you in the present so it's hard to work things out...
The closer we got, the further you are from me...
The deeper and longer we got into our relationship, you were pulling yourself away from me..
I never realised this until I read back all our messages...
When we were friends, you will text me a lot...
There'll be lame jokes as well as caring about me...
While we were together, messages were reduced...
Thinking about it I'm quite stupid, if only I was a little more sensitive, I would've realised and talk to you about it... And I would probably be able to understand you more and the issue that is underlying in you....

After I saw a doctor today for some reason I drove to the train station and parked there..
I walked through the normal path we used to walked down together, reminiscing our times together...
I saw your car and walked to your car having a mixed feeling...
It used to be a very familiar car and all of a sudden it felt unfamiliar....
I looked at the passenger seat where I always seat and thought back about the times I sat there chatting with you...
I then walked towards the driver seat and touched the door handle, it felt like I was touching your hand...
It's ironic and stupid to say it felt like I was touching your hand.. But it did feel that way...
That's a handle you'll always touched...
I went back to my car and sat in the car crying...
I couldn't stopped thinking how in love we once were and we ended up like strangers now...
There's still a glimpse of hope in me for us to be together in future but I won't expect it to happen..
Maybe I still hope because our relationship didn't end on bad terms rather it had to end because of the issues we had to caused us to not being able to work on the feelings and our relationship....
I really hope we could start things off as friends again because I never want to lose you....

It's been one month apart, how are you feelings about this?
Do you still think of me, of us?
Do you still hope we could work things out in future?
Do you still have feelings for me?
Do you wonder how im doing?
People once told me that after being apart from one another.. You'll either realised that you really miss and love the person or you would realised that the person didn't matter at all because you don't feel a thing losing him/her.. Now that we're apart, what have you realised? Do you miss me or it's the other way where you realised I'm not that important after all?

I really wanted to wait for you to finish work and hug you...
I really feel like hugging you so badly but I know I can't and I shouldn't so I left....
I really miss you...
The withdrawal effect is really bad.....
It's been a month since I last felt you, last held your hand, last hugged you as a gf and last kissed you...
I just miss everything about you...
The good or the bad side of you, I accept it and I love you for who you are...
I love you just the way you are.......

Day 30

I can't believe I vomited 3 times in an hour today, it was really bad..
If we were still together, you would've texted me to asked how I was feeling...
It's been almost a month since we broke up and two weeks since you blocked me..
How are you getting on in your life?
My life has been dull without your lame jokes and activities with you...

People told me to move on that you are not worth my time and that you are a terrible guy..
The said the right thing for me to do is cutting you out completely and doing the things I should do to make myself happy... They said I shouldn't be sad over you and whatever im feeling now should be stopped....
Well, love is irrational...
A lot of the times we know what we should do or what should be done but we never make those choices simply because we are emotional with whatever that is happening..
We are only human, there's a limit to everything that we can handle and bear...
I know the right thing for me to do now is not talk to you, stop loving you and stop caring about whatever is happening or going to happen to you.... This are the rational things that I should be doing now..
But I can't help to feel sad because we are no longer together..
Everything that we've gone through, the memories we shared and the effort we put to nurture the relationship is all gone..
If we could go through all the issues together and not give up, we would have a very strong relationship..
I know what I should and shouldnt do but when you're in love, everything becomes irrational...
Some people would say when you're in a relationship, don't pour your heart out because if the relationship don't work out then you wouldn't be so hurt..
If you really love someone you won't bother about this because all you want is to pour your heart out loving the person the right way and wanting the person to be happy...
Sone people would do anything just to make the other party happy even if it means to hurt your ownselves.. They are not stupid, the are just irrationally, irrationally in love.

I'm deeply in love with you, no doubt to that..
I know how I should stop thinking of you and everything because it's for my own good, for me to move on easier..
I know I should stop caring about you because you don't need my care anymore..
I know I should stop missing you because missing you makes things harder for me..
I know I should stop loving you because loving you right now hurts me..
To let go and not love someone whom you truly love is nearly impossible..
It takes a period of time to adjust and to slowly let the feelings fade....
I know all the right things that I should be doing now but I'm just so emotional over everything that has happened that I can't bring myself doing all the rational things..
All the feelings in feeling and all the things I'm doing is irrational ..
Love is irrational...
Love is a mixture of different emotions going up and down like a roller coaster..
It's fun, exciting, happy but it can also be scary...

You know, I do wonder if I would ever receive a text message from you ever again...
I really miss you a lot....
I don't need  much from you, all I needed was to be in your arms...
The greatest gift you've even given me was the 134 days of your life... The time we spent, the memories we build and the love me once had for each other..
Nothing is going to take that away...
After all the ups and downs and how you hurt me.. Didn't thought I would say this again but...
Panda, I Lava You....

Doraemon misses Panda a lot... She wants to hug him so tightly and giving him a kiss on his cheeks...
Doraemon lava Panda...
Huggles....

Day 29

I played 7 Wonders many times today at Port Dickson and I honestly never got bored or  tired of it...
It was really fun as I kept building my science building and no one stopped me! I got 38 points just from science.. I was very excited! If we were still together I would've send you the photo of my wonder, you'll be so proud of me!!
Any board games that I play reminds me of you, like literally anything....

Everything about us felt so different now.. We can't even talk or say hi in a proper manner, it's really hard to get used to it..
We used to be able to talk a lot even as friends....
But now.. We can't talk or do anything.......
I really miss you......

Sam and the guy got together already, I'm very happy for her but I'm emo-ing...
If we were still together, we could've gone out together, just the 4 of us...
We coudive gone on couple trips just us...
We could've acheieved many many things... But unfortunately everything had to come to an end....

