Day 87

I've been sick for the past three weeks but it's just getting worse now..
I feel so weak, miserable and emotional.....
I told myself to be strong and happy because I deserved to..
I told myself you were not worth my time and love because you were simply never into me ..if you were, you wouldn't have let me go...
It's like if I were to question myself and ask if I would ever want to leave you back then... I don't even have to think to answer that question because I knew how I truly loved you and living my life without you will be the last thing I ever wanna do... No matter how hard the situation may be, I will still hold on to you because I love you enough to not let you slipped away...
You on the other hand just  chose to leave me for whatever reason it is.. But one thing sure is, you were never into me if you were you wouldn't have let me go...
I'm crying as im typing this simply because I'm feeling very emotional now.... You would care about other people who is sick but you wouldn't care if I'm sick anymore... You said we were still friends but the fact is we are strangers now....

I'm feeling so sick that I've been sleeping very early for the past two days...
I woke up this morning dreaming about you..
I dreamt of you texting me asking if I was feeling better...
The dream was a dream I never want to wake up from because you cared about me in the dream.... You were concerned and you cared even if it was just a friendly thing to do rather than how you are towards me now, cold and treating me like I am a stranger...
At this very moment, I just want want to be in your arms and only yours...
I remembered last year when I was sick, you came to find me to make sure I was fine...
I recalled how you told me back then that you would be my charging station when I'm feeling tired, weak or sad... You'll give me the power to go through everything and anything...
The funny thing is you are still the one and only one who could give me such feeling....

Someone told me how you were being really mean and harsh to me after us breaking up...
How you didn't care bout how I feel or rather you proritizing your own feelings...
How you said we were still friends but acting like strangers around me and being very cold to me....
You told me you're finding your own space, I understand that...
You said you were not only avoiding me but also avoiding the group.. But somehow I think it's more of you avoiding me because of how you act in front of me... How you were disappointed and uncomfortable that I went for the board games session at center point.. It kinda hurts because it feels like I'm such a terrible person to be around that you felt so uncomfortable...
Maybe I'm such a terrible person to be around that seeing my pictures on Instagram and Facebook became a problem to you too...
What am I to you?? Friends? Church members? Or just strangers......

Despite whatever that was done or said...
I just miss you....
I just want to be hugged by you....
I just want to be loved by you....
But...  It's never gonna be possible....
You know, I really hate myself....
One moment I feel like telling you how I still feel for you but the next moment I don't want you to know....
One moment I feel like hugging you but I know I can't anymore....

Panda, I find one of the purest form of love is praying for someone without them knowing...
I've been praying for you and always have been...
I told God that I still feel for you but I know that loving someone is not about myself is about the other person, in this case it's you...
I prayed that if you are dating now, I hope that you would find your own happiness and be happy with that girl...
I would be lying if I said I won't be sad, of course I would but maybe just for a short while....
It's easier said than done when I say that I would be happy for you if being happy for you means being with someone else...
It's hard to do but im learning... Ultimately when you love someone, you just want them to be happy....
I want you to be happy...
People said... Being in love is learning how to love that one person the right way and I'm still in the midst of learning.....
I'm learning how to love you from afar because this is all I can do for now......

I really miss you, panda🐼...
If there's one thing I could wish for that would come true now, it would be me being in your arms......

Day 71

You have decided to unfollow me on Instagram today and I wonder why....
You unfollowed me and that girl from Flingstones...
I guess I wasn't so shocked over you unfollowing me on Instagram but I was really shocked with you unfollowing her.. Afterall, you thought she was really cute and you wanted to date her out...
I'm left being puzzled...

I thought I would be devastated or at least I would start crying knowing the fact that you have stopped following me on Instagram but somehow I didn't cry....
But I really wonder why did you have to unfollow me....
Did my post bother you? Or did you feel uncomfortable by looking at my pictures?
Your actions by unfollowing me on social media seemed like something I would do after a break up, feels like you're trying to move on from the broken relationship... But I thought you've moved on a long time ago...?
I have many thoughts on my mind to why you had to unfollow me but I really wouldn't know the actual reason because I'm not you....

The reasons that I can think of is:
1. You realised you haven't moved on from the relationship and that you need to move on now knowing that I've already moved on.
2. Whatever I post on Instagram bothers and affect you to some extent... But I don't understand why..
3. You realised the only way for us to completely get going in our own lives is to have a clear cut...

There are more reasons... But... Oh well.....

