Day 3

Today is the first day of me going to work after our break up... It feels very different.
Everywhere I walk to, I see us, our memories that we've shared...
I saw memories of us while we were still together.. Where you would wait for me patiently until I finished work and we head back to your house together...
My life without you feels different, feels empty..
I don't know if I would ever get used to living my life without your presence..
The absence of your presence is greatly felt...

I went to the fruits stall to buy fruits today and as I was walking there, I was feeling very scared..
I didn't know if we would bump into each other.. Or if I would be able to see you...
I felt a sense of relieved when I didn't see you there...
Things would be very different if I were to meet you..
It would not be like last time where we can talk to each other and laugh..
There's no more physical intimacy; no more hugs, no more kisses and no more holding hands..
This journey for me to move on is really tough...
You gave me so much to feel for...
No matter what happens, I'll still love you with all my heart...
Up to this point, I still believe you're worth fighting for and you're so worth my love...

I cried many times in my office toilet today because all that I was thinking was you..
All the messages you've sent me since I first asked you out for lunch in June 2015 was still in my phone, I never deleted those messages..
The more I read it, the more my heart ached..
When I read back those messages you sent me when you were resting at home after your artery procedure, I cried..
You said.. you are happy and grateful that I spend my whole day with you..
You said.. you love me...
Even on Christmas Day, you told me you lava me...
I dont understand how can your feelings change within a week where you tell me you didn't really love me in a romantic way, that it was more of a brotherly-sisterly kind of love?
How can so much things change within one week?
If you say that all these while you didn't really love me in a romantic way because whenever you asked yourself if you love me, you never got an answer. If this is so, why have you been telling me that you loved me all these while?
During our two weeks time out when you wanted to be together with me again, why did you tell me that you are more sure than ever that you do care and love me? Was it all a lie?? Tell me, enlighten me, how can things change so fast???!!

I dont understand how can you be so selfish to just leave me like this..
I dont understand how can you be so irresponsible towards our relationship...

I went out with my friend today and got into an accident on a highway...
I was sitting at the passenger's seat and when the car hit a lorry, I thought I was going to die..
During the whole incident, I was thinking of all the important things in my life.. 
I was thinking about my mum, my sister, my brother, happy, my dad, my friends and you..
Do you know how important you are to me??
If I were to die today, my biggest regret in my life is not being able to overcome my OCD, not treating my family better, not patient enough with my sister and not being a better girlfriend for you..
If only I was more sensitive towards how you felt, things might have been better...
I wonder if you would even care if I got into an accident..
I wonder if you would be upset if I died today..
I wonder if you would realize your actual feelings for me if I were to die today....
I wonder if you tell me your actual feelings if I died..
I really want to know so badly about how you are actually feeling for me and our relationship..
Did you mean what you said on that night or it was just clouded with all the other emotions and fears in you???

I don't know what to say or feel now........
I just... miss you......