Day 20

Today was really a tough day for me..
When I'm not working on Saturday, I would be looking forward for our date or board games session with friends but today was somewhat different.
I had to get used to my Saturday's without any board games or any Makan session with you, things felt different. I start to wonder if you would feel the same way like I do because your absence is greatly felt.. My imagination started running wild and I stared thinking that you might be having your own board games session with your friends or you're probably or on a date today.. I can't help but to think of all this nonsense.

Ever since we broke up, I've never stepped into Mid Valley because there's a lot of memorable memories of us. Every step that I take while I was in Mid Valley, I felt a knife going through my heart. I was walking around and I passed by this very restaurant that really wanted to make me cry; the restaurant you asked me to be your girlfriend. I stood in front of Tony Roma's for 5 minutes and I just stared at the restaurant while all the passer by just gave me a weird look. All that was going through my brain was that scene of how you asked me to be your girlfriend. It was really sweet, it was very touching and it is something I will always remember. I went to buy our favorite chicken pie and it reminded me of our first time buying it  together. I remembered back then the sales person cracked a joke in Malay which I did not understand and you just laughed at me.. Sigh..I continued walking and before I realised I was in front of speedy. There is this pillar in front of speedy, it's the place you always wait for me. I just looked at that very pillar and everything was the same but I didn't have you waiting there for me anymore. Again, I stood there for awhile remembering how you always waited there for me but I know it's never going to happen again.. As I was walking to the escalator to the car park, I saw this korean restaurant, Dubuyu.. Do you remember this restaurant? It was the first korean restaurant where we had korean food together.. There is just too much memories of us flooding in me that I feel like I can't breathe...
I guess I shouldn't go back to Mid Valley for quite some time..

I went to Jaya Grocer today to buy groceries and I saw something that was very familiar.
It was a box of biscuits that had a panda in front..
I don't know if you remember but I remembered using this panda biscuit box to cheer you up during your exam back then when you were feeling anxious..
I just stared at the box for awhile and I decided that I should just buy it and keep it as a memory..
It was the only last box there and I just thought maybe I'm just meant to buy it...
I'm feeling very overwhelmed by all of our memories..
Our relationship wasn't very long but we've been through quite a bit and we've shared a lot of good memories together..

I'm wondering how was your day today..
Did I ever crossed your mind today?
Did you think of us..?
How are you getting along without me in your life..?
Did my absence in your life make you feel happier..?
What have you been doing today..?

When I go back to places we've been, I feel very sad..
I didn't feel sad last week because we were still friends and as friends we could always go back to places we've been ada couple before.. But now it's just different. We're no longer friends, we're merely strangers to each other.. We will never ever be able to go to places we've been before ever again simply because we're no longer friends. It's harder to digest because the memories at those places we've been before would be the last memories of us there together..

I went indoor bouldering today..
It was something new and it was fun, it took my mind off you for awhile...
I guess it's part of my journey to move on and to forget you...
It's not as easy as moving on from our relationship, it's moving on getting used to not knowing you anymore..
I've moved on from our relationship and I know we can no longer be together at least for now.. But now it's a different situation.. It's not just moving on from our broken relationship, it's moving on in life without even having you as a friend.. You're basucally gone from my life and I'm gone from your life.. If we were to see or bump into each other, we won't acknowledge each other and we just won't talk anymore like yesterday.. We practically don't know each other anymore. It's really tough and I wonder if I'd get through this..
It's a lot for me to endure..
I've just got abused a week back and while my wounds are still fresh, you added salt on my wound by blocking me and deleting me out of your life...
It's very painful....

Whatever it is, I still pray the best for you...
I still hope you would be able to meet someone who would make you fall in love so deeply that you will have the motivation to overcome your commitment issues...
I probably want good enough for you that you never did love me to have the motivation to fix those issues..
If I were to keep track of a list of failures in my life like you do, this would be in my list of failure..
I didn't do enough, I wasn't good enough and I wasn't worth your love or effort to fix the issues within you...
If you were to meet someone in future that you truly love, I'd be very happy for you..
I guess after all loving someone is just wanting them to be happy....
I wish that you will be happy in your upcoming days, months and years..
You are always in my prayer...