Day 28

There are people telling me that you've not been attending the 8am service and I've not been seeing you at the 4pm service, I guess you probably changed church or visited your friends church.
Sigh... I won't be seeing you anymore until maybe years later...
I'll always miss you..

During the prayer time at church today Wenni cried while she was praying for me and I cried too..
I don't know how to describe the feeling, it was just a very sad feeling..
I left church early to Port Dickson today and during the journey I was thinking of you..
I remembered how you told me you wanted to go on a road trip with me and just the both of us after our two weeks timeout.. Sadly, it never happened and it will not happen..
Everything I did reminded me of you...
I took a walk on the beach and thought how romantic and sweet it'll be if we could stroll down the beach hands in hands together...
The pain of losing you and losing us is still very real.....
I really don't know how am I gonna stop loving you...

Everytime when I think of you and us, my heart aches..
I really love you and nothing will change that....
Even if I've moved on with someone else in future, you will always have a special place in my heart....
There are a lot of happy times in our relationship... There's a lot to remember and a lot to cherish..

You know, I wished we were still together even though I know it's not possible...
I wished you were still my little panda..........

Day 27

The big day has finally arrived, my farewell...
Wow... It was a really scary day for me.....
As I was driving to Taipan today, I was feeling very anxious.. There was mixed emotions in me, I was feeling happy, sad and anxious...
I didn't know how I would react seeing you because I just don't know how or what I'm feeling anymore.. It's just so weird to me that you're blocking me on whatsapp but you're coming for my farewell.. It doesn't make sense.
When I saw you walking in, I went to the toilet and looked myself in the mirror..
I told myself "Nicole, you can do this.. You won't question him anything and you will just enjoy the brunch"..
Then when I walked back out to seat, you said hi to me...
As we were eating and talking, you were trying to talk to me..
I didn't understand why you would talk to me..
We talked a little bit here and there and that's about it....
Things were very different for ne because I couldn't talk to you like how I used to anymore, not even as friends..

We parked our car at the same carpark and when we were at the carpark, I couldn't find my car and told you and WF to leave first.. You said it's okay and that you will help me to find my car... It felt weird because it's not your obligation to make sure I find my car.. I don't mean that you are caring about me in a special way but any friends would probably help me to find my car.. It's just that to me, we are no longer friends...
When I found my car I looked at the both of you and said " See you when I see you"..
You told me you were going to Meeples, I was like... Felling a bit weird..
You knew that I was going to Meeples to play my tournament but you still chose to go Meeples to get your gnes while I'm there...
I mean you blocking me on whatsapp basically means you want no communication, so why are you buying the game knowing I'm there.. It just feels strange..
After registering myself at Meeples, I went down wanting to buy water and I saw WF in the car...
I talked to WF a bit and he just said he thinks I collected myself very well.. I told him how I hated myself back then for simply lashing out at people and that's when I told myself this isn't my normal self and that I will collect the pieces of me back...

I'm just happy that I didn't go crazy bombarding you with questions..
I felt like I handled the situation well and I guess that's what matters....

Sigh I almost won 7 wonders tournament!!!! I did badly in the last round...
If I did okay in the last round I would be top 3 instead of top 4...
Oh well, I just have to accept it.......
I texted the Farewell group saying I got 4th place and that I didnt win.. I didn't exoect you to reply saying I did well since I got 4th place out of 13 people...
I didn't know what to reply so I ignored the message....

Today a guy hugged me and I literally stoned..
I don't think I'm ready for any of this at the moment...
I'm not close with that guy so when he hugged me and it felt weird...
I'm having this withdrawal effect from you so being hugged by a guy would ease my withdrawal effect.. It did ease my pain but it felt weird... He just hugged me and I just stoned without hugging him in return...
I've been distancing myself with guys around me because I just didn't want to be like how I used to be.. I didn't want to use other guys that was hitting on me to get over the broken relationship.. Sure it would help ease my pain but that isn't the right way... It really isn't...
I think I'm old and mature enough to handle the pain that's in me without relying and using other guys to help me ease the pain..
I'm not going to date until I've gotten over you and that I've recovered......
I don't mind meeting new guy friends and be friends but nothing more than that for now and I'll just see where things lead me to after I can finally date again....