I started thinking how other couples have much more serious issues but is willing to work it out and fight for the relationship.... But for us.. We just had to stop because you didn't want it anymore...
Why is it so hard to fight for me? For us?
Back then we still had feelings for each other, we could've work on our feelings and on the relarionship... But you didn't want because you were emotionally drained and tired... You didn't have the commitment to work issues out between us... Every issue that came in between us became a reason for you to leave me because all you thought was how different you and I are both wired...
In general, girls and guys and wired differently in their thinking and perception.. It's how we compromise and overcome the differences... It requires effort and commitment....
If only we could've done more for our relationship, we might still be together now....

I'm leaving soon.. How would things be for us??
Will there be a U-turn for us in future??
If we were meant to be together and if I chose to leave, would it be like what WF said that nothing would happen within the period that I'm away? Or I would've killed all hopes?
Are we ever meant to be together??
Sigh , only God knows the answer.....

I just have a feeling that I'll always love you in a special way even after moving on..
I don't know how to explain it...
I believe that if we are meant to be together,  God will preserve our feelings in us...
And if we're not... Maybe someone better is waiting for us out there...
I'm learning to obey and honour God in everything that I do...
When I place God first, everything else including us will fall into place..
Whether we will be strangers, friends, best friends or lovers  will be in God's favor and for the glory of Him......

I'm learning how to take one step at a time and to slowly recover from the pain in me..
Every little step that I take will be a progress as long as I'm moving forward, right?

Day 28

There are people telling me that you've not been attending the 8am service and I've not been seeing you at the 4pm service, I guess you probably changed church or visited your friends church.
Sigh... I won't be seeing you anymore until maybe years later...
I'll always miss you..

During the prayer time at church today Wenni cried while she was praying for me and I cried too..
I don't know how to describe the feeling, it was just a very sad feeling..
I left church early to Port Dickson today and during the journey I was thinking of you..
I remembered how you told me you wanted to go on a road trip with me and just the both of us after our two weeks timeout.. Sadly, it never happened and it will not happen..
Everything I did reminded me of you...
I took a walk on the beach and thought how romantic and sweet it'll be if we could stroll down the beach hands in hands together...
The pain of losing you and losing us is still very real.....
I really don't know how am I gonna stop loving you...

Everytime when I think of you and us, my heart aches..
I really love you and nothing will change that....
Even if I've moved on with someone else in future, you will always have a special place in my heart....
There are a lot of happy times in our relationship... There's a lot to remember and a lot to cherish..

You know, I wished we were still together even though I know it's not possible...
I wished you were still my little panda..........

Day 27

The big day has finally arrived, my farewell...
Wow... It was a really scary day for me.....
As I was driving to Taipan today, I was feeling very anxious.. There was mixed emotions in me, I was feeling happy, sad and anxious...
I didn't know how I would react seeing you because I just don't know how or what I'm feeling anymore.. It's just so weird to me that you're blocking me on whatsapp but you're coming for my farewell.. It doesn't make sense.
When I saw you walking in, I went to the toilet and looked myself in the mirror..
I told myself "Nicole, you can do this.. You won't question him anything and you will just enjoy the brunch"..
Then when I walked back out to seat, you said hi to me...
As we were eating and talking, you were trying to talk to me..
I didn't understand why you would talk to me..
We talked a little bit here and there and that's about it....
Things were very different for ne because I couldn't talk to you like how I used to anymore, not even as friends..

We parked our car at the same carpark and when we were at the carpark, I couldn't find my car and told you and WF to leave first.. You said it's okay and that you will help me to find my car... It felt weird because it's not your obligation to make sure I find my car.. I don't mean that you are caring about me in a special way but any friends would probably help me to find my car.. It's just that to me, we are no longer friends...
When I found my car I looked at the both of you and said " See you when I see you"..
You told me you were going to Meeples, I was like... Felling a bit weird..
You knew that I was going to Meeples to play my tournament but you still chose to go Meeples to get your gnes while I'm there...
I mean you blocking me on whatsapp basically means you want no communication, so why are you buying the game knowing I'm there.. It just feels strange..
After registering myself at Meeples, I went down wanting to buy water and I saw WF in the car...
I talked to WF a bit and he just said he thinks I collected myself very well.. I told him how I hated myself back then for simply lashing out at people and that's when I told myself this isn't my normal self and that I will collect the pieces of me back...

I'm just happy that I didn't go crazy bombarding you with questions..
I felt like I handled the situation well and I guess that's what matters....

Sigh I almost won 7 wonders tournament!!!! I did badly in the last round...
If I did okay in the last round I would be top 3 instead of top 4...
Oh well, I just have to accept it.......
I texted the Farewell group saying I got 4th place and that I didnt win.. I didn't exoect you to reply saying I did well since I got 4th place out of 13 people...
I didn't know what to reply so I ignored the message....

Today a guy hugged me and I literally stoned..
I don't think I'm ready for any of this at the moment...
I'm not close with that guy so when he hugged me and it felt weird...
I'm having this withdrawal effect from you so being hugged by a guy would ease my withdrawal effect.. It did ease my pain but it felt weird... He just hugged me and I just stoned without hugging him in return...
I've been distancing myself with guys around me because I just didn't want to be like how I used to be.. I didn't want to use other guys that was hitting on me to get over the broken relationship.. Sure it would help ease my pain but that isn't the right way... It really isn't...
I think I'm old and mature enough to handle the pain that's in me without relying and using other guys to help me ease the pain..
I'm not going to date until I've gotten over you and that I've recovered......
I don't mind meeting new guy friends and be friends but nothing more than that for now and I'll just see where things lead me to after I can finally date again....

Day 26

I guess you didn't go to work today as I didn't see your car at the train station and you posted a sick status on Facebook.

If we were still together, I would've gone over to visit you after work..

If we were still together I'll be texting you to ask if you were okay.. 

If we were still together, I would be showering you with lots of care and love....
I hope you are feeling better and not being super sick..
You seldom get sick but once you're sick, you're really sick..
I'm just worried about you...

