Day 24

I didn't sleep too well last night too..
I'm on leave today but I couldn't sleep pass 8am..

I went to see the counselor today at 4pm and I was really anxious and nervous. It reminded me of the time I had depression and had to see a psychiatrist. It wasn't a very pleasant feeling but I guess I really needed help to make sure I do not fall into the pit again.
She was a very nice lady and she told me somehow she sense a strength in me that would pull me through this. I guess I got the strength from my mum; her strength has rubbed into me and that made me who I am today.
The counselor asked me a question which I didn't know how to answer. She asked me where did I get the courage to talk to you normally when I met you in the hospital the other day. I paused and thought for a bit and I really didn't know where I got the courage from.
Thinking back about how you hurt me but I could still pull myself to talk to you normally, I then realized I am strong.
You are a guy whom I truly loved.. Recalling the issues and incidents that took place in between us was heart breaking..

1) You wanted a two weeks timeout and told me you were leaning towards being friends when I was having depression.
2) We got back together and you told me you are more sure than ever that you do indeed love and sayang me.
3) You were admitted into the hospital and I spent my holidays with you, taking care of you. It didn't feel tiring at all, in fact it felt great because I was part of your tough journey.
4) You broke up with me stating that you didn't really love me and I later found out you had deeper issues in you such as your commitment issue.
5) We managed to become friends after the break up and things were getting better as I became emotionally stable.
6) My crazy ex did all those crazy stuff that made me felt terrible about myself ..
7) You couldn't stand what was going on and for your own safety, you decided to leave me there and then.
8) You completely cut me off your life and left me feeling devastated and lost again. Before I could grip hold of myself after what my ex did, you rejected me as a friend and I fell into a deeper hole which I don't see any way to get out of it.

The counselor told me that she can see how much I love you and how all these incidents can affect me so badly.. She commented that despite of how you hurt me and disappoint me, I could still talk to you like normal and that requires a lot of courage and strength. If it was other girls, they would have just ignore or just leave but I somehow managed to talk to you like normal. Thinking back I really didn't know how I did it. Given the circumstances now, I don't think I'll be able to do it when I see you on Saturday.
Now that I'm a little more calm and when I think of what has happened in this short span of time, how I was hurt; how I was emotional; how I was rejected; how my love was not reciprocated, I thought that I am amazing. I had this thiugh because in spite of how badly you've hurt me, I still loved you and I still do..
No matter how I wasn't treated the way I was deserved to be treated or how tough you made it for me to love you, I never left you and I still chose to stand by your side..
There are people asking me, if you didn't love me then why didn't you tell me that when I was taking care of you in the hospital. At least if you told me then, I wouldn't need to waste my time taking care of you and that I could enjoy my holidays doing something else. Well, I told them I don't know and maybe you just cant measure things this way. When I look back now, I still don't think I've wasted my time taking care of you. In fact, I'm happy that I was part of your life during your difficult moments and that I thank God for allowing me to be there for you, to show how much I loved and cared for you. I was grateful that I was able to support you and to shower you with unconditional love during that moment.
Some people thinks I'm stupid for thinking this way because they feel that I should be loved the way I loved you.. Well, I have an entirely different thought from them. I think it's sweet to love and be loved in return but a lot of the times we just can't control what the other person would do for us or how the other person thinks. All I can do is to play my role and my part well so I have no regrets. Happiness does not necessarily come from being loved in return, it can come in many different ways. For instance, I think being able to love someone is a form of happiness. When you truly love someone, you won't measure who love who more or who sacrificed for who more. You'll just be too busy learning how to love that one person the right way and to make that person happy. All that would matter is the well-being and happiness of the other party. Sometimes even if it hurts or if it's tough to love the person, you'll still want to storm through the obstacles just for that very person because he/she is just so very special. When you are truly in love, you will not measure love in any ways and all you would want to do is to love the person unconditionally. It might sound dumb but being able to love someone unconditionally is also a form of happiness that you can give part of yourself to that very person.
You are just so special to me that whatever I've done for you didn't seem like a sacrifice to me.. How you always say about me loving you more or how much I did for you, it actually really isn't anything..
Being able to love someone is happy and being loved in return is a blessing.. I wasn't lucky enough to be blessed to be loved in return but whatever I've done for you made me happy.. Loving you made me happy, caring for you made me happy, supporting you made me happy and never giving up on you no matter how bad the circumstances may be made me happy....

I guess after today's counseling session, I realized I really do love you a whole lot.
It hurts to love someone and be hurt in return but I'm happy that I experienced this..
I'm not saying this as a sarcasm but because I never knew I could actually love someone so much. I've never loved anyone the way I loved you. I never knew I could do so much for a person and that I could go all out even if it means hurting myself..  I never knew loving someone requires so much of effort and hard work and all these while I've been learning how to love you the right way and it just feels great..

A lot of people said that I was amazing for loving someone so much without expecting anything in return... And someone people said you are selfish because all you cared about was yourself.. You cared about your feelings, you wanted to do things at your own pace and that you made major decisions for us based on what you think its the best for us.. It's all about what you fee or how you think things should be for us but you never discussed with me. All you did was informing me on all your major decisions such as the break up and cutting me off completely... You told me what you wanted but there were no discussion made..
Maybe there's just a lot of growing for the both of us.....

The counselor thought I was very mature and sensible for my age..
Good or bad, I don't know..
But I guess I am feeling better now.....