Day 26

I guess you didn't go to work today as I didn't see your car at the train station and you posted a sick status on Facebook.

If we were still together, I would've gone over to visit you after work..

If we were still together I'll be texting you to ask if you were okay.. 

If we were still together, I would be showering you with lots of care and love....
I hope you are feeling better and not being super sick..
You seldom get sick but once you're sick, you're really sick..
I'm just worried about you...

I am going through a period of withdrawal effects.. 

The withdrawal of not being able to hug you and to be hugged in return...

You are a very huggy person, you hugged me a lot back then..

Whether it's on our date, special occasions on even after lunch at work, you would hug me...

Now that I'm not being able to hug and be hugged, it just feel weird...

I feel like I have the need hug and be hugged, it's a very strong feeling..

But that's something you can't offer me anymore..

I can find some other guys to give me a platonic hug but it just wouldn't be right because I'd feel terrible for using them to give me something to make me feel better, something that would ease my pain of withdrawal effects..

All I can do to help myself with the withdrawal effects is to hug my girl friends but it definitely wouldn't be the same as me being hugged by you... 

Whenever you hug me, there's a certain way of you holding me in your arms and how you would brush my hair to one side..

It will never be the same hugging or being hug by other people because you're just so very special... 

It's really hard to get through this period because it just makes ne long for your touch and hug...

All I want is to be able to hold your hands, to hug you from behind and to kiss you... But I can't anymore.....

It's really tough....
I do wonder if you would feel the same withdrawal effects that I'm feeling...
Or... You probably didn't have such withdrawal effects...sigh.............

Day 25

I was feeling much better today, I didn't feel so much anger and hatred in me. All those negative feelings was slowly subsiding and I could tell that I was recovering....
All that was on my mind today was how have you been and how are you doing.
I still care for you a lot and I really do hope that you are doing fine...
I really miss you....

I still do wonder if you miss me... Or if you still had feelings for me...
Many people told me that even if you still love me, you wouldn't know because you're confused and that you wouldn't want to know because you just want to escape..
I really... Don't know...
It's rather an emotional day today cause all that I had on my mind was you and only you....

I just.... Miss you a lot....

Day 24

I didn't sleep too well last night too..
I'm on leave today but I couldn't sleep pass 8am..

I went to see the counselor today at 4pm and I was really anxious and nervous. It reminded me of the time I had depression and had to see a psychiatrist. It wasn't a very pleasant feeling but I guess I really needed help to make sure I do not fall into the pit again.
She was a very nice lady and she told me somehow she sense a strength in me that would pull me through this. I guess I got the strength from my mum; her strength has rubbed into me and that made me who I am today.
The counselor asked me a question which I didn't know how to answer. She asked me where did I get the courage to talk to you normally when I met you in the hospital the other day. I paused and thought for a bit and I really didn't know where I got the courage from.
Thinking back about how you hurt me but I could still pull myself to talk to you normally, I then realized I am strong.
You are a guy whom I truly loved.. Recalling the issues and incidents that took place in between us was heart breaking..

1) You wanted a two weeks timeout and told me you were leaning towards being friends when I was having depression.
2) We got back together and you told me you are more sure than ever that you do indeed love and sayang me.
3) You were admitted into the hospital and I spent my holidays with you, taking care of you. It didn't feel tiring at all, in fact it felt great because I was part of your tough journey.
4) You broke up with me stating that you didn't really love me and I later found out you had deeper issues in you such as your commitment issue.
5) We managed to become friends after the break up and things were getting better as I became emotionally stable.
6) My crazy ex did all those crazy stuff that made me felt terrible about myself ..
7) You couldn't stand what was going on and for your own safety, you decided to leave me there and then.
8) You completely cut me off your life and left me feeling devastated and lost again. Before I could grip hold of myself after what my ex did, you rejected me as a friend and I fell into a deeper hole which I don't see any way to get out of it.

