Day 15

I went to work today looking like a zombie..
Everyone said I look pale and sick....
After leaving work early things happened again, I was being stalked on...
I had to report to police to make sure I'm safe.. After reporting I was still stalked on and the only thing I could think of was to find you... You were supposed to accompany me to the police station but it didn't happened because I've lodge a report while I was being stalked on....
I drive to Bukit Jalil to find you..
While I was waiting for you, I was trembling... I felt scared and I felt insecure...
When I finally saw you, i anted to run towards you and hugged you but I controlled myself...
I told you that I was being stalked on and you told me "Its ok, I'm here with you "... This sentence of yours actually calmed me down a little....
As we were driving off from the station, I saw my ex standing there looking at my direction.. I panicked and drove even faster....
We went to Sunway Pyramid to eat; I ate my favour ire korean food....
During that period when we were eating, we talked a lot... About us and everything....
You told me... "If I didn't jump the gun to start a relationship with you and be friends longer with you, we might still be together now"... When I heard that, my heart fell...
Well, if we didn't start the relationship, we would have broken up and we wouldn't be addressing our issues individually...
I told you that all these while you've been feeling that our relationship progressed too fast and maybe this was the only way to slow things down between us; to start every from scratch, from friends..
Who knows what would happen in future.. We might be together in future or we might just be good friends in future..  You just nod your head after listening to what I have to say...

You also told me that your first ex girlfriend knows you quite well..
She's seen many sides of you and you've seen different sides of her too...
The both of you have known each other for many many years...
I was wondering why didn't you reconcile with her since the both of you know each tiger so much... You just kept quiet....
I started asking myself if I were to know you more and if you were to know me more, will we be able to reconcile and start a relationship all over again...
I had this thought because many people told me the best relationship starts from best friends... Sigh..
I really hope we could be more than what we are now...

I told you how you were a good boyfriend to me...
Given all the circumstances and issues in you, you've done the best you could..
You've tried hard enough... And I told you that I hope I was an okay girlfriend to you too...
 You said " you're kiterally the best girlfriend anyone could ever ask for.. I'm telling you know that in future I will never be able to find a girl who would treat me like you did; the love and support that you gave me"... When I heard you saying this, I was happy... At least I know I played my role well....

After talking we left sunway pyramid...
You insisted to follow me home because you feel that he might be there stalking on me...
During he journey back to my house, I kept looking at the back mirror...
We've been together for nearly 5 months and it's rare to have you to follow me home...
I can't believe now that we've broke up, you actually followed me home to make sure I'm safe...
Life can be very ironic at times...
I could see how worried you were...
I'm just blessed to have you....

We thought my ex didn't stalk on me anymore but then I received a call from my ex saying that a girl sent me home.. I hung up and called you to make sure if you're fine....
Thank goodness you're fine....
You told me not to let my ex use you against me...
You told me to be strong....
I could hear from your voice that you were emotionally exhausted.....
Im sorry panda..........
I'm sorry for dragging you into all this...
You didn't deserve this.....
You deserved much better.....

Day 14

I don't know how to describe what I've felt today...
I was abused last night and I thiught I didn't want to tell anyone especially you...
Somehow today when I was at church, you could sensed that I'm down...
After church you asked me if I'm ok, I said I am okay and walked away...
As we were walking to our cars, you tapped on my shoulder and I was in pain... At the point you knew something happened to me and you probably already know that I was injured by someone...
Sigh... You read me so well....

Today at church I didn't expect you to initiate to ask if we would like to have brunch..
Of course I would love to! So I decided to forfeit the tickets to Ip Man3 and have brunch with you all since I didn't have the mood anyway...
I didn't expect us to be able to sit down to have brunch again...
I was overwhelmed when you decided to watch Ip Man 3 with us at Setia City Mall later in the afternoon... We were supposed to watch this movie together before we broke up.. I can't believe we could actually watch this movie together ... I'm really happy....
You've been trying to cheer me up today... Making me laugh and making sure I'm ok.... I am really happy....

Later in the evening today.. Something else happened and I was devastated...
I went to find you and Yinli because I know if I didn't find you all, I'd kill myself...
I told you all what happened and I think you were shocked and sad....
I really don't know if I made the right choice telling you...
You comforted me...
You didn't judge me...
You accepted me....
I remembered how you sayang-ed my head just now...
I loved how you sayang me just now.. I always have..
When I was crying like mad, you asked me if I wanted a hug...
It made me cry more because I felt so unworthy...
Before I left, I hugged you tightly....
You pushed my hair to a side and hugged me...
I didn't want to let you go because being in your arms felt so good...
There's nothing more to ask for than to be in your arms....

