The fact is I have not and I don't know if I would ever recover....
When I was already recovering from the break up and from you blocking me on whatsapp... You decided to unblock me on Chinese New Year.. You whaysapp and Facebook messaged me.. I didn't respond because I wanted to keep a distance with you....
You know, that day when Michelle left to Australia, I was really sad... Guys who are hitting on me wanted to be there by my side to make sure I'm fine... But.. I didn't want any of them to ne there for me because all I ever wanted was you... It would be much easier for me to go through the sadness with those guys around... They would provide me the emotional support that I need to cope with the things that has happened but... All I wanted was you..... That night when Michelle left to Australia, I drove outside your house and parked at the same spot... I cried so badly in the car wanting to feel your arms around me again... I wanted you to be there and to provide me the emotional support that I need... Being outside your house somehow made me feel calm, I feel you near me.....
Just when I think I was coping well with our break up and that I could treat you like a friend... You initiated brunch and a board game session with me and Yinli .. I guess it's because you thought that I was going to leave to UK for my studies, so you wanted things to be more normal for us.. We went for lunch at Flingstones and you actually asked me on ways to date a girl out because you thought that girl who was working there was cute.... Don't you think its stupid to ask your ex girlfriend on ways to date another girl out? How insensitive can you be?! I was mad and angry because I still love you... It hurt me a lot..... I refused to answer you so you asked Yinli instead.. She told you on ways to find that girl through Instragram... You told me you were just joking about that girl but you eventually did take the effort to find her Instagram and follow her.. It certainly didn't seem like a joke to me...
That day you even interrogated me on my relationship with Samuel...
Why would you want to know? Is it important?
You keep telling me how happy you are for Samuel and I if we were together.. But do you know the way you said it sounded very bitter?
You even asked me if it was too fast for me to start dating again...
You wanted to give me a goodbye hug on that day but I told you not to touch me...
The fact is... I truly wanted to be in your arms again but I cant... It would just tear me down even more...
You said I am moving on well, but do you know how I am actually coping with this whole thing?
I break down very often, I think about you very often... And... You are all that's on my mind...
I will never wake up a day without thinking about you and I would never go to sleep a night without thinking of you....
I joined church choir because Yinli wanted to join and I was shocked when I was told that you were also joining...
That day when we had the choir practice, you wore the shirt I bought for you...
Why did you wear it in front of me??
It brought back a lot of memories.. I remembered how we exchanged our gifts and the look on your face, it was everything I would want to remember.....
After the practice you tried talking to me and you even tried to look at my phone; wanted to know who I was smsing... Why is it important??
Today we had our church anniversary and I thought I would be fine...
You looked great today but I just couldn't bring myself to compliment your appearance... But you came to me and said I look great....
While we were having our breakfast, we chatted for awhile about the board games you played yesterday.. And you asked me if hiking is my new hobby....
I just feel like you're still interested to know what's going on in my life and that you still care....
I don't know why I'm feeling so depressed now...
I don't know what I can do to recover and to heal from you ....
I just feel so overwhelmed now....
It feels really weird that we didn't have lunch together because back then we would.... It's an entirely different feeling....
I guess God wants me to be honest with my feeling that I was stirred by the word of Pastor Kenneth.. He said through Christ, all broken relationships and marriages can be reconciled... Then I asked myself if we could ever reconcile... I even cried at church today because I was just feeling so overwhelmed...
That is when I realised I was not being honest with myself about my feelings towards you....
Today I was finally honest with my own feelings about you and us...
I'm not over you and it would take a very long time for me to get over you...
I've had many relationships in the past but you are my first love... You are the first guy whom I truly loved....
I know to you right now, you think I've moved on from you and that I am probably dating Samuel.. But.... I'm not dating him... He's just trying to be there for me...
It's been two months since our break up and I still can't seem to move on from you....
There's only one thing that I know right now... Despite of how you've hurt me, you are still perfect in my eyes and I still love you with all my heart for who you are....
I think I need to be completely away from you...
Time to work on myself and to completely heal....
I hope I can control myself from wanting to see or text you....
I would skip church, homes and board games for the time being...
Whatever we may be in future, whether it's friends or lovers again...
We will need a clean break to start the foundation of friendship again.....
I need this........
I... Miss you..........
Pain
ReplyDeleteLet’s talk, you and me, let’s talk about pain. The room is empty as I wrote this; a lonely, albeit moonless night outside. Sometimes it was this dark lonely moment that our scars aches and pain occurs- whether it be from a body wound, or a scar from the dearly heart
But for now, it‘s on, and so let’s talk very honestly about pain. Let’s talk about the pain that will sometimes move us to the rim of madness...and perhaps over the edge
Still...let's talk about pain. We won't question who’s right and who’s wrong, we won’t questions what if; we'll talk rationally, you and I. We'll talk about the basic emotion that resides within every of us- PAIN, and how it unravel within us
I'm not “what I once” any more but ... I dislike romantic music; I detest the dark and the lonely time. Because if an ancient memories that were once sealed jogged to my mind and haunted me, I might scream. Yes, I might regret the mistakes I made, and perhaps hope for a time of redo the past. That sort of thing however doesn't happen, of course, and we all know that.
In the memories that might jog you from a dark night, you will encounter all manner of pains; a long lost love, undeniable mistakes, humiliation, rejection, all sorts of other terrors.
None of them are real.
The thing that threatens to inflict pain to me is not real, the long lost lover, and the regret of pasts are no longer there. I know that, and I also know that if I'm careful to avoid the ever-so romantic music, I will not feel pain
Pain is an emotion that makes us blind. It comes from all sort of things - the pointy edge of a needle, a hurtful comment of a by-passer, a rejection of the loved one, the denial of success.
For the pains that come to heart, we attempt to isolate it, denying it – it doesn’t exist – we question the reality of pain. That perhaps we are mistaken, and if there’s an anesthetic to the heart that we can apply, we will slowly drink it to our hear content, to deny the pain
And slowly the pain dawn to us, and we questioned why it was us that have to bear such pain - "Why it has to be me?”, “what have I done to deserve this?"; '"Who is to blame?"; And within the pain lies the anger on why such circumstances would have dawned.
The pained heart search for an attempt, a bargain to make things right, all to undo the pain – it bargains for chance to make it right. It hopes for the pain would be undone Plea, request, ultimately is ironically an-one sided one, because it would not be a bargain otherwise
Then the pain subsides into emptiness – an emptiness that does not seem to go away. It seeps deep in the every waking moment of your life. We walk & talk with the lingering emptiness that no one might see.
Pained heart and scars it might be, it will not last forever. Long and eternal the pain might be, it eventually subsides, to be a scar of the past. You see the reality of pain of what it really is - a long lost love, undeniable mistakes, humiliation, rejection, and while it looks really painful, you walk on, renewed with some scar lied in the corner.
Pain made us blind, yet the eye sees clearer upon each infliction. It saw the pointy needles that pokes the heart, and yet once a while a new scar will form, the eyes will fail to see an unexpected scar-end, and thus the heart has to once again go through a stage of denial, anger, bargaining and depression, but eventually the pain subside, because it’s never part of us – merely a process of life.
Where I am, it's still dark and raining. The pain might not be there, but pray not a dark night or a romantic jingle to trigger its ache again.
We've got a fine night for it. There's what I can show you, something I want you to understand. PAIN It's an emotion that we never wanted to be in, yet an emotion that we have to be through, for Cest La Vie. And so, let’s talk about pain