The counselor told me that she can see how much I love you and how all these incidents can affect me so badly.. She commented that despite of how you hurt me and disappoint me, I could still talk to you like normal and that requires a lot of courage and strength. If it was other girls, they would have just ignore or just leave but I somehow managed to talk to you like normal. Thinking back I really didn't know how I did it. Given the circumstances now, I don't think I'll be able to do it when I see you on Saturday.
Now that I'm a little more calm and when I think of what has happened in this short span of time, how I was hurt; how I was emotional; how I was rejected; how my love was not reciprocated, I thought that I am amazing. I had this thiugh because in spite of how badly you've hurt me, I still loved you and I still do..
No matter how I wasn't treated the way I was deserved to be treated or how tough you made it for me to love you, I never left you and I still chose to stand by your side..
There are people asking me, if you didn't love me then why didn't you tell me that when I was taking care of you in the hospital. At least if you told me then, I wouldn't need to waste my time taking care of you and that I could enjoy my holidays doing something else. Well, I told them I don't know and maybe you just cant measure things this way. When I look back now, I still don't think I've wasted my time taking care of you. In fact, I'm happy that I was part of your life during your difficult moments and that I thank God for allowing me to be there for you, to show how much I loved and cared for you. I was grateful that I was able to support you and to shower you with unconditional love during that moment.
Some people thinks I'm stupid for thinking this way because they feel that I should be loved the way I loved you.. Well, I have an entirely different thought from them. I think it's sweet to love and be loved in return but a lot of the times we just can't control what the other person would do for us or how the other person thinks. All I can do is to play my role and my part well so I have no regrets. Happiness does not necessarily come from being loved in return, it can come in many different ways. For instance, I think being able to love someone is a form of happiness. When you truly love someone, you won't measure who love who more or who sacrificed for who more. You'll just be too busy learning how to love that one person the right way and to make that person happy. All that would matter is the well-being and happiness of the other party. Sometimes even if it hurts or if it's tough to love the person, you'll still want to storm through the obstacles just for that very person because he/she is just so very special. When you are truly in love, you will not measure love in any ways and all you would want to do is to love the person unconditionally. It might sound dumb but being able to love someone unconditionally is also a form of happiness that you can give part of yourself to that very person.
You are just so special to me that whatever I've done for you didn't seem like a sacrifice to me.. How you always say about me loving you more or how much I did for you, it actually really isn't anything..
Being able to love someone is happy and being loved in return is a blessing.. I wasn't lucky enough to be blessed to be loved in return but whatever I've done for you made me happy.. Loving you made me happy, caring for you made me happy, supporting you made me happy and never giving up on you no matter how bad the circumstances may be made me happy....

I guess after today's counseling session, I realized I really do love you a whole lot.
It hurts to love someone and be hurt in return but I'm happy that I experienced this..
I'm not saying this as a sarcasm but because I never knew I could actually love someone so much. I've never loved anyone the way I loved you. I never knew I could do so much for a person and that I could go all out even if it means hurting myself..  I never knew loving someone requires so much of effort and hard work and all these while I've been learning how to love you the right way and it just feels great..

A lot of people said that I was amazing for loving someone so much without expecting anything in return... And someone people said you are selfish because all you cared about was yourself.. You cared about your feelings, you wanted to do things at your own pace and that you made major decisions for us based on what you think its the best for us.. It's all about what you fee or how you think things should be for us but you never discussed with me. All you did was informing me on all your major decisions such as the break up and cutting me off completely... You told me what you wanted but there were no discussion made..
Maybe there's just a lot of growing for the both of us.....

The counselor thought I was very mature and sensible for my age..
Good or bad, I don't know..
But I guess I am feeling better now.....

