Day 34

I looked back at our photos today and surprisingly I didn't cry...
I think I'm starting to learn how to move on..
Moving on doesn't mean forgetting but it's just me choosing happiness over sadness for now....

I didn't do much today except going out for dinner with a guy..
Well, to me it was more of a friendly dinner outing and it's not a date to me...
Somehow, it still felt a little awkward...
I think I'm just not ready to be around any guys now because all I would be thinking is you...

I went for board games with Gareth's group today..
It was quite fun!! I played Spartacus...
They were all friendly and nice.....
I think I did okay for the game.... It would be so nice if I could share my gaming experience with you..
I used to play board games for you because I know how much you love and enjoy playing board game.. But know I olay it for myself because me myself is starting to love board games too...
It's not just the interaction and communication among friends but we could also relate board games to our real life.... I wished I could tell you how much I enjoy playing board games now....

Recently there were many prayer request on our homes group chat... The latest prayer request was for me...
If I were to compare your reply for the other homies prayer request, you empathize and you wrote a longer message... But when the request is for me is was short and simple or simply a thumbs up..
It got me thinking if you really hated me this much that replying a few additional words would be so difficult...
Maybe you just don't want to have anything to do with me anymore.....

I prayed to God today and I told God that I would submit or relationship to Him...
I prayed that whatever we may be in future would be for His glory and would be what He wants us to be....
I immediately felt a sense of relieved in me, like a burden lifted from my shoulder...
I'll move on for now and hope the best for us in future whether it's friends or something more......

Day 33

Today is the 4th day of me vomiting, it feels terrible.

I went to clinic wanting to see Dr Leong but she had patients waiting and I felt like vomiting, so I had to see you...

I think you were feeling awkward to see me and I guess I was also feeling the same.... I didn't even dare to look at you in the eye...

You told me that you will be giving me an injection and I gave you the horrified look.. You said I needed it and that it would be better than taking tablets..
Before you injected me, I was already scared... The moment you injected me and I gave that painful sound, I could see from the corner of my eyes that you looked at me...
Before I left your clinic, you told me to take care of myself..
It got me wondering if you do care about me still...
If I were to be admitted into hospital, would you come to visit me like I did for you back then?

I went to check what was wrong with me and doctor told me I have an ulcer in my stomach...
Maybe the gastritis I had long time ago developed into an ulcer...
If I don't take care of the ulcer and if it bleeds, it could be cancerous...
I'm actually scared and wondering where are you when I needed you most.....
And I realised things wouldn't be the same anymore, you're gone and never coming back to me....

What hurts the most was being being so close and having so much to say, watching you walk away..
Never knowing what could have been for us...
If only we could have fight harder for us, our relationship....
You seemed to have moved on miles away from our broken relationship with all your happy post in Facebook while I'm still stuck here...
All I hope is for us to be friends again, to be able to eat together and to play board games together...
Losing you as a friends was the most painful thing that could've ever happened....

I still think of you every now and then...
There's alot of happy memories ..
Sometimes too much that I can't deal with the pain.....
I just miss you a lot....

Day 31

It has been exactly one month since we broke up, I wonder how things are for you..
Things aren't too good for me in this past one month because too many things happened to me...
We broke up, I got abused and I lost you as a friend..
If only we could be friends again and I'll be really happy....

I've got gastritis and I've been vomiting for the past two days..
Somehow today I decided to read through our sms from the day I messaged you when I started working at HSBC...
After reading all the messages, I realized we texted most when we were good friends and our messages reduce as we went further into the relationship..
I would assume this happened because the longer we are in the relationship, the more commitment is required and it gives you stress....
As a bf you will feel obligated to care and support me but this indirectly gave you stress as well because you just don't know how to handle this relationship because of both our issues...
I have baggages from the past while you have issues that are affecting you in the present so it's hard to work things out...
The closer we got, the further you are from me...
The deeper and longer we got into our relationship, you were pulling yourself away from me..
I never realised this until I read back all our messages...
When we were friends, you will text me a lot...
There'll be lame jokes as well as caring about me...
While we were together, messages were reduced...
Thinking about it I'm quite stupid, if only I was a little more sensitive, I would've realised and talk to you about it... And I would probably be able to understand you more and the issue that is underlying in you....

After I saw a doctor today for some reason I drove to the train station and parked there..
I walked through the normal path we used to walked down together, reminiscing our times together...
I saw your car and walked to your car having a mixed feeling...
It used to be a very familiar car and all of a sudden it felt unfamiliar....
I looked at the passenger seat where I always seat and thought back about the times I sat there chatting with you...
I then walked towards the driver seat and touched the door handle, it felt like I was touching your hand...
It's ironic and stupid to say it felt like I was touching your hand.. But it did feel that way...
That's a handle you'll always touched...
I went back to my car and sat in the car crying...
I couldn't stopped thinking how in love we once were and we ended up like strangers now...
There's still a glimpse of hope in me for us to be together in future but I won't expect it to happen..
Maybe I still hope because our relationship didn't end on bad terms rather it had to end because of the issues we had to caused us to not being able to work on the feelings and our relationship....
I really hope we could start things off as friends again because I never want to lose you....