I am going through a period of withdrawal effects.. 

The withdrawal of not being able to hug you and to be hugged in return...

You are a very huggy person, you hugged me a lot back then..

Whether it's on our date, special occasions on even after lunch at work, you would hug me...

Now that I'm not being able to hug and be hugged, it just feel weird...

I feel like I have the need hug and be hugged, it's a very strong feeling..

But that's something you can't offer me anymore..

I can find some other guys to give me a platonic hug but it just wouldn't be right because I'd feel terrible for using them to give me something to make me feel better, something that would ease my pain of withdrawal effects..

All I can do to help myself with the withdrawal effects is to hug my girl friends but it definitely wouldn't be the same as me being hugged by you... 

Whenever you hug me, there's a certain way of you holding me in your arms and how you would brush my hair to one side..

It will never be the same hugging or being hug by other people because you're just so very special... 

It's really hard to get through this period because it just makes ne long for your touch and hug...

All I want is to be able to hold your hands, to hug you from behind and to kiss you... But I can't anymore.....

It's really tough....
I do wonder if you would feel the same withdrawal effects that I'm feeling...
Or... You probably didn't have such withdrawal effects...sigh.............

Day 25

I was feeling much better today, I didn't feel so much anger and hatred in me. All those negative feelings was slowly subsiding and I could tell that I was recovering....
All that was on my mind today was how have you been and how are you doing.
I still care for you a lot and I really do hope that you are doing fine...
I really miss you....

I still do wonder if you miss me... Or if you still had feelings for me...
Many people told me that even if you still love me, you wouldn't know because you're confused and that you wouldn't want to know because you just want to escape..
I really... Don't know...
It's rather an emotional day today cause all that I had on my mind was you and only you....

I just.... Miss you a lot....

Day 24

I didn't sleep too well last night too..
I'm on leave today but I couldn't sleep pass 8am..

I went to see the counselor today at 4pm and I was really anxious and nervous. It reminded me of the time I had depression and had to see a psychiatrist. It wasn't a very pleasant feeling but I guess I really needed help to make sure I do not fall into the pit again.
She was a very nice lady and she told me somehow she sense a strength in me that would pull me through this. I guess I got the strength from my mum; her strength has rubbed into me and that made me who I am today.
The counselor asked me a question which I didn't know how to answer. She asked me where did I get the courage to talk to you normally when I met you in the hospital the other day. I paused and thought for a bit and I really didn't know where I got the courage from.
Thinking back about how you hurt me but I could still pull myself to talk to you normally, I then realized I am strong.
You are a guy whom I truly loved.. Recalling the issues and incidents that took place in between us was heart breaking..

1) You wanted a two weeks timeout and told me you were leaning towards being friends when I was having depression.
2) We got back together and you told me you are more sure than ever that you do indeed love and sayang me.
3) You were admitted into the hospital and I spent my holidays with you, taking care of you. It didn't feel tiring at all, in fact it felt great because I was part of your tough journey.
4) You broke up with me stating that you didn't really love me and I later found out you had deeper issues in you such as your commitment issue.
5) We managed to become friends after the break up and things were getting better as I became emotionally stable.
6) My crazy ex did all those crazy stuff that made me felt terrible about myself ..
7) You couldn't stand what was going on and for your own safety, you decided to leave me there and then.
8) You completely cut me off your life and left me feeling devastated and lost again. Before I could grip hold of myself after what my ex did, you rejected me as a friend and I fell into a deeper hole which I don't see any way to get out of it.

The counselor told me that she can see how much I love you and how all these incidents can affect me so badly.. She commented that despite of how you hurt me and disappoint me, I could still talk to you like normal and that requires a lot of courage and strength. If it was other girls, they would have just ignore or just leave but I somehow managed to talk to you like normal. Thinking back I really didn't know how I did it. Given the circumstances now, I don't think I'll be able to do it when I see you on Saturday.
Now that I'm a little more calm and when I think of what has happened in this short span of time, how I was hurt; how I was emotional; how I was rejected; how my love was not reciprocated, I thought that I am amazing. I had this thiugh because in spite of how badly you've hurt me, I still loved you and I still do..
No matter how I wasn't treated the way I was deserved to be treated or how tough you made it for me to love you, I never left you and I still chose to stand by your side..
There are people asking me, if you didn't love me then why didn't you tell me that when I was taking care of you in the hospital. At least if you told me then, I wouldn't need to waste my time taking care of you and that I could enjoy my holidays doing something else. Well, I told them I don't know and maybe you just cant measure things this way. When I look back now, I still don't think I've wasted my time taking care of you. In fact, I'm happy that I was part of your life during your difficult moments and that I thank God for allowing me to be there for you, to show how much I loved and cared for you. I was grateful that I was able to support you and to shower you with unconditional love during that moment.
Some people thinks I'm stupid for thinking this way because they feel that I should be loved the way I loved you.. Well, I have an entirely different thought from them. I think it's sweet to love and be loved in return but a lot of the times we just can't control what the other person would do for us or how the other person thinks. All I can do is to play my role and my part well so I have no regrets. Happiness does not necessarily come from being loved in return, it can come in many different ways. For instance, I think being able to love someone is a form of happiness. When you truly love someone, you won't measure who love who more or who sacrificed for who more. You'll just be too busy learning how to love that one person the right way and to make that person happy. All that would matter is the well-being and happiness of the other party. Sometimes even if it hurts or if it's tough to love the person, you'll still want to storm through the obstacles just for that very person because he/she is just so very special. When you are truly in love, you will not measure love in any ways and all you would want to do is to love the person unconditionally. It might sound dumb but being able to love someone unconditionally is also a form of happiness that you can give part of yourself to that very person.
You are just so special to me that whatever I've done for you didn't seem like a sacrifice to me.. How you always say about me loving you more or how much I did for you, it actually really isn't anything..
Being able to love someone is happy and being loved in return is a blessing.. I wasn't lucky enough to be blessed to be loved in return but whatever I've done for you made me happy.. Loving you made me happy, caring for you made me happy, supporting you made me happy and never giving up on you no matter how bad the circumstances may be made me happy....