Day 23

I couldn't sleep the whole night last night, I guess I was subconsciously thinking of you.
I went to work today feeling lousy and very emotional..
I just feel a little off today and I decided to see Dr Leong and asked if I needed to see a psychologist. Well, she said she thinks I'm coping well with all that has happened and that im not going crazy because I can still rationalize. Good or bad, I don't know.
I think you wanted to find Dr Leong and peeked into the room, you probably saw me. As I was collecting my medicine, you came back from the washroom and rushed into the room. It got me thinking if you saw me and wanted to avoid me again.
For some reason I'm feeling a lot of anger and hatred in me recently..
The anger in me is building as day passes.
I didn't realize how lousy I was feeling that everything reflected on my face.
My student mum told me " Teacher Nicole, I've not seen you so stress before over the 4 years period that I've known you". It got me shocked wondering how terrible I really looked. At office today, many people asked me if I'm okay.. I tried to keep calm and answer politely that I'm fine but I guess it wasn't convincing enough that they asked me a couple more times. I exploded and erupted like a volcano at office. I've not been like this before, this just isn't me. At times I might be cold and icy but there are a lot of the times I would laugh hysterically.. I guess over all the incidents, I've started to lose the happy part of me, the crazy and bubbly part of me.
I felt really bad lashing out at people but I didn't understand why I was doing that..
Michelle told me it's because I've stopped crying that there are no ways to release the emotions in me that I start lashing out at people.
I just don't feel like myself anymore, I can't even grip hold of myself.
I decided to take leave tomorrow and be away from everyone so that I won't be lashing out at innocent people and that I have the time to visit a counsellor.
I think I need to see a counsellor for help because all that I'm feeling is anger, frustration, agitation and hatred in me. This negative feelings in me are really strong. Even when one of my ex cheated on me back then, I didn't feel  so much anger in me. Somehow, I don't know why this time I'm just feeling so much anger and hatred.
Besides all the anger and hatred in me, I also have panic attacks.
When I thought about you or about us, I get a panic attack. My hands start trembling, heart starts pounding and I just feel like I can't breathe. I never thought I would be so badly affected by you and your actions. It's not your fault, it's mine because my coping mechanism isn't good.

Whatever that I'm going thorough now or whatever I'm feeling now is definitely worse compared to the time when I was going through our break up. I guess there's just too much for me to cope with. After our break up, I managed to grip myself again and I was recovering.. Then my crazy ex hurt me and I went down again but before I could grip myself you cut me off from your life and I fell deeper again.. There's not enough time for me to recover and to cope from all this ordeal that has taken place.
I don't understand how can a normal guy friend of mine be there for me throughout my ups and downs, tried supporting me through our break up which I pushed him away after because I didn't want to rebound. No matter how much I pushed him away, or how I made it so hard for him to be there for me, he never left my side supporting me. I didn't allow him to stand by me to support me so he supported me from far through small actions. He was just a friend or maybe a guy whom likes me. But.. You were the guy who shared 4 and a half months of my life; who shared memories with me; who once said you loved me; who told me how much you cared about me.. But you just left there and then for whatever reasons. I can't brain this.

You told your friends you are drawing a line because of safety reasons. Well, I don't see how the reason is valid anymore because everything has been solved. Are you trying to psycho yourself to make yourself feel better? I guess no one would know but you and God. Carol told me she don't think you don't want to talk to me anymore or don't want to be friends anymore that what you're doing now is just temporary. She said you told them that you called me before blocking me off. Yes, you did call me to tell me that you will not be talking to me for a time being but you did not say that you were going to block me on whatsapp. It's 2 different things and it carries different message. You can stop talking to me by not replying my messages that night or just ignore me completely and I'll get the message. By you blocking me on whatsapp literally means you want me out of your life, that's the indirect message you're sending.
I guess women solve issues by addressing the issues, trying to fix or mend things back and then give up.. On the other hand, man tend to brush the issues aside and let it subside and forget about it.. I don't know anymore..
Carol told me when I go to Uk, I'll probably meet some hot guys and end up marrying them. I certainly hope so...

Whatever it is, I'm going to find myself back and grip onto myself again..
I'll be a better version of what I was and grow as a person...
I can't continue to let myself sink in despair..
I can't continue to lash out on innocent people...
I can't stand myself now..
I can't stand the Nicole now... The Nicole who is so filled with negative feelings that she's just so volatile and emotional now.. It's just not me...
Hopefully after seeing a counsellor tomorrow, things can take a turn..

Day 22

Three words that summarizes my day:

ANGER
DISAPPOINTMENT
HATRED