Maybe breaking up with me was a right decision because if you were still with me, you would be so stressed out knowing what has happened to me.. And probably feel useless for not being able to comfort me or making me feel good again.....hm

Day 13

Today was a very memorable and happy day for me...
I decided to go to the Splendor tournament today.. I changed my mind to go was entirely because of you.. I wanted to see you as much as I could before I leave and that this would probably be the last time I'll be able to play in a tournament with you... I also wanted to see you do well in the tournament..
When I decided to join the tournament, I didn't expect to win or to get into the finals..
All I wanted was to have fun with you and that this would be a very precious memory of us playing in a tournament...
Surprisingly I really won the tournament and you got second place!!☺️☺️
I'm happy that I won but I'm happier that you got second place...
You didn't even expect yourself to enter finals and to win second place...
This victory that you achieved will definitely help you to boost your confidence and self esteem as a person... You did very very well and I'm really proud of you...
I'm proud to see you do so well...
I'm proud to see how far you've come...
I'm proud to see you being proud...
I'm proud that my ex panda won a second place in the tournament...
I'm just so proud of you....

We thought the tournament would start early in the morning but it was postponed until 2.30 in the afternoon.. You wanted to forfeit the tournament and leave to a board games session... I'm glad you didn't leave... Because if you have left, I'll never be able to see the proud and happy panda who did so well in the tournament... You once said you were never a challenge to me in board games but today you definitely were a challenge to me... You played my favorite board game well...

We ate brunch together at Canton-i.. I was really happy that we managed to eat together because I thought we would never have the chance to sit down and eat together again...
We were talking about a lot of things and we were both laughing...
You told me you've not seen me so happy before even when we were together...
Well, I guess it's because I'm addressing all the unresolved issues in my life that made me a happier person...
Maybe... I am indeed a happy person but because of all the things that is holding me back made me the stress and tensed up Nicole that you know....
I'm going to address all of my issues and close all the books which are still open...
I'm really happy....
When I'm around you... I feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world....
You were a great boyfriend to me despite all your issues...
I hope I was an okay girlfriend to you too...

Nothing makes me happier than seeing you happy...
Nothing makes me feel proud than to see you doing so well in a tournament....

Day 12

Today I saw you again.....hmm...
I had lunch with Max at the mamak near your office and I didn't expect to see you there...
Somehow when I tapped my hand at your back, you turned and gave me a frustrated kind of look..
It kept me wondering if I did something wrong or if you had a bad day...
Sigh...
I decided to see Carol at 8 something at night today and she told me you were going around that time too..
She asked me if I could come another day so that it wouldn't be too awkward...
Well, what I had on my mind was if you want to avoid me then you should be the one avoiding me, not me... I told her if we bump then we bump if we don't then we don't....
So after facial I went to the hospital and talked to her... I thought you would not come and that you would avoid me.. It was out of my expectation to see you there...

As we were leaving we managed to talk to each other....
It was a good talk..really it was...
I told you how I understood the importance of listening and the issues that was between us...
And you also told me that you are going to look into your issues.. Im really happy because I think you should really sort your issues out....
I've been praying very hard for you to have a breakthrough and I am sure God is already working on you.. I am really proud of you!!
You told me this 2 weeks have been a roller coaster for you.. You are happy, sad, angry and at times you cry... It made me wonder how much did our relationship really meant to you... I thought you were happy and relieved but when I heard you saying all this, I guess I was wrong.. The break up was painful for the both of us...
You also told me you went on a date with one of your friend and you felt something in you is pulling you back.. I guess it's the same for me... phobia of the opposite gender.. LOL!
I did think to myself what if I were to see you dating another women in future.. What would I do...
I guess I'll feel really hurt and sad.. I might not be able to withstand the pain that I'll withdraw myself from your life entirely... I really don't know... I guess only time will tell and I'm sure it would happen very soon... you'll start dating very very soon again...hmmm..


After talking to you today, I realize I have started to let go of you and that I have moved on.. I could talk to you without feeling hurt.. I could smile when I was talking to you... I didn't cry after we left our own ways... Through this whole process and journey, I see us growing into a better person...
I see some minor changes in you and the fact that you want to do something about your issues is already a breakthrough!.. As for me, I guess you would have realized how I am starting to change...
I'm really happy for the both of us that we are growing and maturing individually....

I still think back about our memories together... I really miss those times....
I miss how you hold me in your arms... and how you kissed me... I really missed those times.....

Day 11 ( The importance of Listening)

I came across this verse that reminded me of the thing you dislike about me...

Proverbs 18:2 - "A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions"..

It really reminded me of how bad a listener I was to you and to the people around me...

Little did I know listening plays an important part in any relationship.. If only I realize how important this was as it was also stated in the Bible, our relationship might have gone further.. It's too late to regret now and all I can do is to improve myself and be a better Nicole....

Why is listening so important?