I guess after today's counseling session, I realized I really do love you a whole lot.
It hurts to love someone and be hurt in return but I'm happy that I experienced this..
I'm not saying this as a sarcasm but because I never knew I could actually love someone so much. I've never loved anyone the way I loved you. I never knew I could do so much for a person and that I could go all out even if it means hurting myself..  I never knew loving someone requires so much of effort and hard work and all these while I've been learning how to love you the right way and it just feels great..

A lot of people said that I was amazing for loving someone so much without expecting anything in return... And someone people said you are selfish because all you cared about was yourself.. You cared about your feelings, you wanted to do things at your own pace and that you made major decisions for us based on what you think its the best for us.. It's all about what you fee or how you think things should be for us but you never discussed with me. All you did was informing me on all your major decisions such as the break up and cutting me off completely... You told me what you wanted but there were no discussion made..
Maybe there's just a lot of growing for the both of us.....

The counselor thought I was very mature and sensible for my age..
Good or bad, I don't know..
But I guess I am feeling better now.....

Day 23

I couldn't sleep the whole night last night, I guess I was subconsciously thinking of you.
I went to work today feeling lousy and very emotional..
I just feel a little off today and I decided to see Dr Leong and asked if I needed to see a psychologist. Well, she said she thinks I'm coping well with all that has happened and that im not going crazy because I can still rationalize. Good or bad, I don't know.
I think you wanted to find Dr Leong and peeked into the room, you probably saw me. As I was collecting my medicine, you came back from the washroom and rushed into the room. It got me thinking if you saw me and wanted to avoid me again.
For some reason I'm feeling a lot of anger and hatred in me recently..
The anger in me is building as day passes.
I didn't realize how lousy I was feeling that everything reflected on my face.
My student mum told me " Teacher Nicole, I've not seen you so stress before over the 4 years period that I've known you". It got me shocked wondering how terrible I really looked. At office today, many people asked me if I'm okay.. I tried to keep calm and answer politely that I'm fine but I guess it wasn't convincing enough that they asked me a couple more times. I exploded and erupted like a volcano at office. I've not been like this before, this just isn't me. At times I might be cold and icy but there are a lot of the times I would laugh hysterically.. I guess over all the incidents, I've started to lose the happy part of me, the crazy and bubbly part of me.
I felt really bad lashing out at people but I didn't understand why I was doing that..
Michelle told me it's because I've stopped crying that there are no ways to release the emotions in me that I start lashing out at people.
I just don't feel like myself anymore, I can't even grip hold of myself.
I decided to take leave tomorrow and be away from everyone so that I won't be lashing out at innocent people and that I have the time to visit a counsellor.
I think I need to see a counsellor for help because all that I'm feeling is anger, frustration, agitation and hatred in me. This negative feelings in me are really strong. Even when one of my ex cheated on me back then, I didn't feel  so much anger in me. Somehow, I don't know why this time I'm just feeling so much anger and hatred.
Besides all the anger and hatred in me, I also have panic attacks.
When I thought about you or about us, I get a panic attack. My hands start trembling, heart starts pounding and I just feel like I can't breathe. I never thought I would be so badly affected by you and your actions. It's not your fault, it's mine because my coping mechanism isn't good.

Whatever that I'm going thorough now or whatever I'm feeling now is definitely worse compared to the time when I was going through our break up. I guess there's just too much for me to cope with. After our break up, I managed to grip myself again and I was recovering.. Then my crazy ex hurt me and I went down again but before I could grip myself you cut me off from your life and I fell deeper again.. There's not enough time for me to recover and to cope from all this ordeal that has taken place.
I don't understand how can a normal guy friend of mine be there for me throughout my ups and downs, tried supporting me through our break up which I pushed him away after because I didn't want to rebound. No matter how much I pushed him away, or how I made it so hard for him to be there for me, he never left my side supporting me. I didn't allow him to stand by me to support me so he supported me from far through small actions. He was just a friend or maybe a guy whom likes me. But.. You were the guy who shared 4 and a half months of my life; who shared memories with me; who once said you loved me; who told me how much you cared about me.. But you just left there and then for whatever reasons. I can't brain this.

You told your friends you are drawing a line because of safety reasons. Well, I don't see how the reason is valid anymore because everything has been solved. Are you trying to psycho yourself to make yourself feel better? I guess no one would know but you and God. Carol told me she don't think you don't want to talk to me anymore or don't want to be friends anymore that what you're doing now is just temporary. She said you told them that you called me before blocking me off. Yes, you did call me to tell me that you will not be talking to me for a time being but you did not say that you were going to block me on whatsapp. It's 2 different things and it carries different message. You can stop talking to me by not replying my messages that night or just ignore me completely and I'll get the message. By you blocking me on whatsapp literally means you want me out of your life, that's the indirect message you're sending.
I guess women solve issues by addressing the issues, trying to fix or mend things back and then give up.. On the other hand, man tend to brush the issues aside and let it subside and forget about it.. I don't know anymore..
Carol told me when I go to Uk, I'll probably meet some hot guys and end up marrying them. I certainly hope so...

Whatever it is, I'm going to find myself back and grip onto myself again..
I'll be a better version of what I was and grow as a person...
I can't continue to let myself sink in despair..
I can't continue to lash out on innocent people...
I can't stand myself now..
I can't stand the Nicole now... The Nicole who is so filled with negative feelings that she's just so volatile and emotional now.. It's just not me...
Hopefully after seeing a counsellor tomorrow, things can take a turn..

