Day 56

I have stopped blocking for the past 22 days because I thought I have recovered ... 

The fact is I have not and I don't know if I would ever recover....

When I was already recovering from the break up and from you blocking me on whatsapp... You decided to unblock me on Chinese New Year.. You whaysapp and Facebook messaged me.. I didn't respond because I wanted to keep a distance with you.... 

You know, that day when Michelle left to Australia, I was really sad... Guys who are hitting on me wanted to be there by my side to make sure I'm fine... But.. I didn't want any of them to ne there for me because all I ever wanted was you... It would be much easier for me to go through the sadness with those guys around... They would provide me the emotional support that I need to cope with the things that has happened but... All I wanted was you..... That night when Michelle left to Australia, I drove outside your house and parked at the same spot... I cried so badly in the car wanting to feel your arms around me again... I wanted you to be there and to provide me the emotional support that I need... Being outside your house somehow made me feel calm, I feel you near me..... 

Just when I think I was coping well with our break up and that I could treat you like a friend... You initiated brunch and a board game session with me and Yinli .. I guess it's because you thought that I was going to leave to UK for my studies, so you wanted things to be more normal for us.. We went for lunch at Flingstones and you actually asked me on ways to date a girl out because you thought that girl who was working there was cute.... Don't you think its stupid to ask your ex girlfriend on ways to date another girl out? How insensitive can you be?! I was mad and angry because I still love you... It hurt me a lot..... I refused to answer you so you asked Yinli instead.. She told you on ways to find that girl through Instragram... You told me you were just joking about that girl but you eventually did take the effort to find her Instagram and follow her.. It certainly didn't seem like a joke to me... 

That day you even interrogated me on my relationship with Samuel...

Why would you want to know? Is it important? 

You keep telling me how happy you are for Samuel and I if we were together.. But do you know the way you said it sounded very bitter? 

You even asked me if it was too fast for me to start dating again...

You wanted to give me a goodbye hug on that day but I told you not to touch me...

The fact is... I truly wanted to be in your arms again but I cant... It would just tear me down even more...

You said I am moving on well, but do you know how I am actually coping with this whole thing? 

I break down very often, I think about you very often... And... You are all that's on my mind...

I will never wake up a day without thinking about you and I would never go to sleep a night without thinking of you.... 

I joined church choir because Yinli wanted to join and I was shocked when I was told that you were also joining...

That day when we had the choir practice, you wore the shirt I bought for you...

Why did you wear it in front of me?? 

It brought back a lot of memories.. I remembered how we exchanged our gifts and the look on your face, it was everything I would want to remember..... 

After the practice you tried talking to me and you even tried to look at my phone; wanted to know who I was smsing... Why is it important?? 

Today we had our church anniversary and I thought I would be fine...

You looked great today but I just couldn't bring myself to compliment your appearance... But you came to me and said I look great....

While we were having our breakfast, we chatted for awhile about the board games you played yesterday.. And you asked me if hiking is my new hobby.... 

I just feel like you're still interested to know what's going on in my life and that you still care.... 

I don't know why I'm feeling so depressed now...

I don't know what I can do to recover and to heal from you ....

I just feel so overwhelmed now.... 

It feels really weird that we didn't have lunch together because back then we would.... It's an entirely different feeling....

I guess God wants me to be honest with my feeling that I was stirred by the word of Pastor Kenneth.. He said through Christ, all broken relationships and marriages can be reconciled... Then I asked myself if we could ever reconcile... I even cried at church today because I was just feeling so overwhelmed... 

That is when I realised I was not being honest with myself about my feelings towards you....

Today I was finally honest with my own feelings about you and us... 

I'm not over you and it would take a very long time for me to get over you...

I've had many relationships in the past but you are my first love... You are the first guy whom I truly loved.... 

I know to you right now, you think I've moved on from you and that I am probably dating Samuel.. But.... I'm not dating him... He's just trying to be there for me... 

It's been two months since our break up and I still can't seem to move on from you.... 

There's only one thing that I know right now... Despite of how you've hurt me, you are still perfect in my eyes and I still love you with all my heart for who you are....

I think I need to be completely away from you...

Time to work on myself and to completely heal....

I hope I can control myself from wanting to see or text you....

I would skip church, homes and board games for the time being...

Whatever we may be in future, whether it's friends or lovers again...

We will need a clean break to start the foundation of friendship again.....

I need this........

I... Miss you..........

Day 34

I looked back at our photos today and surprisingly I didn't cry...
I think I'm starting to learn how to move on..
Moving on doesn't mean forgetting but it's just me choosing happiness over sadness for now....

I didn't do much today except going out for dinner with a guy..
Well, to me it was more of a friendly dinner outing and it's not a date to me...
Somehow, it still felt a little awkward...
I think I'm just not ready to be around any guys now because all I would be thinking is you...

I went for board games with Gareth's group today..
It was quite fun!! I played Spartacus...
They were all friendly and nice.....
I think I did okay for the game.... It would be so nice if I could share my gaming experience with you..
I used to play board games for you because I know how much you love and enjoy playing board game.. But know I olay it for myself because me myself is starting to love board games too...
It's not just the interaction and communication among friends but we could also relate board games to our real life.... I wished I could tell you how much I enjoy playing board games now....