Day 69

Today has been a rather emotional day for me....
I heard you asked if I went out with my boyfriend yesterday as well as you met a pretty lawyer.. I guess I should congratulate you?
My feelings was very mixed today...
I wonder why would you make such a statement of me going out with my so called boyfriend... It feels like you are curious to know if I have a boyfriend now.. But the question is why would you want to know or care??
Yinli has been trying to arrange badminton sessions for this coming week but I heard that you've got plans on and that you can't make it.. But honestly, it's obvious that you're avoiding me... Just a week ago you told us to ask you to join for any hiking session as you're interested and a week later when we asked, you gave excuses to not go...
I'm pretty sure I'm not wrong that you're avoiding me... But I don't know the reason behind this...
You might have just decided to avoid me completely in order for us to really have a clean cut and that nothing is left in between us..

There are 3 things we've said we would do together but we will never have the opportunity to do it...
1. Kungfu Panda 3
2. Cameron Highland
3. Genting New Theme Park

There are a lot of guys who asked me out to watch Kungfu Panda 3 with them.. Of all the  movies, they wanted me to watch this with them.... But this is something we were supposed to do together so I refused to watch this movie with any of them... I didn't want to do something we were supposed to do with another guy, it's just wrong... So..
I went to watch Kungfu Panda 3 today with Sammy and her boyfriend...
The movie was really entertaining and funny but... As entertaining as it may be, I cried as I was watching it.....
I was laughing.. Then crying... And then laughing again.... And crying again.....
All that was on my mind was if you were here, it would've been perfect....
Some of the part in the movies which was really funny, I could picture in my mind the way you would laugh... The really happy kind of laugh from you..... It felt as though I could hear you laughing at the back of my mind.....

I know you think that Ive probably moved on with someone else or at least I've already moved on from our broken relarionship and from you...
But hey... Just look where I am now... Im stucked ......
I think about you every single day.. I think about our memories and times we shared every day...
Just how am I gonna move on as easy as you think it might be for me?
If only if moving on was something so easy, I would've been much happier now...

Few days ago I just realised that I have been suppressing my inner feelings about you and us...
In front of the whole world and especially in front of you, I appear to be very happy and cheerful.. But deep inside me, I am feeling empty..
I am...depressed but.. I'm managing it.....
Everytime when I'm around you or around our mutual friends, I'll appear to be super happy...
I'm not doing this to make you feel better but it's for me to feel better about myself...
It's easier to fake a smile then to answer questions from people to why I'm unhappy....
The moment I leave Homes or my friends, my facial expression would immediate change...
The emptiness in my heart will slowly creep in......

I wish you all the best in your dates or any new relarionship you're gonna be in....
But as for me, it's gonna take awhile more to grip hold of  myself and to be ready for another relationship...
I am afraid of loving again..... I am truly scared....
If loving someone is so painful,  I would rather not love anymore in the future....
But whatever it is, I'm gonna leave it to God ....
Hoping that God would guide us to wherever or whoever we should be for His glory and for the best of us.....

Just how long more before I can stop missing you....?

Day 64

It's been two months plus since we've broken up.. How are you doing? I guess you're pretty much fine from what I can see...
It's funny how you think I've moved on so well but the fact is im still stucked here.. I'm not stagnant but I'm still in the midst of moving on, getting over you...
At times I wonder If I would ever get over you.. We weren't in a relationship for a very long period but you gave me a lot to remember.. There are things that I never want to forget about you because it still means a lot to me as of now....

You're the light, you're the night...
You're the color of my blood...
You're the cure, you're the pain..
You're the only thing I wanna touch...
Never knew that you could mean so much......

Everytime when I bump into you or when I see you, you tend to ask me a lot of weird questions..
You like asking me if I'm dating or if there are guys after me now..
I always wonder how or why it would still matter to you because it seemed like you don't care about how I feel anymore...
Everytime when you talk to me and gently pat my arms and shoulders, it feels weird...
It's like a touch that seemed so familiar yet unfamiliar...
It's like a touch I still long for but I know I shoudlnt have it anymore....
At times I still feel your touch in my dreams and I hope it'll last....

Many people are telling me how I should stop loving you or being obsessed about you...
They told me I should be crazy over a guy who would be crazy over me too....
I just can't seem to bring myself to do it...
There's just a very strong feeling of you still lingering in me..
I don't know why but it just feels like I should just stay here and wait for you...
I know how everyone would say I'm being stupid for still having feelings for you but it's just something I myself cannot explain to myself..
I don't know why I would feel for you so deeply or why I still won't give up on you....
I know I should stop being obsessed over you and start noticing the people around me, something that you would do too....