It's been one month apart, how are you feelings about this?
Do you still think of me, of us?
Do you still hope we could work things out in future?
Do you still have feelings for me?
Do you wonder how im doing?
People once told me that after being apart from one another.. You'll either realised that you really miss and love the person or you would realised that the person didn't matter at all because you don't feel a thing losing him/her.. Now that we're apart, what have you realised? Do you miss me or it's the other way where you realised I'm not that important after all?

I really wanted to wait for you to finish work and hug you...
I really feel like hugging you so badly but I know I can't and I shouldn't so I left....
I really miss you...
The withdrawal effect is really bad.....
It's been a month since I last felt you, last held your hand, last hugged you as a gf and last kissed you...
I just miss everything about you...
The good or the bad side of you, I accept it and I love you for who you are...
I love you just the way you are.......

Day 30

I can't believe I vomited 3 times in an hour today, it was really bad..
If we were still together, you would've texted me to asked how I was feeling...
It's been almost a month since we broke up and two weeks since you blocked me..
How are you getting on in your life?
My life has been dull without your lame jokes and activities with you...

People told me to move on that you are not worth my time and that you are a terrible guy..
The said the right thing for me to do is cutting you out completely and doing the things I should do to make myself happy... They said I shouldn't be sad over you and whatever im feeling now should be stopped....
Well, love is irrational...
A lot of the times we know what we should do or what should be done but we never make those choices simply because we are emotional with whatever that is happening..
We are only human, there's a limit to everything that we can handle and bear...
I know the right thing for me to do now is not talk to you, stop loving you and stop caring about whatever is happening or going to happen to you.... This are the rational things that I should be doing now..
But I can't help to feel sad because we are no longer together..
Everything that we've gone through, the memories we shared and the effort we put to nurture the relationship is all gone..
If we could go through all the issues together and not give up, we would have a very strong relationship..
I know what I should and shouldnt do but when you're in love, everything becomes irrational...
Some people would say when you're in a relationship, don't pour your heart out because if the relationship don't work out then you wouldn't be so hurt..
If you really love someone you won't bother about this because all you want is to pour your heart out loving the person the right way and wanting the person to be happy...
Sone people would do anything just to make the other party happy even if it means to hurt your ownselves.. They are not stupid, the are just irrationally, irrationally in love.

I'm deeply in love with you, no doubt to that..
I know how I should stop thinking of you and everything because it's for my own good, for me to move on easier..
I know I should stop caring about you because you don't need my care anymore..
I know I should stop missing you because missing you makes things harder for me..
I know I should stop loving you because loving you right now hurts me..
To let go and not love someone whom you truly love is nearly impossible..
It takes a period of time to adjust and to slowly let the feelings fade....
I know all the right things that I should be doing now but I'm just so emotional over everything that has happened that I can't bring myself doing all the rational things..
All the feelings in feeling and all the things I'm doing is irrational ..
Love is irrational...
Love is a mixture of different emotions going up and down like a roller coaster..
It's fun, exciting, happy but it can also be scary...

You know, I do wonder if I would ever receive a text message from you ever again...
I really miss you a lot....
I don't need  much from you, all I needed was to be in your arms...
The greatest gift you've even given me was the 134 days of your life... The time we spent, the memories we build and the love me once had for each other..
Nothing is going to take that away...
After all the ups and downs and how you hurt me.. Didn't thought I would say this again but...
Panda, I Lava You....

Doraemon misses Panda a lot... She wants to hug him so tightly and giving him a kiss on his cheeks...
Doraemon lava Panda...
Huggles....

Day 29

I played 7 Wonders many times today at Port Dickson and I honestly never got bored or  tired of it...
It was really fun as I kept building my science building and no one stopped me! I got 38 points just from science.. I was very excited! If we were still together I would've send you the photo of my wonder, you'll be so proud of me!!
Any board games that I play reminds me of you, like literally anything....

Everything about us felt so different now.. We can't even talk or say hi in a proper manner, it's really hard to get used to it..
We used to be able to talk a lot even as friends....
But now.. We can't talk or do anything.......
I really miss you......

Sam and the guy got together already, I'm very happy for her but I'm emo-ing...
If we were still together, we could've gone out together, just the 4 of us...
We coudive gone on couple trips just us...
We could've acheieved many many things... But unfortunately everything had to come to an end....

I started thinking how other couples have much more serious issues but is willing to work it out and fight for the relationship.... But for us.. We just had to stop because you didn't want it anymore...
Why is it so hard to fight for me? For us?
Back then we still had feelings for each other, we could've work on our feelings and on the relarionship... But you didn't want because you were emotionally drained and tired... You didn't have the commitment to work issues out between us... Every issue that came in between us became a reason for you to leave me because all you thought was how different you and I are both wired...
In general, girls and guys and wired differently in their thinking and perception.. It's how we compromise and overcome the differences... It requires effort and commitment....
If only we could've done more for our relationship, we might still be together now....

