Wow, reading back my own blog really gives me chills all the way to the back of my very own spine. I can't believe what I've read on my very own blog.
Past one month has been a really overwhelming month for me..
I went to Japan for a holiday and I really enjoyed my trip!! *yay for that*
But unfortunately, I had an accident where I fell in the bathtub and knocked the back of my head. Well, I was unconscious for a moment and when I woke up, I still remember the fear and the shock that I've felt then because I didn't know where and why was I there. I had to get up from the bathtub and sit on my bed quietly to gather the thoughts back and I remembered I was in Japan for a holiday.
Being the usual me, I thought it was just a fall. I mean, how bad can a fall be apart of the swelling, right? I went back to sleep and the next day when I woke up I was feeling nauseated; I had double vision and feeling very fatigue. I couldn't go for a checkup because most of the Japanese don't speak English and neither do I understand Japanese. So, I decided to wait and to do a checkup when I'm back in Malaysia.
I had high fever on the day I landed in Malaysia and the next day I realised I can't seem to remember things that has happened in the recent months. I quickly went to see a GP and she diagnosed me with concussion. She referred me to see a neurologist to get my brain checked. I did a MRI and a CT scan. The neurologist has diagnosed me with concussion and amnesia. It's been nearly a month since the accident and I haven't felt any better. I have very bad headaches; my eye sight is really bad that I need a glasses; there's ringing sound in my ear and I can't seem to remember what I've forgotten.
The worst part of this whole accident is not about the pain that I'm feeling but rather losing a part of myself. I've lost memories about 1-2 years of my life. I don't remember the friendships I've made over these period and the events and things I've done. I know this whole blog is about my ex boyfriend, a guy whom I used to love so much.. But, I can't even remember him now..
What I know about my ex boyfriend is what I read from my own blog. I guess I started writing this blog as a means of soothing my feeling .. But in the end I'm reading this blog to help me understand and remember things that has happened in my life, how ironic is it?
Everyone told me how good it was for me not have amnesia because it's better this way. I didn't understand why until I decided to read my very own blog.. My good friend told me I had a blog and it's all about my ex boyfriend... I finally decide to read on this guy whom I have no memories of. I guess I finally understood why everyone said it was good. Reading my very own blog, I can feel the pain, sadness and anger in it. I don't feel angry or sad at you now because there's nothing to be sad about instead I found it funny.. I never imagined how I would ever allow myself to love someone to that very extent. I frankly don't remember and I can't remember how it felt.
People have been telling me how good it is to have amnesia because I get to have a second first impression on people.. Well, my second first impression on my ex boyfriend is bad. Why? Just shortly after I've been diagnosed with amnesia I've received two screenshot messages of you and another party. The things that you talk about and the things you are capable of saying makes me sick. I don't care how much I loved you but at this very moment, you make me sick.
One of the saddest thing for my mum and friends that I've met in church would probably be how I don't remember the connection between me and God. The Nicole now don't feel that it is important going to church and it isn't a priority to me. This could be because I have regressed back to two years ago where I stopped attending church. I don't know if I would ever get the same feeling going to church again like how I once felt back then. Friends that I've made in church are trying hard to help me remember the times I've shared with them and the things I've done with them.. But the more they do that, the more they treat me as the Nicole I once was, it gets me stressed. I feel bad for not remembering them; for not remembering people I once value so much as a friend.. I guess this is something that I can't seem to face and bear at the moment and decided to explore and try some other churches. I don't know if I could find that passion and love I once had for church and for God but I hope I would be able to find the Nicole everyone once knew. Maybe like what Michelle said, I should have a new start. I should make more friends and get to know more people and also reconnect with the people I've forgotten.. To take things one step at a time and not pressurize myself... Whatever my reason was to stay in my previous church, it could be because of my ex boyfriend or the people in the church.. But it isn't important anymore because I don't remember them and that I should have a new start and a new life...
Amnesia has taken a part of me away.. All the life experiences that I've learned over the years is just gone in a blink of an eye..
Although it really hurts me and the people I've forgotten, I will just have to live my life now..
If my memories are meant to come back, it would eventually...
I've tried too hard to remember events that has occurred which caused me much headache and I just don't want to inflict more pain on myself..
I'll just be a brand new Nicole to everyone including myself...
Be the best that I can...
As for you, my ex boyfriend...
I don't know you anymore and I really don't want to know you anymore.
Frankly speaking, if you stand right in front of me now, I probably won't even recognize you..
Well, reading on the things I've wrote about you... You seem to be a pretty decent guy or maybe I was blinded and bias with my very own judgement because I was in love with you..
I'm just curious to why I would fall for you so deeply and allowed you to hurt me so much.. But despite how you've hurt me, I still loved you.. I really don't get that. I guess to fully understand that, I would have to ask the me back then. I don't know if my memories would ever come back but I do hope it will come back.. Maybe there was a lot of unhappiness after the break up between us, but I'm sure I would have learnt a lot from this whole relationship that I once felt so much for. Also, I would really want to remember the friendships I've shared and made over the past year and to remember my very own relationship with God.
The ending for this blog, for us:
You lead your life, I'll lead mine..
You live your life, I'll live mine..
You go your way, I'll go mine..
We will walk on our very seperate paths...
Whether we'll ever meet again, I don't know...
Even if we do, it'll be better not to talk..
Whatever we may be, I won't know..
If we're meant to be in each other lives as friends or anything else, it'll be God who would decide and lead us..
Till then.....
Goodbye ex boyfriend.....