Day 22

Three words that summarizes my day:

ANGER
DISAPPOINTMENT
HATRED

Day 21

Today I drove to church at 8am only to realise that Yinli overslept..
I thought great, let me drive around as I was feeling a little lousy in me...
I drove around for a while and drove home...
While I was in my car at home, I thought about us again.. For the past one week I felt heartache and pain in me but i couldn't cry. Somehow I manage to cry today, it's a good thing I guess.  I browsed through all our photos in my phone and videos of you. Tears started rolling down from my cheeks and I started crying. Then feeling of being stab in my heart is very real and I don't know how else to describe this pain in me. It's just too much for me to bear.
I'm sure that you've deleted all of our pictures together or pictures of me.
You've been deleting and cutting everything to do with me, what else can you not do?

Wenni told me today that Joash and her would be attending some Chinese Nee Year dinner arranged by Gareth. Immediately, I knew you were definitely going to do, just some instict in me. True enough, she told me that she heard you were going along. I told Wenni, if we were still together, I would probably be following you to the dinner and I'll see her there, sadly that's not the case.
I know it's very unhealthy for me but I asked Wenni how were you like. I wanted to know if you were doing fine and if you were happy. She told me you were chatting and joking around with the guys and you look like your normal self at least from the outside. It kept me wondering if you would ever be feeling the pain I'm feeling now, I guess not so much.
Wheyhwe you feel what I'm feeling or not, I know you would be keeping yourself busy with everything.. Just like you are, I'm also keeping myself busy.
I received a call from Meeples yesterday that I am in for the 7 Wonders final tournament..
I was shocked but I was not happy. I didn't know if I should go for the tournament because initially I joined this tournament was because of you. I wanted to support you and to be there for you as you play this favorite game of yours in a tournament. Even as friends when we played this tournament together, you told me if I were to enter the finals, you would go to support me but definitely not anymore..
Should I go? Hmm..
I went for a board games session today with ZR and his group of people...
Played two different games and it was really fun. I guess you're also having fun playing board games with Gareth's group after your dinner..
Somehow, playing board games without you around felt different. It felt as though something was missing but I don't know what. It's not like the rest of them are not fun to play with but having you around is definitely different.
I really miss your presence, your presence still lingers in me.

I felt a lot of hatred and anger in me today.
I couldn't stop thinking about the things you did to hurt me.
I don't understand how could you be so mean and so cold to me...
I just... Don't know anymore.

Day 20

Today was really a tough day for me..
When I'm not working on Saturday, I would be looking forward for our date or board games session with friends but today was somewhat different.
I had to get used to my Saturday's without any board games or any Makan session with you, things felt different. I start to wonder if you would feel the same way like I do because your absence is greatly felt.. My imagination started running wild and I stared thinking that you might be having your own board games session with your friends or you're probably or on a date today.. I can't help but to think of all this nonsense.

Ever since we broke up, I've never stepped into Mid Valley because there's a lot of memorable memories of us. Every step that I take while I was in Mid Valley, I felt a knife going through my heart. I was walking around and I passed by this very restaurant that really wanted to make me cry; the restaurant you asked me to be your girlfriend. I stood in front of Tony Roma's for 5 minutes and I just stared at the restaurant while all the passer by just gave me a weird look. All that was going through my brain was that scene of how you asked me to be your girlfriend. It was really sweet, it was very touching and it is something I will always remember. I went to buy our favorite chicken pie and it reminded me of our first time buying it  together. I remembered back then the sales person cracked a joke in Malay which I did not understand and you just laughed at me.. Sigh..I continued walking and before I realised I was in front of speedy. There is this pillar in front of speedy, it's the place you always wait for me. I just looked at that very pillar and everything was the same but I didn't have you waiting there for me anymore. Again, I stood there for awhile remembering how you always waited there for me but I know it's never going to happen again.. As I was walking to the escalator to the car park, I saw this korean restaurant, Dubuyu.. Do you remember this restaurant? It was the first korean restaurant where we had korean food together.. There is just too much memories of us flooding in me that I feel like I can't breathe...
I guess I shouldn't go back to Mid Valley for quite some time..

I went to Jaya Grocer today to buy groceries and I saw something that was very familiar.
It was a box of biscuits that had a panda in front..
I don't know if you remember but I remembered using this panda biscuit box to cheer you up during your exam back then when you were feeling anxious..
I just stared at the box for awhile and I decided that I should just buy it and keep it as a memory..
It was the only last box there and I just thought maybe I'm just meant to buy it...
I'm feeling very overwhelmed by all of our memories..
Our relationship wasn't very long but we've been through quite a bit and we've shared a lot of good memories together..

I'm wondering how was your day today..
Did I ever crossed your mind today?
Did you think of us..?
How are you getting along without me in your life..?
Did my absence in your life make you feel happier..?
What have you been doing today..?

When I go back to places we've been, I feel very sad..
I didn't feel sad last week because we were still friends and as friends we could always go back to places we've been ada couple before.. But now it's just different. We're no longer friends, we're merely strangers to each other.. We will never ever be able to go to places we've been before ever again simply because we're no longer friends. It's harder to digest because the memories at those places we've been before would be the last memories of us there together..

I went indoor bouldering today..
It was something new and it was fun, it took my mind off you for awhile...
I guess it's part of my journey to move on and to forget you...
It's not as easy as moving on from our relationship, it's moving on getting used to not knowing you anymore..
I've moved on from our relationship and I know we can no longer be together at least for now.. But now it's a different situation.. It's not just moving on from our broken relationship, it's moving on in life without even having you as a friend.. You're basucally gone from my life and I'm gone from your life.. If we were to see or bump into each other, we won't acknowledge each other and we just won't talk anymore like yesterday.. We practically don't know each other anymore. It's really tough and I wonder if I'd get through this..
It's a lot for me to endure..
I've just got abused a week back and while my wounds are still fresh, you added salt on my wound by blocking me and deleting me out of your life...
It's very painful....