I don't know if I'm being blessed by the people around me but..this month alone there are a few guys who have told me how much they liked me and how deep they felt for me...
Given the old Nicole a few years ago, I would have started dating or being in a relationship with those guys because it would be the easiest way of moving on; focusing on other people...
But the Nicole now.. Just don't want to do things the way she did before..
If I'm going to move on from you, getting over you.. It will have to be me going through the process of grieving and finally deciding to let go of you..
I don't wanna rebound neither do I want to hurt the guys around me.....
There are some nice guys who would tell me how they would wait for me until I have finally moved on from you before pursuing me... And how they would stand by my side, listening to me talking about you....
I'm truly blessed but I feel bad.... Because I know how much it hurts listening to someone you like/love talking about someone else....

I'm not afraid that I can't find someone whom will love me and treat me right...
But... I'm afraid that I can't find someone whom I will love with all my heart like how I loved you....

I really feel the urge of wanting to hug you but I know I cant....
I will never be able to wrap myself around your arms...
I will never be able to lean on your shoulders to cry..
I will never be able to hold onto your arms...
I will never be able to smile and talk to you like how I usually would..
I will never be able to sleep in your arms...
I will never be able to talk to you over the phone...
I will never be able to watch tv series together....
I will never be able to share with you my new hobby......

There are so many more things that I would wanna do with you, to share with you...
But I can never share with you because we will never be the same as before...
Someone told me even if we were ever gonna be together, we will still have to start from scratch because the foundation is broken....
It's not about fixing the relationship that has been broken but instead it's about creating something better....
But... I doubt we would have anything more than friends given the seperate ways we are going......

Day 56

I have stopped blocking for the past 22 days because I thought I have recovered ... 

The fact is I have not and I don't know if I would ever recover....

When I was already recovering from the break up and from you blocking me on whatsapp... You decided to unblock me on Chinese New Year.. You whaysapp and Facebook messaged me.. I didn't respond because I wanted to keep a distance with you.... 

You know, that day when Michelle left to Australia, I was really sad... Guys who are hitting on me wanted to be there by my side to make sure I'm fine... But.. I didn't want any of them to ne there for me because all I ever wanted was you... It would be much easier for me to go through the sadness with those guys around... They would provide me the emotional support that I need to cope with the things that has happened but... All I wanted was you..... That night when Michelle left to Australia, I drove outside your house and parked at the same spot... I cried so badly in the car wanting to feel your arms around me again... I wanted you to be there and to provide me the emotional support that I need... Being outside your house somehow made me feel calm, I feel you near me..... 

Just when I think I was coping well with our break up and that I could treat you like a friend... You initiated brunch and a board game session with me and Yinli .. I guess it's because you thought that I was going to leave to UK for my studies, so you wanted things to be more normal for us.. We went for lunch at Flingstones and you actually asked me on ways to date a girl out because you thought that girl who was working there was cute.... Don't you think its stupid to ask your ex girlfriend on ways to date another girl out? How insensitive can you be?! I was mad and angry because I still love you... It hurt me a lot..... I refused to answer you so you asked Yinli instead.. She told you on ways to find that girl through Instragram... You told me you were just joking about that girl but you eventually did take the effort to find her Instagram and follow her.. It certainly didn't seem like a joke to me... 

That day you even interrogated me on my relationship with Samuel...

Why would you want to know? Is it important? 

You keep telling me how happy you are for Samuel and I if we were together.. But do you know the way you said it sounded very bitter? 

You even asked me if it was too fast for me to start dating again...

You wanted to give me a goodbye hug on that day but I told you not to touch me...

The fact is... I truly wanted to be in your arms again but I cant... It would just tear me down even more...

You said I am moving on well, but do you know how I am actually coping with this whole thing? 

I break down very often, I think about you very often... And... You are all that's on my mind...

I will never wake up a day without thinking about you and I would never go to sleep a night without thinking of you.... 

I joined church choir because Yinli wanted to join and I was shocked when I was told that you were also joining...

That day when we had the choir practice, you wore the shirt I bought for you...

Why did you wear it in front of me?? 

It brought back a lot of memories.. I remembered how we exchanged our gifts and the look on your face, it was everything I would want to remember..... 

After the practice you tried talking to me and you even tried to look at my phone; wanted to know who I was smsing... Why is it important?? 

Today we had our church anniversary and I thought I would be fine...

You looked great today but I just couldn't bring myself to compliment your appearance... But you came to me and said I look great....

While we were having our breakfast, we chatted for awhile about the board games you played yesterday.. And you asked me if hiking is my new hobby.... 

