Day 7

While I was driving to church this morning, I cried again..
I used the same highway, the same road to Subang , everything was the same.. The only thing that was different was us...
The moment I walked into church listening to all the worship songs, I cried again.. I went to the toilet and cry... After the praise and worship today, I went out to the toilet with Yin Li to cry again.. I just couldn't stop crying.. I didn't see you at church today.. I thought you were supposed to come and pass me my things..? I guess you must have overslept....
Things are really different for me today..
Usually on Sunday's, we would head to church together.. We would walk into church holdings hands.. After church we would go for brunch and okay some board games... And after that we would head back to your home to rest...
How I missed those times we shared...
All I could ask myself was.. How could you throw away our relationship and everything that we've shared...

I went to 7 Wonder's tournament and saw you there..
I was hoping to see you but when I saw you, I felt something running thorough my spine...
I registered for 7 Wonder's tournament earlier but I never told you because I wanted to surprise you.. But after that, I never had the chance to tell you because we broke up....
I was surprised that you were able to talk to me like a normal friend today...
I think it was such a coincidence for you to be sitting beside me during the tournament... We randomly picked a number and you were seated beside me....
During the tournament, you talked to me and laughed with me.. things felt good...
You even asked me if I would play Blood Rage with you if you receive the game....
How I wished we could be friends like how we used to.....

After the tournament you passed me my clothes....  I felt pain as I took my clothes from your car...
It feels like there's no connection between us anymore...
When I looked into your eyes, I felt like hugging you so tightly....
Eventually we just talked about us and I told you I have things to tell you...
So, we met up at your area and talked for three hours....
I was happy to hear you say that you did love me.. but you just feel that the love for me can only reach to a certain point because of the issues we have and the commitment issues that's in you..
I guess hearing this makes me feel better.. at least I know that the time we spent together, the love I felt was real...
Throughout the whole conversation, I could see how frustrated and agitated you were...
I guess these are the things that you just don't want to think anymore...
I'm sorry for confronting you for answers....
We talked about your deeper issues as well and I do hope that you will fix it....
You said if you cannot solve your commitment issue, you will not get a girlfriend...
I do hope that you can work your way through this with God's grace and overcome it...
There's a lot of things waiting ahead of you.....
I told you that it would be the last time that we'll talk about issues like this and that it would also be the last time you'll see me..because I'll be leaving....
You were shocked when I told you that I'll be leaving to Singapore in less than a month...
You told me that you hope Im going to Singapore not because I'm running away from the things that are happening here.. that it is not because of you that Im leaving..
You said if I am leaving because of you, then you'll have this weight on your shoulder that if anything happens to me.. It would be your fault....
If I choose to go to Singapore to study, even if something happens to me.. It will not be your responsibility... I made the decision to leave and it was my choice.. You will not be held accountable for a decision I make...
Before I left your car, I asked you if I could hug you... After the car accident, I thought and I felt that I will never get the chance to hug you ever again... You told me "sure"....
When I hugged you, it felt so good... It felt so close... It reminded me of how you hugged me when we were still together... You pushed my air to one side and hugged me tightly, slowly rubbing my back..
I will never forget how you held me in your arms....
I will never forget how we were when we were still together.........