Day 23

I couldn't sleep the whole night last night, I guess I was subconsciously thinking of you.
I went to work today feeling lousy and very emotional..
I just feel a little off today and I decided to see Dr Leong and asked if I needed to see a psychologist. Well, she said she thinks I'm coping well with all that has happened and that im not going crazy because I can still rationalize. Good or bad, I don't know.
I think you wanted to find Dr Leong and peeked into the room, you probably saw me. As I was collecting my medicine, you came back from the washroom and rushed into the room. It got me thinking if you saw me and wanted to avoid me again.
For some reason I'm feeling a lot of anger and hatred in me recently..
The anger in me is building as day passes.
I didn't realize how lousy I was feeling that everything reflected on my face.
My student mum told me " Teacher Nicole, I've not seen you so stress before over the 4 years period that I've known you". It got me shocked wondering how terrible I really looked. At office today, many people asked me if I'm okay.. I tried to keep calm and answer politely that I'm fine but I guess it wasn't convincing enough that they asked me a couple more times. I exploded and erupted like a volcano at office. I've not been like this before, this just isn't me. At times I might be cold and icy but there are a lot of the times I would laugh hysterically.. I guess over all the incidents, I've started to lose the happy part of me, the crazy and bubbly part of me.
I felt really bad lashing out at people but I didn't understand why I was doing that..
Michelle told me it's because I've stopped crying that there are no ways to release the emotions in me that I start lashing out at people.
I just don't feel like myself anymore, I can't even grip hold of myself.
I decided to take leave tomorrow and be away from everyone so that I won't be lashing out at innocent people and that I have the time to visit a counsellor.
I think I need to see a counsellor for help because all that I'm feeling is anger, frustration, agitation and hatred in me. This negative feelings in me are really strong. Even when one of my ex cheated on me back then, I didn't feel  so much anger in me. Somehow, I don't know why this time I'm just feeling so much anger and hatred.
Besides all the anger and hatred in me, I also have panic attacks.
When I thought about you or about us, I get a panic attack. My hands start trembling, heart starts pounding and I just feel like I can't breathe. I never thought I would be so badly affected by you and your actions. It's not your fault, it's mine because my coping mechanism isn't good.

Whatever that I'm going thorough now or whatever I'm feeling now is definitely worse compared to the time when I was going through our break up. I guess there's just too much for me to cope with. After our break up, I managed to grip myself again and I was recovering.. Then my crazy ex hurt me and I went down again but before I could grip myself you cut me off from your life and I fell deeper again.. There's not enough time for me to recover and to cope from all this ordeal that has taken place.
I don't understand how can a normal guy friend of mine be there for me throughout my ups and downs, tried supporting me through our break up which I pushed him away after because I didn't want to rebound. No matter how much I pushed him away, or how I made it so hard for him to be there for me, he never left my side supporting me. I didn't allow him to stand by me to support me so he supported me from far through small actions. He was just a friend or maybe a guy whom likes me. But.. You were the guy who shared 4 and a half months of my life; who shared memories with me; who once said you loved me; who told me how much you cared about me.. But you just left there and then for whatever reasons. I can't brain this.

You told your friends you are drawing a line because of safety reasons. Well, I don't see how the reason is valid anymore because everything has been solved. Are you trying to psycho yourself to make yourself feel better? I guess no one would know but you and God. Carol told me she don't think you don't want to talk to me anymore or don't want to be friends anymore that what you're doing now is just temporary. She said you told them that you called me before blocking me off. Yes, you did call me to tell me that you will not be talking to me for a time being but you did not say that you were going to block me on whatsapp. It's 2 different things and it carries different message. You can stop talking to me by not replying my messages that night or just ignore me completely and I'll get the message. By you blocking me on whatsapp literally means you want me out of your life, that's the indirect message you're sending.
I guess women solve issues by addressing the issues, trying to fix or mend things back and then give up.. On the other hand, man tend to brush the issues aside and let it subside and forget about it.. I don't know anymore..
Carol told me when I go to Uk, I'll probably meet some hot guys and end up marrying them. I certainly hope so...

Whatever it is, I'm going to find myself back and grip onto myself again..
I'll be a better version of what I was and grow as a person...
I can't continue to let myself sink in despair..
I can't continue to lash out on innocent people...
I can't stand myself now..
I can't stand the Nicole now... The Nicole who is so filled with negative feelings that she's just so volatile and emotional now.. It's just not me...
Hopefully after seeing a counsellor tomorrow, things can take a turn..