Whatever it is, I still pray the best for you...
I still hope you would be able to meet someone who would make you fall in love so deeply that you will have the motivation to overcome your commitment issues...
I probably want good enough for you that you never did love me to have the motivation to fix those issues..
If I were to keep track of a list of failures in my life like you do, this would be in my list of failure..
I didn't do enough, I wasn't good enough and I wasn't worth your love or effort to fix the issues within you...
If you were to meet someone in future that you truly love, I'd be very happy for you..
I guess after all loving someone is just wanting them to be happy....
I wish that you will be happy in your upcoming days, months and years..
You are always in my prayer...

Day 19

There's a lot for me to digest this past few days that I start to doubt my ability to handle such situations..
I'm starting to wonder if I'm dumb or if I just don't understand what is happening... Why do I say so..?
You told me you will not contact me for the time being and a day later you completely block me on whatsapp.. Well, how does that sounds like a temporary thing or something you could do for the time being?
If you blocked me because I contacted you that night, I contacted you with the intentions of wanting you to know that you're safe. Okay, maybe my message wasn't clear enough, you misinterpreted my message and so you blocked me.. But when Wenni told you that everything has been settled and that everyone is safe, you should have known why I contacted you earlier. Despite you knowing my intentions of contacting, you still chose to continue blocking me on whatsapp.
I view blocking someone on whatsapp a very drastic and extreme action. It's basically telling the other party " Get out of my life".
It's not like I'm bugging you every day or every hour. If I did bug you every day and every hour then you have every reason to block me, but I didn't bug you in that sense. I've been asking myself what have I done wrong to deserve such treatment from you.
First you said lets not contact for the time being and then here you are complete long cutting me off from your life? I don't understand and I guess I will never be able to understand.
If you really thought that I'm not listening to you, you could have told me " I need to block you on whatsapp because I think this is the best way for now. When everything has subsided I'll unblock you and talk to you again". At least if you said something like this it would have made me understand and I would know what to expect in future.
I'm honestly very disappointed with how you handled the situation.
I never knew you could be so mean and so cold towards people..
You can just cut everything between us as though it didn't mean a thing to you. It feels like it's so easy for you to cut everything to do with us and to move on.
Everytime you do something that cuts our relationship, you're practically stabbing me in my heart..
From how you exited our common group, deleting our photo, not wanting to talk to me and deleting me from your life, it was a very slow and painful death to my heart.. It's like you're killing my heart slowly, at your own pace.
This might be your way of moving on, I don't really know..
But whatever you're doing now is based on how you feel or what you think is right..
You never discussed with me.

Sometimes I really wonder if God is trying to play with me..
I can't believe we actually bumped into each other at the lrt station today..
I can literally see how you were trying to walk away from me or how you would hope to not see me..
Seeing how you reacted, I chose not to acknowledge you too. This could be how you want things to be, right?
Somehow we walked into the same platform and saw each other face to face. I guess you had no choice but to say hi and I just smiled back at you. We stood seperately and we didn't talk at all.. I had a very strong urge to go up to you and to ask why did you block me, why did you choose to hurt me this way.. But I controlled myself and just let it pass. I told myself if this is how you want it, I would respect your decision and live the way you chose for us to be.
Even at Homes today you were also avoiding me and we never talked. I would say I sort of expected things to be this way after the incident at the Lrt earlier this morning..

You know your action of blocking me on whatsapp and avoiding me when you see me makes me feel that you just hate me very much..
I feel like you hate me to the extent of blocking me on whatsapp and asking me to leave your life.
I'm serious and I'm not exaggerating. You can go up to any person and ask them if they were in my shoes, how would they feel.
I don't know if you realize the indirect message that you're sending to me but how I perceive your actions is asking me to leave your life forever.
I suddenly feel that after all the effort of nurturing our relationship, the only thing I deserved in the end was to be blocked on whatsapp and to get out of your life. Yeah, that's how I feel.
Well, some people would probably say that this is not what you meant and that whatever you're doing now is just for the short run. I'm sorry, I don't view it that way.
I always wanted to be a different kind of girl to continue being your friend and to support, motivate and encourage you in your life. But sadly, I can't anymore.
I feel so hurt that I can't shed any tears anymore; or rather I'm feeling numb.
Jess asked me what if one day after you've recovered and you decided to unblock me and to be friends again, what would I do? I told her I don't know..
That would depend on how long you were to block me. If it's over a period of 2 weeks or so, I might just let it pass and be friends again. But if it's months, I guess that time I would want you out of my life too.
The way I see how we are going now, I don't think we could ever be friends.
I guess I'll just have to accept the fact that I've lost a very good friend...

I just want you to know the decision and choice that you have made for us..
I will respect it and I will honor your decision..
This is how you want to be, to be strangers, I will do it...
I'll just have to adjust treating you as a stranger..

Despite me being sad about us, I was really happy at homes...
I cooked the tom yam fried rice and helped Shallin to make Her desserts...
I was busy and I'm happy that everyone is caring so much for me..
I thank God for sending me all of this angels to shower me with love as I go thorough this tough season....

Overall, today was an okay day.
I'm getting used to living my life with your absence..

Day 18 ( Once-In-A-Lifetime Kind Of Love)

I just got out of a relationship recently and somehow many people are asking me how are things like between me and my ex. I had to respond politely saying “we’ve just broken up recently”, almost immediately they would give me the pity and sympathy kind of look. I guess this happens because many people thought we were really sweet and loving together; they thought we looked perfect together. There are a lot of people telling me how I deserve someone better and that I will be able to fall in love again with the right man, that I’ll be able to love him just as much or even more. I know people are saying this to make me feel better or at least to help me to ease the pain that I am feeling. However, I hope what everyone is telling me now is wrong. I hope I never find someone I love as much as him..

