Day 27

The big day has finally arrived, my farewell...
Wow... It was a really scary day for me.....
As I was driving to Taipan today, I was feeling very anxious.. There was mixed emotions in me, I was feeling happy, sad and anxious...
I didn't know how I would react seeing you because I just don't know how or what I'm feeling anymore.. It's just so weird to me that you're blocking me on whatsapp but you're coming for my farewell.. It doesn't make sense.
When I saw you walking in, I went to the toilet and looked myself in the mirror..
I told myself "Nicole, you can do this.. You won't question him anything and you will just enjoy the brunch"..
Then when I walked back out to seat, you said hi to me...
As we were eating and talking, you were trying to talk to me..
I didn't understand why you would talk to me..
We talked a little bit here and there and that's about it....
Things were very different for ne because I couldn't talk to you like how I used to anymore, not even as friends..

We parked our car at the same carpark and when we were at the carpark, I couldn't find my car and told you and WF to leave first.. You said it's okay and that you will help me to find my car... It felt weird because it's not your obligation to make sure I find my car.. I don't mean that you are caring about me in a special way but any friends would probably help me to find my car.. It's just that to me, we are no longer friends...
When I found my car I looked at the both of you and said " See you when I see you"..
You told me you were going to Meeples, I was like... Felling a bit weird..
You knew that I was going to Meeples to play my tournament but you still chose to go Meeples to get your gnes while I'm there...
I mean you blocking me on whatsapp basically means you want no communication, so why are you buying the game knowing I'm there.. It just feels strange..
After registering myself at Meeples, I went down wanting to buy water and I saw WF in the car...
I talked to WF a bit and he just said he thinks I collected myself very well.. I told him how I hated myself back then for simply lashing out at people and that's when I told myself this isn't my normal self and that I will collect the pieces of me back...

I'm just happy that I didn't go crazy bombarding you with questions..
I felt like I handled the situation well and I guess that's what matters....

Sigh I almost won 7 wonders tournament!!!! I did badly in the last round...
If I did okay in the last round I would be top 3 instead of top 4...
Oh well, I just have to accept it.......
I texted the Farewell group saying I got 4th place and that I didnt win.. I didn't exoect you to reply saying I did well since I got 4th place out of 13 people...
I didn't know what to reply so I ignored the message....

Today a guy hugged me and I literally stoned..
I don't think I'm ready for any of this at the moment...
I'm not close with that guy so when he hugged me and it felt weird...
I'm having this withdrawal effect from you so being hugged by a guy would ease my withdrawal effect.. It did ease my pain but it felt weird... He just hugged me and I just stoned without hugging him in return...
I've been distancing myself with guys around me because I just didn't want to be like how I used to be.. I didn't want to use other guys that was hitting on me to get over the broken relationship.. Sure it would help ease my pain but that isn't the right way... It really isn't...
I think I'm old and mature enough to handle the pain that's in me without relying and using other guys to help me ease the pain..
I'm not going to date until I've gotten over you and that I've recovered......
I don't mind meeting new guy friends and be friends but nothing more than that for now and I'll just see where things lead me to after I can finally date again....