Recently there were many prayer request on our homes group chat... The latest prayer request was for me...
If I were to compare your reply for the other homies prayer request, you empathize and you wrote a longer message... But when the request is for me is was short and simple or simply a thumbs up..
It got me thinking if you really hated me this much that replying a few additional words would be so difficult...
Maybe you just don't want to have anything to do with me anymore.....

I prayed to God today and I told God that I would submit or relationship to Him...
I prayed that whatever we may be in future would be for His glory and would be what He wants us to be....
I immediately felt a sense of relieved in me, like a burden lifted from my shoulder...
I'll move on for now and hope the best for us in future whether it's friends or something more......

Day 33

Today is the 4th day of me vomiting, it feels terrible.

I went to clinic wanting to see Dr Leong but she had patients waiting and I felt like vomiting, so I had to see you...

I think you were feeling awkward to see me and I guess I was also feeling the same.... I didn't even dare to look at you in the eye...

You told me that you will be giving me an injection and I gave you the horrified look.. You said I needed it and that it would be better than taking tablets..
Before you injected me, I was already scared... The moment you injected me and I gave that painful sound, I could see from the corner of my eyes that you looked at me...
Before I left your clinic, you told me to take care of myself..
It got me wondering if you do care about me still...
If I were to be admitted into hospital, would you come to visit me like I did for you back then?

I went to check what was wrong with me and doctor told me I have an ulcer in my stomach...
Maybe the gastritis I had long time ago developed into an ulcer...
If I don't take care of the ulcer and if it bleeds, it could be cancerous...
I'm actually scared and wondering where are you when I needed you most.....
And I realised things wouldn't be the same anymore, you're gone and never coming back to me....

What hurts the most was being being so close and having so much to say, watching you walk away..
Never knowing what could have been for us...
If only we could have fight harder for us, our relationship....
You seemed to have moved on miles away from our broken relationship with all your happy post in Facebook while I'm still stuck here...
All I hope is for us to be friends again, to be able to eat together and to play board games together...
Losing you as a friends was the most painful thing that could've ever happened....

I still think of you every now and then...
There's alot of happy memories ..
Sometimes too much that I can't deal with the pain.....
I just miss you a lot....

Day 31

It has been exactly one month since we broke up, I wonder how things are for you..
Things aren't too good for me in this past one month because too many things happened to me...
We broke up, I got abused and I lost you as a friend..
If only we could be friends again and I'll be really happy....

I've got gastritis and I've been vomiting for the past two days..
Somehow today I decided to read through our sms from the day I messaged you when I started working at HSBC...
After reading all the messages, I realized we texted most when we were good friends and our messages reduce as we went further into the relationship..
I would assume this happened because the longer we are in the relationship, the more commitment is required and it gives you stress....
As a bf you will feel obligated to care and support me but this indirectly gave you stress as well because you just don't know how to handle this relationship because of both our issues...
I have baggages from the past while you have issues that are affecting you in the present so it's hard to work things out...
The closer we got, the further you are from me...
The deeper and longer we got into our relationship, you were pulling yourself away from me..
I never realised this until I read back all our messages...
When we were friends, you will text me a lot...
There'll be lame jokes as well as caring about me...
While we were together, messages were reduced...
Thinking about it I'm quite stupid, if only I was a little more sensitive, I would've realised and talk to you about it... And I would probably be able to understand you more and the issue that is underlying in you....

After I saw a doctor today for some reason I drove to the train station and parked there..
I walked through the normal path we used to walked down together, reminiscing our times together...
I saw your car and walked to your car having a mixed feeling...
It used to be a very familiar car and all of a sudden it felt unfamiliar....
I looked at the passenger seat where I always seat and thought back about the times I sat there chatting with you...
I then walked towards the driver seat and touched the door handle, it felt like I was touching your hand...
It's ironic and stupid to say it felt like I was touching your hand.. But it did feel that way...
That's a handle you'll always touched...
I went back to my car and sat in the car crying...
I couldn't stopped thinking how in love we once were and we ended up like strangers now...
There's still a glimpse of hope in me for us to be together in future but I won't expect it to happen..
Maybe I still hope because our relationship didn't end on bad terms rather it had to end because of the issues we had to caused us to not being able to work on the feelings and our relationship....
I really hope we could start things off as friends again because I never want to lose you....

It's been one month apart, how are you feelings about this?
Do you still think of me, of us?
Do you still hope we could work things out in future?
Do you still have feelings for me?
Do you wonder how im doing?
People once told me that after being apart from one another.. You'll either realised that you really miss and love the person or you would realised that the person didn't matter at all because you don't feel a thing losing him/her.. Now that we're apart, what have you realised? Do you miss me or it's the other way where you realised I'm not that important after all?

I really wanted to wait for you to finish work and hug you...
I really feel like hugging you so badly but I know I can't and I shouldn't so I left....
I really miss you...
The withdrawal effect is really bad.....
It's been a month since I last felt you, last held your hand, last hugged you as a gf and last kissed you...
I just miss everything about you...
The good or the bad side of you, I accept it and I love you for who you are...
I love you just the way you are.......