I don’t say that because I hope that we get back together instead I say that simply because the love I shared with him was too much for me. It was raw, it was passionate, it was all-encompassing, it was emotional, it was everything. He was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about at night. He was the guy who managed to make me laugh, drive me crazy and emotional. Throughout the relationship it was like a roller coaster ride of missing him, loving him and hating him. I would miss him whenever he isn’t around, I love him just the way he is and that I hated him whenever he hurt me so badly..

I hope my ex was the love of my life because I never want to feel that kind of love again. It was a short-lived relationship but it meant everything to me. It changed my life and it is something that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I found that kind of love passionate and I loved every minute and every second of it. We seldom argue or fight but even if we did, I still loved it. But I never want to feel it again because that kind of pain and hurt that was mixed with such passionate love was just too much for me.. It was too much for my heart to handle and when he decided to leave me, I didn't understand why and I felt that my whole world was collapsing.

I believe I would be able to fall in love again someday in future but I hope it would be a different kind of love. I don’t want someone to be my other half, I want someone who makes me feel complete on my own. I don't want him to be the best part of me, I want him to encourage me to be a better person on my own. I want someone I can rely 24 hours out of the day. I want a love that makes me smile and go to bed completely content with my life and not one that keeps me worried all night long.

My ex taught me more about love than he would ever realize. He also taught me how to improve and to be a better person. I remembered my ex telling me how he would never be able to find a girlfriend who would love, support and care for him the way I did. He probably would not be able to find someone who would do all the things I did for him but I believe he would be able to find someone better than me. I pray that he would be able to meet someone who would be able to make him love unconditionally and to experience how amazing love can be. I hope this love that we experienced is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love and that we would be able to experienced a better, more whole kind of love in future...

Day 17

A lot of things has happened in the past two days...
Yesterday afternoon you called me telling me that you will have to stay far away from me and that you will not be contacting me for the time being...
I was upset but I thought okay... Until my issues with my ex are settled....
And yesterday night itself I did settled the issue and my ex is currently behind bars...
Somehow God just reminded me that I have a friend who he father is an inspector.. I reached out for help and managed to settle this issue... Praise God for that!
I tried calling you to tell you that the issues have been settled and that your life is not at stake anymore.. But you chose not to answer my call...
I only wanted to tell you that, that night when my ex called me to tell me that he saw me with a guy.. It was a fake.. He wanted to dig more information from me and he wanted to see how much I would tell him.... Thank goodness I didn't give any information...
I texted you to call me back because it was very hard to type it out through whatsapp...
I never expected you to block me through whatsapp today after reading my message....
You know the feeling of being block is like being blacklisted....
I thought okay... Maybe you thought I wanted to tell you more problems that you didn't want to be involved.. So I typed a message and asked Wenni to send to you....
However you still chose to continue blocking me on whatsapp....
So I guess this is your decision then...

I got a little out of hand because I didn't understand why you had to be so extreme and drastic as to blocking me on whatsapp...
Jess called me and talked to me over the phone...
She explained to me that the leaders said you shouldn't be the one who should be giving me the emotional support than I need.. I should be seeking the emotional support form the other female leaders and not you.. Because if you continue to provide me with this support, it would just complicate things...
I understand what she's saying and the intentions behind it..
It was your choice to choose this extreme way...
You might be thinking to yourself that you've told me yesterday that we should not contact for the time being but I'm not listening because I contacted you last night... So the immediate way to solve this way to block me so I wouldn't be able to text you and you wouldn't receive any messages from me...
It works well in the short term... But how you thought of the long term?
Or do you expect me to understand that this is just for the time being and everything would resume after this season....?
You might be thinking that this would work well for now and that after we have the distance between us.. Or when you decide to unblock me when you're ready that things would be the same that we could still be friends....
But let me tell you... The moment you block me on whatsapp, you've sent me an indirect message to me already... How I perceive your actions would be " Please get out of my life, I don't need you to be in my life"... Yeah, this is how I preceived the whole thing... Or maybe this is the message you would like to send to me as well...
It's either you are thinking that it's gonna be for the time being or that you do indeed want me out of your life....
But to me.. It's more to wanting me out of your life...
I know you've passed your DFM exam... I'm really happy for you and that I'm very proud of you too...
If we were still together, we would probably celebrate tomorrow...
If we were still friends, I would've been able to congratulate you...
But now that we're nothing, I can't do anything....
I'm really happy you passed your exam and it brings back some memories to me...
I remembered how I sent you an email to calm you down and to cheer you up...
You told me my email really calmed you down and you were more still....
Now I'm wondering now that you've passed, do you remember me supporting you through your exam? Or me calming you down...? I guess not...
I read all the comments people wished you on Facebook.. And I guess you don't need me to congratulate you for passing.... There are a lot of people waiting to celebrate with you and to wish you congratulations... With or without my wishes makes no difference... You probably don't even want me to wish you congratulations...
If I really do want to wish you congratulations... I could easily send you a text message or to drop you a Facebook message wishing you congratulations...
But I won't be doing it... I will not be wishing you because you want me out of your life...
You don't need me to congratulate you...
This is decision you made to eliminate me out of your life and I respect your decision...

