Day 5

Today was rather a tough day.. I thought I could be strong but I realized it was difficult. 
I initiated sms with you today because Wenni thought it would be good to initiate and so I did. It wasn't that bad but when you asked me about my ribs, my heart felt an ache. It felt like you still cared for me but you are trying not to, things were just very different for us. 
I never expected us to have met at the fruit shop today and ta-daaa, we just somehow bumped into each other. I really wonder if it was part of God's plan for us to meet because when we met, I guess the both of us figure that it was kind of awkward. I prayed to God and asked for guidance and I decided to text you to ask if you were comfortable being friends. To be honest, I expected you to tell me that you needed time to adjust. I was just wondering in my mind how come you were so sure we could be friends when we broke up and now you sort of can't be friends? Did you think that the relieved from the break up you had on that night was not what you thought it was? In order words, the feelings wasn't so simple as to feeling relieve but there are other elements attached to us..?
I wanted to tell you today about your inner issues like your low self-esteem, failures in life as well as your commitment issue. I wanted to tell you so badly because I felt like if I do not tell you now, I might not have the chance to do so in future. But I realized that now is not the time to tell you because you are emotional now as we just broke up and whatever I say now may not be listened by you. I told you to find me when you are ready to be friends that we will talk about this issue. 
I really wonder if we could ever be friends like last time before we started our relationship..
I asked you if we could ever be good friends like how we used to.. you said "I think so.. It definitely won't be exactly the same as before.. But yea.. After sometime apart.. Sure...For now,aside from church and homes, I think it be good for us to do such stuffs apart from each other..And reconnect with old friends etc.."
I hope we could be friends like how we once were.. It was the best friendship ever.. It was so calm and soothing... If I were to lose that friendship because of our broken relationship, I'd regret starting with you.. I would rather have you as my best friend than having you as my boyfriend for a short period of time and losing you from my life.. I don't know why despite how hurt I am, I still want to be in your life... I pray to God to heal you and that you will overcome all your inner issues and also that you and I could be good friends again.. I know we can't be together for now because of all of our issues but I do hope that we could be together in future when we have settled our issues.. 
When I met you at Homes, I felt that things were really different between us. I recalled how we were at Homes back then even when we were just friends and also how we were when we were together. I remember how you would come up to me and talk to me and get food for me to eat but.. it's all different now. Today you kept yourself busy throughout the entire night talking to different people and you won't even look at me into my eye, you were avoiding me.. The only time you look at me was when you said you need to pass me back my clothes as your parents want to put things in the room.. I don't know if it's coming from you or your parents.. You might just feel uneasy seeing my clothes in your house and that it could have bring memories of us again....I guess you were more at ease when we were playing the online game as you started talking to me a little.. As we were going home, when we said goodbye, the feeling was weird too.. Back then, we would hold hands to your car and we will kiss each other... If there is a word to describe our relationship, it would be passionate or loving.. We were very loving despite the issues we have in us, or at least we try to be loving and passionate to each other.. One week ago, we were at Empire Hotel playing 2 player board games and I was half dead.. If only I could rewind time, I'd play with you until the sun rise and enjoy every single minutes and seconds spent with you.... I feel that I could've appreciated and loved you more in our relationship, but I did not do and this will be my regret... 

I really wonder what our lives would be without each other's presence..
Will you then start to realize the importance of my presence in your life?
Will you ever be committed in a relationship again?
If you still love me, would you have the courage to be with me again??

I heard that you are going to watch Ip Man 3 with WF tomorrow..
You told WF "If we were still together, we would be watching this together"..
I told WF "If we were still together, we would be Kung Fu Panda 3 together"..
I still do hope to want to watch this with you, we've been talking about it for months!
But I just don't think we could ever watch this movie together even in a group..

Panda, I applied to Nanyang Technology University in Singapore and got accepted..
I initially wanted to apply because I wanted to be away from here... 
I never expected to get a reply so soon that I have been accepted.. 
Now that I have been accepted, I am thinking if I should go.....
If I go, I would kill all chance or hope to reconcile with you in the next two years... 
I don't know if I should go... 

You know when we first got together, I told you I am scared to be with you because if it doesn't work out, we will lose our friendship.. and now that we have broken up.. I wished I made the other choice of not being together so we could still be close to each other...
However, that day when we got together I sensed something telling me that you are the one and I need not look any further... Now that we have gone our separate ways, I still sensed it in me that you are the one....
Maybe it was how you ended our relationship.. It's all about how you want and your time frame..
If you ended it saying that you have issues that needs to be settled and that we can't be together for this reason.. it would've been better... rather than you putting your love down saying you loved me as a sister and that there's not much feeling left..... If there's not much feeling left, why would you react the way you react today? If you didn't love me or feel anything for me, you would've been able to be normal.....sigh...

Dear.... I love you a lot.... I still do...
I will always be here for you...