Day 19

There's a lot for me to digest this past few days that I start to doubt my ability to handle such situations..
I'm starting to wonder if I'm dumb or if I just don't understand what is happening... Why do I say so..?
You told me you will not contact me for the time being and a day later you completely block me on whatsapp.. Well, how does that sounds like a temporary thing or something you could do for the time being?
If you blocked me because I contacted you that night, I contacted you with the intentions of wanting you to know that you're safe. Okay, maybe my message wasn't clear enough, you misinterpreted my message and so you blocked me.. But when Wenni told you that everything has been settled and that everyone is safe, you should have known why I contacted you earlier. Despite you knowing my intentions of contacting, you still chose to continue blocking me on whatsapp.
I view blocking someone on whatsapp a very drastic and extreme action. It's basically telling the other party " Get out of my life".
It's not like I'm bugging you every day or every hour. If I did bug you every day and every hour then you have every reason to block me, but I didn't bug you in that sense. I've been asking myself what have I done wrong to deserve such treatment from you.
First you said lets not contact for the time being and then here you are complete long cutting me off from your life? I don't understand and I guess I will never be able to understand.
If you really thought that I'm not listening to you, you could have told me " I need to block you on whatsapp because I think this is the best way for now. When everything has subsided I'll unblock you and talk to you again". At least if you said something like this it would have made me understand and I would know what to expect in future.
I'm honestly very disappointed with how you handled the situation.
I never knew you could be so mean and so cold towards people..
You can just cut everything between us as though it didn't mean a thing to you. It feels like it's so easy for you to cut everything to do with us and to move on.
Everytime you do something that cuts our relationship, you're practically stabbing me in my heart..
From how you exited our common group, deleting our photo, not wanting to talk to me and deleting me from your life, it was a very slow and painful death to my heart.. It's like you're killing my heart slowly, at your own pace.
This might be your way of moving on, I don't really know..
But whatever you're doing now is based on how you feel or what you think is right..
You never discussed with me.

Sometimes I really wonder if God is trying to play with me..
I can't believe we actually bumped into each other at the lrt station today..
I can literally see how you were trying to walk away from me or how you would hope to not see me..
Seeing how you reacted, I chose not to acknowledge you too. This could be how you want things to be, right?
Somehow we walked into the same platform and saw each other face to face. I guess you had no choice but to say hi and I just smiled back at you. We stood seperately and we didn't talk at all.. I had a very strong urge to go up to you and to ask why did you block me, why did you choose to hurt me this way.. But I controlled myself and just let it pass. I told myself if this is how you want it, I would respect your decision and live the way you chose for us to be.
Even at Homes today you were also avoiding me and we never talked. I would say I sort of expected things to be this way after the incident at the Lrt earlier this morning..

You know your action of blocking me on whatsapp and avoiding me when you see me makes me feel that you just hate me very much..
I feel like you hate me to the extent of blocking me on whatsapp and asking me to leave your life.
I'm serious and I'm not exaggerating. You can go up to any person and ask them if they were in my shoes, how would they feel.
I don't know if you realize the indirect message that you're sending to me but how I perceive your actions is asking me to leave your life forever.
I suddenly feel that after all the effort of nurturing our relationship, the only thing I deserved in the end was to be blocked on whatsapp and to get out of your life. Yeah, that's how I feel.
Well, some people would probably say that this is not what you meant and that whatever you're doing now is just for the short run. I'm sorry, I don't view it that way.
I always wanted to be a different kind of girl to continue being your friend and to support, motivate and encourage you in your life. But sadly, I can't anymore.
I feel so hurt that I can't shed any tears anymore; or rather I'm feeling numb.
Jess asked me what if one day after you've recovered and you decided to unblock me and to be friends again, what would I do? I told her I don't know..
That would depend on how long you were to block me. If it's over a period of 2 weeks or so, I might just let it pass and be friends again. But if it's months, I guess that time I would want you out of my life too.
The way I see how we are going now, I don't think we could ever be friends.
I guess I'll just have to accept the fact that I've lost a very good friend...

I just want you to know the decision and choice that you have made for us..
I will respect it and I will honor your decision..
This is how you want to be, to be strangers, I will do it...
I'll just have to adjust treating you as a stranger..

Despite me being sad about us, I was really happy at homes...
I cooked the tom yam fried rice and helped Shallin to make Her desserts...
I was busy and I'm happy that everyone is caring so much for me..
I thank God for sending me all of this angels to shower me with love as I go thorough this tough season....

Overall, today was an okay day.
I'm getting used to living my life with your absence..