I'm going through another grieving process where I feel that I've lost a friend...
It's going to be very hard to adjust myself to treat you like a stranger...
If we ever meet at church or homes or anything...
I will not acknowledge your presence neither will I talk to you...
To me, we're just strangers....
I don't know if you know how much you've hurt me by blocking me... And the indirect message you've sent me by taking this action...
You probably couldn't be bothered anyway for now.. You're too busy being happy over the pass of your exam... You're just happy now and whatever things or issues that are present will be swept aside...
I'm happy that your list of success is getting longer.. And that the failures in your life has reduced...
I wished I could be sharing your joy with you but not anymore; not even as friends..
You must be really happy now and happy at work tomorrow because of the joy of your success...
I'm not shocked if you stop thinking of the issues and problems between us..
Or if you've stopped thinking about the decision you made to block me on whatsapp...
You wouldn't need to think of all these unhappy events when you have other things to be happy about.. When you have people to celebrate the joy of  your success....
I would like to think... The intentions of what you've said and done was for the best interest for the both of us.. And as much as it hurts me, it hurts you too...
As much as I can try to understand your intentions and reason behind your actions.. That is so much that j can understand.. No matter how much I understand it will never change how I perceived your actions and it will not change how hurt I feel...

But whatever it is...
I'm happy that you passed your exam.....
Congratulations on passing your exams Panda!! I'm very proud of you and always have been....

Goodbye Panda...
Goodbye to my good friend... My best friend... And to the guy I love a lot...
From now on, we're just strangers..
I don't know how things would be in future... But take care....
I will always remember the time we spent together.....
It will always be a part of me and my memories....

Day 15

I went to work today looking like a zombie..
Everyone said I look pale and sick....
After leaving work early things happened again, I was being stalked on...
I had to report to police to make sure I'm safe.. After reporting I was still stalked on and the only thing I could think of was to find you... You were supposed to accompany me to the police station but it didn't happened because I've lodge a report while I was being stalked on....
I drive to Bukit Jalil to find you..
While I was waiting for you, I was trembling... I felt scared and I felt insecure...
When I finally saw you, i anted to run towards you and hugged you but I controlled myself...
I told you that I was being stalked on and you told me "Its ok, I'm here with you "... This sentence of yours actually calmed me down a little....
As we were driving off from the station, I saw my ex standing there looking at my direction.. I panicked and drove even faster....
We went to Sunway Pyramid to eat; I ate my favour ire korean food....
During that period when we were eating, we talked a lot... About us and everything....
You told me... "If I didn't jump the gun to start a relationship with you and be friends longer with you, we might still be together now"... When I heard that, my heart fell...
Well, if we didn't start the relationship, we would have broken up and we wouldn't be addressing our issues individually...
I told you that all these while you've been feeling that our relationship progressed too fast and maybe this was the only way to slow things down between us; to start every from scratch, from friends..
Who knows what would happen in future.. We might be together in future or we might just be good friends in future..  You just nod your head after listening to what I have to say...

You also told me that your first ex girlfriend knows you quite well..
She's seen many sides of you and you've seen different sides of her too...
The both of you have known each other for many many years...
I was wondering why didn't you reconcile with her since the both of you know each tiger so much... You just kept quiet....
I started asking myself if I were to know you more and if you were to know me more, will we be able to reconcile and start a relationship all over again...
I had this thought because many people told me the best relationship starts from best friends... Sigh..
I really hope we could be more than what we are now...

I told you how you were a good boyfriend to me...
Given all the circumstances and issues in you, you've done the best you could..
You've tried hard enough... And I told you that I hope I was an okay girlfriend to you too...
 You said " you're kiterally the best girlfriend anyone could ever ask for.. I'm telling you know that in future I will never be able to find a girl who would treat me like you did; the love and support that you gave me"... When I heard you saying this, I was happy... At least I know I played my role well....

After talking we left sunway pyramid...
You insisted to follow me home because you feel that he might be there stalking on me...
During he journey back to my house, I kept looking at the back mirror...
We've been together for nearly 5 months and it's rare to have you to follow me home...
I can't believe now that we've broke up, you actually followed me home to make sure I'm safe...
Life can be very ironic at times...
I could see how worried you were...
I'm just blessed to have you....

We thought my ex didn't stalk on me anymore but then I received a call from my ex saying that a girl sent me home.. I hung up and called you to make sure if you're fine....
Thank goodness you're fine....
You told me not to let my ex use you against me...
You told me to be strong....
I could hear from your voice that you were emotionally exhausted.....
Im sorry panda..........
I'm sorry for dragging you into all this...
You didn't deserve this.....
You deserved much better.....

Day 14

I don't know how to describe what I've felt today...
I was abused last night and I thiught I didn't want to tell anyone especially you...
Somehow today when I was at church, you could sensed that I'm down...
After church you asked me if I'm ok, I said I am okay and walked away...
As we were walking to our cars, you tapped on my shoulder and I was in pain... At the point you knew something happened to me and you probably already know that I was injured by someone...
Sigh... You read me so well....

Today at church I didn't expect you to initiate to ask if we would like to have brunch..
Of course I would love to! So I decided to forfeit the tickets to Ip Man3 and have brunch with you all since I didn't have the mood anyway...
I didn't expect us to be able to sit down to have brunch again...
I was overwhelmed when you decided to watch Ip Man 3 with us at Setia City Mall later in the afternoon... We were supposed to watch this movie together before we broke up.. I can't believe we could actually watch this movie together ... I'm really happy....
You've been trying to cheer me up today... Making me laugh and making sure I'm ok.... I am really happy....

Later in the evening today.. Something else happened and I was devastated...
I went to find you and Yinli because I know if I didn't find you all, I'd kill myself...
I told you all what happened and I think you were shocked and sad....
I really don't know if I made the right choice telling you...
You comforted me...
You didn't judge me...
You accepted me....
I remembered how you sayang-ed my head just now...
I loved how you sayang me just now.. I always have..
When I was crying like mad, you asked me if I wanted a hug...
It made me cry more because I felt so unworthy...
Before I left, I hugged you tightly....
You pushed my hair to a side and hugged me...
I didn't want to let you go because being in your arms felt so good...
There's nothing more to ask for than to be in your arms....

Maybe breaking up with me was a right decision because if you were still with me, you would be so stressed out knowing what has happened to me.. And probably feel useless for not being able to comfort me or making me feel good again.....hm