Day 69

Today has been a rather emotional day for me....
I heard you asked if I went out with my boyfriend yesterday as well as you met a pretty lawyer.. I guess I should congratulate you?
My feelings was very mixed today...
I wonder why would you make such a statement of me going out with my so called boyfriend... It feels like you are curious to know if I have a boyfriend now.. But the question is why would you want to know or care??
Yinli has been trying to arrange badminton sessions for this coming week but I heard that you've got plans on and that you can't make it.. But honestly, it's obvious that you're avoiding me... Just a week ago you told us to ask you to join for any hiking session as you're interested and a week later when we asked, you gave excuses to not go...
I'm pretty sure I'm not wrong that you're avoiding me... But I don't know the reason behind this...
You might have just decided to avoid me completely in order for us to really have a clean cut and that nothing is left in between us..

There are 3 things we've said we would do together but we will never have the opportunity to do it...
1. Kungfu Panda 3
2. Cameron Highland
3. Genting New Theme Park

There are a lot of guys who asked me out to watch Kungfu Panda 3 with them.. Of all the  movies, they wanted me to watch this with them.... But this is something we were supposed to do together so I refused to watch this movie with any of them... I didn't want to do something we were supposed to do with another guy, it's just wrong... So..
I went to watch Kungfu Panda 3 today with Sammy and her boyfriend...
The movie was really entertaining and funny but... As entertaining as it may be, I cried as I was watching it.....
I was laughing.. Then crying... And then laughing again.... And crying again.....
All that was on my mind was if you were here, it would've been perfect....
Some of the part in the movies which was really funny, I could picture in my mind the way you would laugh... The really happy kind of laugh from you..... It felt as though I could hear you laughing at the back of my mind.....

I know you think that Ive probably moved on with someone else or at least I've already moved on from our broken relarionship and from you...
But hey... Just look where I am now... Im stucked ......
I think about you every single day.. I think about our memories and times we shared every day...
Just how am I gonna move on as easy as you think it might be for me?
If only if moving on was something so easy, I would've been much happier now...

Few days ago I just realised that I have been suppressing my inner feelings about you and us...
In front of the whole world and especially in front of you, I appear to be very happy and cheerful.. But deep inside me, I am feeling empty..
I am...depressed but.. I'm managing it.....
Everytime when I'm around you or around our mutual friends, I'll appear to be super happy...
I'm not doing this to make you feel better but it's for me to feel better about myself...
It's easier to fake a smile then to answer questions from people to why I'm unhappy....
The moment I leave Homes or my friends, my facial expression would immediate change...
The emptiness in my heart will slowly creep in......

I wish you all the best in your dates or any new relarionship you're gonna be in....
But as for me, it's gonna take awhile more to grip hold of  myself and to be ready for another relationship...
I am afraid of loving again..... I am truly scared....
If loving someone is so painful,  I would rather not love anymore in the future....
But whatever it is, I'm gonna leave it to God ....
Hoping that God would guide us to wherever or whoever we should be for His glory and for the best of us.....

Just how long more before I can stop missing you....?