I'm leaving soon.. How would things be for us??
Will there be a U-turn for us in future??
If we were meant to be together and if I chose to leave, would it be like what WF said that nothing would happen within the period that I'm away? Or I would've killed all hopes?
Are we ever meant to be together??
Sigh , only God knows the answer.....

I just have a feeling that I'll always love you in a special way even after moving on..
I don't know how to explain it...
I believe that if we are meant to be together,  God will preserve our feelings in us...
And if we're not... Maybe someone better is waiting for us out there...
I'm learning to obey and honour God in everything that I do...
When I place God first, everything else including us will fall into place..
Whether we will be strangers, friends, best friends or lovers  will be in God's favor and for the glory of Him......

I'm learning how to take one step at a time and to slowly recover from the pain in me..
Every little step that I take will be a progress as long as I'm moving forward, right?

Day 28

There are people telling me that you've not been attending the 8am service and I've not been seeing you at the 4pm service, I guess you probably changed church or visited your friends church.
Sigh... I won't be seeing you anymore until maybe years later...
I'll always miss you..

During the prayer time at church today Wenni cried while she was praying for me and I cried too..
I don't know how to describe the feeling, it was just a very sad feeling..
I left church early to Port Dickson today and during the journey I was thinking of you..
I remembered how you told me you wanted to go on a road trip with me and just the both of us after our two weeks timeout.. Sadly, it never happened and it will not happen..
Everything I did reminded me of you...
I took a walk on the beach and thought how romantic and sweet it'll be if we could stroll down the beach hands in hands together...
The pain of losing you and losing us is still very real.....
I really don't know how am I gonna stop loving you...

Everytime when I think of you and us, my heart aches..
I really love you and nothing will change that....
Even if I've moved on with someone else in future, you will always have a special place in my heart....
There are a lot of happy times in our relationship... There's a lot to remember and a lot to cherish..

You know, I wished we were still together even though I know it's not possible...
I wished you were still my little panda..........

Day 27

The big day has finally arrived, my farewell...
Wow... It was a really scary day for me.....
As I was driving to Taipan today, I was feeling very anxious.. There was mixed emotions in me, I was feeling happy, sad and anxious...
I didn't know how I would react seeing you because I just don't know how or what I'm feeling anymore.. It's just so weird to me that you're blocking me on whatsapp but you're coming for my farewell.. It doesn't make sense.
When I saw you walking in, I went to the toilet and looked myself in the mirror..
I told myself "Nicole, you can do this.. You won't question him anything and you will just enjoy the brunch"..
Then when I walked back out to seat, you said hi to me...
As we were eating and talking, you were trying to talk to me..
I didn't understand why you would talk to me..
We talked a little bit here and there and that's about it....
Things were very different for ne because I couldn't talk to you like how I used to anymore, not even as friends..

We parked our car at the same carpark and when we were at the carpark, I couldn't find my car and told you and WF to leave first.. You said it's okay and that you will help me to find my car... It felt weird because it's not your obligation to make sure I find my car.. I don't mean that you are caring about me in a special way but any friends would probably help me to find my car.. It's just that to me, we are no longer friends...
When I found my car I looked at the both of you and said " See you when I see you"..
You told me you were going to Meeples, I was like... Felling a bit weird..
You knew that I was going to Meeples to play my tournament but you still chose to go Meeples to get your gnes while I'm there...
I mean you blocking me on whatsapp basically means you want no communication, so why are you buying the game knowing I'm there.. It just feels strange..
After registering myself at Meeples, I went down wanting to buy water and I saw WF in the car...
I talked to WF a bit and he just said he thinks I collected myself very well.. I told him how I hated myself back then for simply lashing out at people and that's when I told myself this isn't my normal self and that I will collect the pieces of me back...

I'm just happy that I didn't go crazy bombarding you with questions..
I felt like I handled the situation well and I guess that's what matters....

Sigh I almost won 7 wonders tournament!!!! I did badly in the last round...
If I did okay in the last round I would be top 3 instead of top 4...
Oh well, I just have to accept it.......
I texted the Farewell group saying I got 4th place and that I didnt win.. I didn't exoect you to reply saying I did well since I got 4th place out of 13 people...
I didn't know what to reply so I ignored the message....

Today a guy hugged me and I literally stoned..
I don't think I'm ready for any of this at the moment...
I'm not close with that guy so when he hugged me and it felt weird...
I'm having this withdrawal effect from you so being hugged by a guy would ease my withdrawal effect.. It did ease my pain but it felt weird... He just hugged me and I just stoned without hugging him in return...
I've been distancing myself with guys around me because I just didn't want to be like how I used to be.. I didn't want to use other guys that was hitting on me to get over the broken relationship.. Sure it would help ease my pain but that isn't the right way... It really isn't...
I think I'm old and mature enough to handle the pain that's in me without relying and using other guys to help me ease the pain..
I'm not going to date until I've gotten over you and that I've recovered......
I don't mind meeting new guy friends and be friends but nothing more than that for now and I'll just see where things lead me to after I can finally date again....