DAY 2

I am still feeling very hurt, but I guess I am feeling better than yesterday..
The more I think about us the more my heart breaks..
You told me you didn't love me in a romantic way and that it was all along a brotherly-sisterly kind of love. But back then during our timeout, you said you are very sure that you do indeed love me. I don't understand how things can change so fast. One moment you tell me you do love me and the other moment you are telling me that you've been asking yourself all along if you loved me; and the answer you got was "I think so". If all along you "Think" you love me then why did you tell me that you do indeed love me?? Why did you have to make me feels this way now??? When I think back about the things you have said, you really hurt me badly. I remember how you told me that I was your girlfriend and I am already a part of your family. I also remember you asking me on what I think if you moved to Trefoil because you if you moved there, you would like to settle down there. Therefore, you would like to know what your partner thinks, in this case me about Trefoil. All these things that you've said made me feel like you include me in your future plans; that I was part of your future but I was wrong...

Now that I think of you not being able to commit to relationships, it explains a lot of things which I never had the chance to tell you that night. It feels like you are using the reason of you not loving me to justify you breaking up with me. Why do I say so? I understand the reason of you not being able to commit to me, I really do.. But it seems more like you have been trying to commit to our relationship over the past few months but you couldn't and you kept trying that you became emotionally drained. In addition to all the other issues we had, it did not help and it drained you even further. If feels like you wanted a break up badly because you didn't want to have the stress to think about us, about our relationship and how to work things out between us because you were simply drained after trying so hard. It's like you want to feel relieved from the stress you were feeling, you wanted to break free and to get away from that feeling. Maybe as you said, you really don't love me in a romantic way, but are you so sure that the feeling of you not loving me that way isn't influenced by the fear of your commitment and other negative feelings? You said you felt relieved because you didn't have to worry about what kind of tone I would use to thank to you; You said you felt happy because we both came to an agreement in the end to break up and still be friends; You said you felt at peace after breaking up with me. My question to you is, how sure are you that what you were feeling isn't influenced by the thought of being committed to me in our relationship?  It felt more like you feeling relieved because you didn't have to be committed to a relationship and that you didn't have to think about us anymore; It felt like you were feeling happy because you didn't have the burden of needing to work on our relationship anymore; It felt like you were at peace because after breaking up with me you didn't need to have the stress to commit to a relationship and that the burdens and issues in the relationship are all lifted up from your shoulders. These are just my thoughts and it could be wrong because I am not you. Things can't change 360 degrees within 34 days. One moment you feel that you really love me and the other moment you feel like you actually never really love me in a romantic way. What are you feeling now? I wonder if you are feeling anxious and stress  because of the commitment issue that you became emotional and you just don't know what you are saying or feeling anymore. Everything you have said to me contradicts with one another; I just don't know what you feel anymore. I am not saying the only reason for you to leave is because of the commitment issue, I have my issues too and I know it did affect you. You know, you told me all this while you didn't have the fire in our relationship because you didn't love me in that way and if you did love me in a romantic way, you would work our relationship out. Did you once consider that it is because of your commitment issues that you don't have the fire to tackle our issues and to work on our relationship? If there is no commitment in a relationship, the relationship will definitely fail. Why? When people come together in a relationship, they have the commitment to each other as well as to the relationship to work things out together. When there is no commitment in a relationship, you will not have the will to work things through the relationship.

The time when you were admitted into hospital and I was there to support you emotionally and physically, I actually thought it would have strengthened our relationship. Somehow, I was wrong. A lot of couples relationship become stronger after arguments as well as going through obstacles and challenges together. But.. somehow its the opposite for us. I do feel closer to you when I took care of you at hospital and spend time with you during your one week resting period. However, I just feel that it's not the same for you. It feels like the longer we are together, the more we've gone through things, you were drifting further for me. I don't know if it's your commitment issues but I honestly feel that when things are suppose to draw us closer, you pull yourself back. It makes me feel that the closer we get together, the more you'll get scared and anxious because of the commitment required in a long serious relationship. The closer we get, maybe the fear of the commitment starts to haunt you and you just somehow decided to pull yourself back. Maybe you don't realized but it feels like every time I take a step forward, you'll take a step back.

I did a lot of thinking today and I really feel sorry for being an insensitive girlfriend to you.
All these while you have always been asking me if you were too slow for me or if I mind that you were slower than me. I also remembered that there was a time where I asked you about some PC questions, you smiled and you looked at me and said "there are things that I am better than you too". Now that I slowly think through all of the small things you've said back then and also that night when you said you feel that you slow me down, I realized that you might have felt that you were not good enough for me. You have never said that you were not good enough for me but somehow when I think back about all of the things you've mentioned before, you somehow feel that I am smarter and faster than you. I feel that inside you, you somehow feel a little intimidated. I am really sorry for being so insensitive to you and I will improve myself on all of the issues you've told me so that I can be a better person.

I took a slow drive to your house today to reminisce all the times when I drove to your house for church and other activities with you. The memories of us just flooded in and I really will miss those times we shared. I drove passed your house and I saw your car there. I looked at the small grassy area where I always parked my car; I looked at the road thats heading towards your house; I looked at your car and I said goodbye. Goodbye Panda. From today onwards, I will move on and let go of you slowly. I love you a lot but I don't have to be with you to be happy. If being happy for you is without me, I will accept it as long as you are happy. All I need and want is for you to be happy and I will be contented. Panda, when you love someone, you don't calculate how much a person sacrifice for you. You told me that if I have to change so much and sacrifice so much to be with you, then that is not love. When two people are together, they adjust to each other and they grow from there. It's just like how we were before we started our relationship and how we are now as a person is different. This is because during the whole  process we change for the better and we adjust to each other.

Goodbye Panda..
I Lava you.......