DAY 1

It has been a long time since I last blogged and I never imagined coming back to this webpage of mine. I guess I am back here blogging because I needed to write my feelings out. It will be a place for me to express my feelings for you because I just can't talk to you anymore..

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PANDA & DORAEMON'S STORY

We met each other at our work place back in December 2013.
I remembered I had diarrhea and you were my Doctor. My first impression when I saw you was this doctor looks young and cute. I thought you were a good doctor and so I keep seeing you after. It's funny how you eventually found me annoying and irritating that you can't even stand being friends with me and so, we drifted apart. I went to another Bank to work and we lost contact, our only means of communication was through Facebook. After 1 and a half year, I went back to Masjid Jamek to work and I decided to ask you out for lunch. After the lunch, we somehow reconnected and became friends and eventually got together. I remembered you telling me that you felt that I've changed when you receive my message asking you out for lunch, I guess people just mature. When we had our lunch at McGoo, you actually thought I am different from last time and that you find it comfortable talking to me. I guess eventually our relationship developed further and I am thankful it did. 
Our first date was at BubbleGum and us watching Minions together, I will never forget that moment. I don't think I ever told you before but that was the time when I realized I was attracted to you. You were lame but funny and you somehow manage to make me laugh over the smallest things. 

During July 2015, some things happened between us that made us realized how we felt for each other but we didn't proceed into a relationship because you needed time to think. During that waiting period, I felt like I was waiting for something that would not happen... During my birthday, you bought me a Doraemon toy and I customized a 7 Wonder's shirt and bought a panda toy for you. Somehow things happened and we got together on 22 August 2015. I will not forget this important date because it means a lot to me even until now. I remembered you asking me out for a movie and a dinner. We went to Mid Valley at dined at Tony Roma's. I remembered the look on your face when you asked me to be your girlfriend and how you held my hand. Obviously I agreed and we got together and continued to watch our first movie together as a couple, we watched Inside Out. To end that day sweet, we had Haagen Dazs ice-cream after the movie. 

Throughout our relationship we had happy and sad times, we had agreements as well as disagreements. But we eventually worked it out and stayed together. During December 2015, you had to undergo a procedure for your artery and I was there to support you and be by your side. I thought it would have strengthened our relationship because of the things we have gone through together but it seems that it didn't. Everything ended on 3rd January 2016, we were together for 134 days. 
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Today is the first day of us being apart and I really want to make it an effort to write out as much as I remember about us because I want to remember every small details about us and I don't want to forget them. The memories you gave me, the feeling we shared and the time we spent meant so much more to me than you could ever imagined. I have not slept for 72 hours and I couldn't stop crying because the feeling of losing you is so real and it's very painful. Everything you said, kept playing on my mind like a recorder, it just feels so pain. I was thinking about you the whole day; thinking about the memories we made over the period of 134 days together. I just couldn't stop crying and I just kept crying hysterically. 

Thinking of how nice and how kinds your parents were to me, made me feel like thanking them personally. I drove down to your house and wanted to thank your parents personally but I did not have the guts to do so and so, I drove to Setia City Mall to get a Thank You card. While I was walking in the mall, I saw places we've been before and the memories slowly came back. I remembered there was once we went to Boost to have a juice and we sat down and had a great talk with each other and I asked myself if we would have the chance to do so again. Shortly after I left the mall and drove back to your house and I started crying hysterically again, I really don't want to ever lose you from my life but I knew you had to go. I dropped the card in your mail box and parked my car elsewhere while I was crying again. Panda, many thought and questions came back to my head and there were questions I couldn't find answers. After the two weeks period, you told me you were more sure than ever that you do care and love me; and that you would work hard to make this relationship work and not give up. But why did you tell me that you never really loved me in a romantic way yesterday..and that is the reason why you didn't have the will to work on this relationship anymore. Why are your words so contradicting? If back then you already knew that you cannot work this relationship up, why didn't you let me go back then; why did you have to tell me that you realized how much I meant to you and how much you loved me. Why did you give me the hope to believe that you would work hard with me to make sure this relationship works out? Why did you have the give me all the hopes and taking all the hopes that you've given me? Why did you have to hurt me this way? If you were honest with me back then during the two weeks timeout, it would have been much easier for me to move on...

Yesterday I asked you if you would push your feelings for me aside and let it die.. and when you said " I don't love you in that way and that is why I do not want to work on this relationship anymore; so there's not much feeling left to be pushed aside". Do you know how hurt was it for me to hear you say this to me? it's as thought this 134 days being together didn't mean anything to you and that you didn't feel for me one bit. 

I love you a lot but I am deeply broken...
I still hope the best for you and I prayed to God that He would heal you...
Perhaps.. only time could heal us.....