Day 8

I thought I could move on easily from you as I had answers to my questions pertaining to us...
I felt a sense of relieve knowing how you felt back then and how you feel now...
Last night I asked you if you still like me more than a friend.. You said "we just broke up a week ago, of course I still like you more than a friend.. but the feelings is reducing towards just being friends"..
Well, at least for now, you still feel for me to a certain degree....

Today when you left the Board Games group chat, I felt needles pricking my heart...
You are trying to cut off all connections with me.. the only group chat that is left for us in Homes and our Board Games group chat....
I do wonder if you would exit it too....
Watching you cutting off all our connections really feel painful....
There's nothing left between us... I know its meant to be this way but.. it definitely hurts...

Today Yin Li asked me if I really did put your feeling before mine..
All these while I thought I did put your feelings before mine.. but I guess I am wrong....
She said if I did put your feeling before mine then I wouldn't have brought or created any issues during your exam period... She asked me to think of you would feel good about it back then... Thinking about it she's right... You are stressed with your exam and here I am adding burden to you...
I guess maybe all this time, I cared about how I feel and what I want... It wasn't about me caring how you felt but me caring about how I felt...

I'm really sorry for neglecting your feelings and not prioritizing your feelings before mine..
I am really sorry...
I feel so depressed today...... 
After work I drove straight home and sat in the car... I looked at the parking lot in my condo where you once walked passed...
I remembered somewhere back last year when I had fever, you drove to my condo to see me.. You came with a coconut juice.. and you spent time in my room watching one episode of flash before you left for home...
It will always be a very sweet and memorable memory of how you took care of me when I was sick....
I really don't know who am I going to move on....
I really love you so so much...
I never knew I could love someone to this extent... You are the first and I hope that you will also be the last...
There are a lot of people telling me to date around and don't give up on a first because of a tree..
But to me... you weren't just a tree.. you were everything....
I told them that I will never be able to be in another relationship for quite some time and that I am in no position to have one,..
I have been avoiding a lot of guys lately.. Now that I am heart broken, I do not want to use other guys to get over you... If I were to date or be with them, I will definitely feel better because there's someone loving me and caring for me.. but it's not the right way... I do not want to rebound....
You just mean so so much to me....
It'll take a very long time for me to let go of you and to accept that there will never be a "we" anymore...
I do wonder if you would love me again in future....
Last night when I asked you if you think we could ever be together again.. You told me"you don't' know"....
You said you agree with what Dorin said.. that if I believe that meeting you at UOB and HSBC again is fated and destined by God... and that if we are really meant to be together... God will eventually bring us back together... What we are going through now is a way for you and I to grow into the person God wants us to be and also to address the issues we have in us... If we were meant to be together by God, when we have grown into a fuller version of ourselves, that it would be the right time for us to be together again... Maybe we're not meant to be together for now and that we are meant to be together in future when you and I have both grown into the mature and fuller versions of ourselves... 
You said you totally agree with what she said because you strongly believe if we are meant to be together... We will eventually be together in future...
I remembered telling you what WF said about me leaving to Singapore yesterday... that if we were meant to be anything in the next upcoming months or year... It would never happen and that I would have killed all hopes because I choose to leave Malaysia... And you answered me" I don't really agree with what he says because if it is meant by God, we will eventually be together again.. but the journey of getting back together might be tougher"....
I am still thinking and reevaluating my decision to leave......
I will definitely miss you a lot.......