Day 30

I can't believe I vomited 3 times in an hour today, it was really bad..
If we were still together, you would've texted me to asked how I was feeling...
It's been almost a month since we broke up and two weeks since you blocked me..
How are you getting on in your life?
My life has been dull without your lame jokes and activities with you...

People told me to move on that you are not worth my time and that you are a terrible guy..
The said the right thing for me to do is cutting you out completely and doing the things I should do to make myself happy... They said I shouldn't be sad over you and whatever im feeling now should be stopped....
Well, love is irrational...
A lot of the times we know what we should do or what should be done but we never make those choices simply because we are emotional with whatever that is happening..
We are only human, there's a limit to everything that we can handle and bear...
I know the right thing for me to do now is not talk to you, stop loving you and stop caring about whatever is happening or going to happen to you.... This are the rational things that I should be doing now..
But I can't help to feel sad because we are no longer together..
Everything that we've gone through, the memories we shared and the effort we put to nurture the relationship is all gone..
If we could go through all the issues together and not give up, we would have a very strong relationship..
I know what I should and shouldnt do but when you're in love, everything becomes irrational...
Some people would say when you're in a relationship, don't pour your heart out because if the relationship don't work out then you wouldn't be so hurt..
If you really love someone you won't bother about this because all you want is to pour your heart out loving the person the right way and wanting the person to be happy...
Sone people would do anything just to make the other party happy even if it means to hurt your ownselves.. They are not stupid, the are just irrationally, irrationally in love.

I'm deeply in love with you, no doubt to that..
I know how I should stop thinking of you and everything because it's for my own good, for me to move on easier..
I know I should stop caring about you because you don't need my care anymore..
I know I should stop missing you because missing you makes things harder for me..
I know I should stop loving you because loving you right now hurts me..
To let go and not love someone whom you truly love is nearly impossible..
It takes a period of time to adjust and to slowly let the feelings fade....
I know all the right things that I should be doing now but I'm just so emotional over everything that has happened that I can't bring myself doing all the rational things..
All the feelings in feeling and all the things I'm doing is irrational ..
Love is irrational...
Love is a mixture of different emotions going up and down like a roller coaster..
It's fun, exciting, happy but it can also be scary...

You know, I do wonder if I would ever receive a text message from you ever again...
I really miss you a lot....
I don't need  much from you, all I needed was to be in your arms...
The greatest gift you've even given me was the 134 days of your life... The time we spent, the memories we build and the love me once had for each other..
Nothing is going to take that away...
After all the ups and downs and how you hurt me.. Didn't thought I would say this again but...
Panda, I Lava You....

Doraemon misses Panda a lot... She wants to hug him so tightly and giving him a kiss on his cheeks...
Doraemon lava Panda...
Huggles....

Day 29

I played 7 Wonders many times today at Port Dickson and I honestly never got bored or  tired of it...
It was really fun as I kept building my science building and no one stopped me! I got 38 points just from science.. I was very excited! If we were still together I would've send you the photo of my wonder, you'll be so proud of me!!
Any board games that I play reminds me of you, like literally anything....

Everything about us felt so different now.. We can't even talk or say hi in a proper manner, it's really hard to get used to it..
We used to be able to talk a lot even as friends....
But now.. We can't talk or do anything.......
I really miss you......

Sam and the guy got together already, I'm very happy for her but I'm emo-ing...
If we were still together, we could've gone out together, just the 4 of us...
We coudive gone on couple trips just us...
We could've acheieved many many things... But unfortunately everything had to come to an end....

I started thinking how other couples have much more serious issues but is willing to work it out and fight for the relationship.... But for us.. We just had to stop because you didn't want it anymore...
Why is it so hard to fight for me? For us?
Back then we still had feelings for each other, we could've work on our feelings and on the relarionship... But you didn't want because you were emotionally drained and tired... You didn't have the commitment to work issues out between us... Every issue that came in between us became a reason for you to leave me because all you thought was how different you and I are both wired...
In general, girls and guys and wired differently in their thinking and perception.. It's how we compromise and overcome the differences... It requires effort and commitment....
If only we could've done more for our relationship, we might still be together now....

I'm leaving soon.. How would things be for us??
Will there be a U-turn for us in future??
If we were meant to be together and if I chose to leave, would it be like what WF said that nothing would happen within the period that I'm away? Or I would've killed all hopes?
Are we ever meant to be together??
Sigh , only God knows the answer.....

I just have a feeling that I'll always love you in a special way even after moving on..
I don't know how to explain it...
I believe that if we are meant to be together,  God will preserve our feelings in us...
And if we're not... Maybe someone better is waiting for us out there...
I'm learning to obey and honour God in everything that I do...
When I place God first, everything else including us will fall into place..
Whether we will be strangers, friends, best friends or lovers  will be in God's favor and for the glory of Him......

I'm learning how to take one step at a time and to slowly recover from the pain in me..
Every little step that I take will be a progress as long as I'm moving forward, right?