I just feel like you're still interested to know what's going on in my life and that you still care.... 

I don't know why I'm feeling so depressed now...

I don't know what I can do to recover and to heal from you ....

I just feel so overwhelmed now.... 

It feels really weird that we didn't have lunch together because back then we would.... It's an entirely different feeling....

I guess God wants me to be honest with my feeling that I was stirred by the word of Pastor Kenneth.. He said through Christ, all broken relationships and marriages can be reconciled... Then I asked myself if we could ever reconcile... I even cried at church today because I was just feeling so overwhelmed... 

That is when I realised I was not being honest with myself about my feelings towards you....

Today I was finally honest with my own feelings about you and us... 

I'm not over you and it would take a very long time for me to get over you...

I've had many relationships in the past but you are my first love... You are the first guy whom I truly loved.... 

I know to you right now, you think I've moved on from you and that I am probably dating Samuel.. But.... I'm not dating him... He's just trying to be there for me... 

It's been two months since our break up and I still can't seem to move on from you.... 

There's only one thing that I know right now... Despite of how you've hurt me, you are still perfect in my eyes and I still love you with all my heart for who you are....

I think I need to be completely away from you...

Time to work on myself and to completely heal....

I hope I can control myself from wanting to see or text you....

I would skip church, homes and board games for the time being...

Whatever we may be in future, whether it's friends or lovers again...

We will need a clean break to start the foundation of friendship again.....

I need this........

I... Miss you..........

Day 34

I looked back at our photos today and surprisingly I didn't cry...
I think I'm starting to learn how to move on..
Moving on doesn't mean forgetting but it's just me choosing happiness over sadness for now....

I didn't do much today except going out for dinner with a guy..
Well, to me it was more of a friendly dinner outing and it's not a date to me...
Somehow, it still felt a little awkward...
I think I'm just not ready to be around any guys now because all I would be thinking is you...

I went for board games with Gareth's group today..
It was quite fun!! I played Spartacus...
They were all friendly and nice.....
I think I did okay for the game.... It would be so nice if I could share my gaming experience with you..
I used to play board games for you because I know how much you love and enjoy playing board game.. But know I olay it for myself because me myself is starting to love board games too...
It's not just the interaction and communication among friends but we could also relate board games to our real life.... I wished I could tell you how much I enjoy playing board games now....

Recently there were many prayer request on our homes group chat... The latest prayer request was for me...
If I were to compare your reply for the other homies prayer request, you empathize and you wrote a longer message... But when the request is for me is was short and simple or simply a thumbs up..
It got me thinking if you really hated me this much that replying a few additional words would be so difficult...
Maybe you just don't want to have anything to do with me anymore.....

I prayed to God today and I told God that I would submit or relationship to Him...
I prayed that whatever we may be in future would be for His glory and would be what He wants us to be....
I immediately felt a sense of relieved in me, like a burden lifted from my shoulder...
I'll move on for now and hope the best for us in future whether it's friends or something more......

Day 33

Today is the 4th day of me vomiting, it feels terrible.

I went to clinic wanting to see Dr Leong but she had patients waiting and I felt like vomiting, so I had to see you...

I think you were feeling awkward to see me and I guess I was also feeling the same.... I didn't even dare to look at you in the eye...

You told me that you will be giving me an injection and I gave you the horrified look.. You said I needed it and that it would be better than taking tablets..
Before you injected me, I was already scared... The moment you injected me and I gave that painful sound, I could see from the corner of my eyes that you looked at me...
Before I left your clinic, you told me to take care of myself..
It got me wondering if you do care about me still...
If I were to be admitted into hospital, would you come to visit me like I did for you back then?

I went to check what was wrong with me and doctor told me I have an ulcer in my stomach...
Maybe the gastritis I had long time ago developed into an ulcer...
If I don't take care of the ulcer and if it bleeds, it could be cancerous...
I'm actually scared and wondering where are you when I needed you most.....
And I realised things wouldn't be the same anymore, you're gone and never coming back to me....

What hurts the most was being being so close and having so much to say, watching you walk away..
Never knowing what could have been for us...
If only we could have fight harder for us, our relationship....
You seemed to have moved on miles away from our broken relationship with all your happy post in Facebook while I'm still stuck here...
All I hope is for us to be friends again, to be able to eat together and to play board games together...
Losing you as a friends was the most painful thing that could've ever happened....

I still think of you every now and then...
There's alot of happy memories ..
Sometimes too much that I can't deal with the pain.....
I just miss you a lot....