Day 6

I couldn't sleep the whole night last night again..

All that was on my mind was us..

I thought of how much deeper our relationship could be if you allowed, I thought of what we could be in future... 

I guess this whole break up is really hard for me to accept as I know well enough that things could have been worked out, if only you allowed it to...

I started to doubt God.. I asked God why did He put me in such a situation and giving me such pain... I asked God what He wanted from me... 

The past few days I didn't really shed any tears and I thought I was fine..

But little did I know that the pain was so intense that I hid my emotions in the deeper me..

Somehow today I started to think back about us and how loving we were or what we could be, I cried hysterically again...

Maybe I just can't accept this whole thing.. It's too sudden... 

I felt that familiar feeling of being down.. Being depressed again...

I told Wenni that I wanted to kill myself because I just don't want to endure such pain...

It was agonizing..

There are many people who tell me that I should just let you go because of your irresponsible words; because of your immaturity in relationships and because you are confused with your own feelings...

Some say you don't deserve my love and some say that you are in no position to be in any relationship because of your commitment issues..

Some say that I should just cut all ties with you and some said we should still try to maintain our friendship...

I am trying very hard... I am...

I don't know if you realised how badly hurt I am...

I can't find a single word in the dictionary that could describe my exact feelings...

Michelle, Sam and Yinli, friends of mine for many years told me that they have never seen me in this state before.. Michelle and Sam said that they have seen me going through various obstacles and through it all, I was strong.. They said they are said that this break up alone could tear me down as such.... Yinli said through the years she has known me, she said whenever I go through a break up or a difficult situation... I would just tell her about it but I will be able to manage myself.. She said this time she finds it very different... I asked so many people for their opinion and I even seek for WF advised on this matter.. I know if you were to find out, you would be unhappy... But please stand from my point of view to see this matter. You told me you love me throughout this relationship and then on that night we broke up, you told me all these while it was just a sisterly love?

I don't know how to process it and you make feel so confused, so lost... 

I was very desperate to seek for answers to my questions on how you felt about me and what did you say such hurtful words...

He is your good friend and there is no one else I know that could tell me what is on your mind more than him.... I needed to understand and to find answers to your contradicting statements..

You make me feel so lost and confused... 

All the issues in you that I want to talk to you about just feels like now isn't the right time..
You texted me today asking what are the issues that I want to talk about... 
You also edged me a second message asking me what time will I be at church as you would like to pass me my clothes... I didn't reply...
I guess at this point in time it's hard to talk to you again... Of course I don't mind taking back my stuff and drawing a line between us... I can feel that you are very desperate to return me my stuff.. I guess it's because it would remind you of me...

I met with Wenni at SS15 McD drive-thru.. The place where you would meet people to sell off your board games.. And it's also the place we've player board games togetehr before... 
I talked to her in the car crying my heart out wondering how you could throw our relationship away....
After crying we went in to eat and I looked at the long table where we played board game back then.. And the table when you and I both sat before... My heart broke into pieces....

I never asked for much in our relationship..
I never asked you to buy me anything, to bring me to places and to travel out of Malaysia...
All I did ask was for your love and time...
But... I guess... It was too much to ask for...
People say my love for you is selfless and pure...
If it is... You would've appreciated me more, right?
I guess... I'm just nothing to you... And whatever I did for you.. Didn't mean a thing to you...
That ultimately the 5 months we shared, was nothing to you...

I wonder how would things be like when I take my clothes back from you tomorrow... I'm really depressed..
I wished I could hug you now...
I miss the warmth of your body surrounding me so badly.......