Day 4 (cont')

Just now I was finding some article on Google on how to move on from broken relationships and if there is a possibility to reconcile in future. As I was searching, I found an interesting article relating to Commitment Phobia. When I was reading the article, the first thought that came to my mind was you. I started to understand that you had commitment phobia and that explains many things that happened between us. Don't get me wrong, I am not pushing all the blame on your commitment issues, I have issues too. Its more like, I started to understand a lot of things that happened during our relationship and that a lot of the things is not your fault, that I should stop asking myself why are you hurting me this way..

People who are commitment phobic feel they need to cut off their feelings after a certain point of knowing someone as a means of feeling in control and feeling emotionally protected. This is often not conscious and it is going on at the deepest level of sub consciousness. They are looking for perfection; which is what they erroneously feel would make them happy, in control and ultimately emotionally safe. People with such phobia's have problems staying in a relationship.

- http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2015/01/08/what-is-commitment-phobia-relationship-anxiety/

- http://www.visualizationworks.com/commitment-phobia-the-source-and-the-way-out/

A lot of the things that was mentioned in the article could be related to you..

I started to understand you better and I started to realize the seriousness of your issue..

To be honest, when I was reading the article, I had a mixed feeling. I felt happy and and uneasy at the same time, it's a weird feeling to be described. I felt uneasy because i dated a guy with commitment issues and I never realized it and now that I have read this article, I realize how hard was it for you to be in a relationship with me. I feel happy reading this article as it gave me a sense of relieved about our break up. When I was reading the issues related to the commitment phobia and how can it be overcome, I asked myself if I could be there for you throughout the whole relationship if I knew how bad it was. The answer to that question is, I don't think so. No matter how much I love and care for you, I can't accept the fact having a boyfriend who would constantly ask himself if this is the girl; if you are meant to be with her..If I were to be with you in a relationship knowing that you will always have this thought of breaking up at the back of your mind because of issues and commitments, I don't think I can be with you. This is because having to know my boyfriend keeps having the thought of breaking up at the back of his mind and I can't exactly tell how is he feeling for me makes me feel very insecure. Therefore, when I read this article I got an answer in me that I can't be in a relationship with you no matter how much I love you for now until that issue have been settled. 

Panda, reading this article also made me realize one thing..it made me realized how you tried hard in our relationship..

The past few days I have been asking myself a lot of why.. Why did you hurt me? Why did you tell me you loved me if you don't? Why did you want to continue being with me when you knew you couldn't be committed?

After reading the article on commitment phobia, it made me realized how you wanted to try and you did tried but it just couldn't work..

When I think back about the first time you bringing me home for dinner, I remembered how nervous and anxious you were. I asked you why are you so nervous and you answered me "Its the first time I am bringing home my girlfriend to meet my family, of course I am nervous". I guess you were feeling scared too because when you bring me home, the commitment level rises as I am now known to your family members that I am your girlfriend. Even it was hard for you to take a step further in our relationship by introducing me to your family, you did it! When I think back about the small little things you did back then that didn't seemed a big thing, it is ultimately the biggest thing you've done for me and for us now.. The past few days I keep asking myself if you ever loved me because all the things that you've been saying seems to contradict with one another but now.. I have a different view and thought.. What matters to me now is knowing that you have tried in our relationship and that you did want it to work but it just didn't...

Throughout our relationship we've been seeking God and putting God in the center of our relationship because we both trust in God and his presence. I believe if we are meant to be together and if that it is God's will, we definitely would be together. If what we are going through now is part of God's plan, then this is the journey you and I both have to carry on. I will have to solve my own issues especially my OCD while you solve your commitment issues on the other hand. As for now, I really don't mind being friends with you and that I want to be your best friend. I don't know what the future holds for us but I can visualize myself being your good friend supporting you through your ordeal. I see myself as someone who will be supporting, motivating and encouraging you through your hardships in future and I am happy. If we are meant to be together like how everyone is telling me, I believe the process and journey we are going through is a necessity for us to grow as a person and that if we do get back together our relationship would be strong and solid. I also believe if I can be your good friend to support and encourage you to overcome your ordeal, by the time you have settled your issues where you can rationally examine your feelings, you will know how you feel for me. In the event if I supported and motivated you through your hardships and things just didn't work out for us then I supposed we were meant to be just good friends and that I was part of your life to help you grow just like how you helped me grow. It would be very nice if I could be your friend who supported and motivated you to overcome your commitment issues and if we ever got back together, that it would be such a blessing. It would be a blessing because of the journey we have gone through individually and coming back together as a couple.. 

I will continue to pray for the both of us.. but I will pray more for you.. for you to overcome you issues and to face your issues with courage..that God will be your pillar and anchor throughout the tough time.. 

I trust that if we love God and put God in the center of our lives, everything else will eventually fall in place.. and that includes our relationship and us...

I guess I can finally move on.. but moving on does not mean that I don't love you.. moving on just means that I have accepted us breaking up and that it is for the best.. I still love you but this is how we can be for now.. No matter what happens.. I'll always be there for you....