1. Listening is a form of love. By listening, we put aside our agenda, we take a break from what we are doing and give our attention to the other. Listening requires selflessness and humility. It is a form of love and love is good for all relationships.

2. Listening shows you care. Listening shows you want to understand what the other person is experiencing, is feeling and is thinking. When someones close to you senses that you are not really listening to what they have to say, that person is rightfully hurt. Not listening gives the message that you are not interested in the other person or what the person has to say. Listening shows you care which in turn strengthens relationships.

All these while you have been talking about how much you long for people to listen to you but I guess I just neglected your feelings. I was asking myself why didn't you tell me to change and be a better listener for you or why didn't you just tell me off.. I guess you didn't want to change how I was as a person because you feel that it isn't right to change a person and that shouldn't be the way. Well, I guess to me it's not changing me, it's becoming a better me.. I hope I can acquire this skills of listening and be a blessing to the people around me.. If only I realized earlier... things might have been different...

My feelings was rather mixed up today.. I felt anger and hatred in me...

I remembered there was once when you told me all these years no girl's gave you the feeling of wanting to be in a relationship until you met me.. But 2 weeks ago you told me when you started this relationship with me, your feelings wasn't as strong as you thought it would be.. I felt the anger in me and the hatred too... I asked myself why should I continue loving you, caring for you as well as supporting you when everything was wrong from day 1.. I asked myself why should I continue waiting for you when you will never reciprocate to my love or be committed to me... I asked myself why should I be upset over a guy who claimed to love me but hurts me in the end...

A different kind of pain I've felt today...hmm...

I asked my mum if she sees any changes in me since I've started a relationship with you..

She said she could see me going to the right path back to Christ.. and that I am becoming a better person and know what I want in my life... 

She said the biggest difference she sees in me is not when I am with you.. Instead it is after we've broken up...

She said throughout this period of us being apart, the things that I say and do really show's that I've mature and grown up compared to before... Which she thinks it is a positive change.... 

Sigh.. must I go through a break up to grow and mature? It's a very painful way.. but I guess if it was planned by God then He must have he reasons to allow me to go through this..

I read through all the sweet messages you've sent to me in the past..

I thought I would cry but I didn't...

I read this message with you saying that you will never give up on this relationship until you have given your best...

I asked myself if you've given your best.. and I also asked myself if you have ever asked yourself this question before you gave up on us...Sigh... 

You know I really feel like  giving up on you.. when I have made my mind to give up on someone/something.. I will go all out doing it and there will never be any U-turn... But somehow, there's this feeling in me telling me not to close this book..... I don't know why am I feeling this way..

I prayed to God that if you are meant for me, please do not bring anymore guys into my life and just leave things the way it is.. I'll just wait for the right timing for us to reconnect again...

I suddenly have this urge of hugging you from the back, squeezing you tightly against my body... feeling the warmth of your body... I miss hugging you a lot.... 

Day 10

Yesterday night I read an article regarding broken relationships and reconciliation..
I guess that article really helped me to move on from you and from our past relationship..
A lot of the things that was mentioned in the article was really relevant to me..
It says that if I continue to be depressed, sad or hurt, the next time when you see me.. all you will feel is negative vibes from me... and it will just remind you of our failed relationship... Instead if I were work on myself during this period when we are barely friends, the next time when we talk or when we communicate again, you will feel that I am a more confidence and happier person.. Well, at least it gives you some positive feeling when we finally talk again... If I were to continue to be down and depressed, I think it will just drive you further away... Cause I will just remind you of all the failed and sad things in our relationship... I believe if we were meant to be together or to reconcile in future, everything will have to start from scratch.. This is because the platform of our relationship is already broken and to have a new relationship, we will have to build a new platform again.. We will have to get to know each other and be friends again and see where things take us...
I also cut my hair yesterday.. it's like a new start, a new beginning and also a new me =)....

This morning I said a prayer for the both of us that God will continue to bless us in our friendship and relationship.. and also to give us strength and wisdom to overcome our issues in our life...  I also prayed to God that during this time where we are not contacting each other, I prayed that He will reveal our true feelings for each other.. that if I really love you, during this time apart, I'll miss you more.. and that if you still like me, you'll think of me more... and that we will both realize the importance of each other's presence in our lives.... I believe if we are really meant to be,  during this time of us being separated and not contacting each other will make us realize how much we meant to each other.. There is a saying that says "absence makes a heart grow fonder"... I do believe it ~...

During lunch today, I purposely went down late to buy fruits, hoping to avoid bumping into you...
I think the more I avoid you, the more I bump into you... 
As I was walking to the fruit stall, I saw you running back towards your office..
We smiled and said hi to each other...
Well, my heart was beating very fast... just like the first time I saw you again back in June 2015..
After buying fruits, I was walking back to office and I saw you running toward my direction.. I was shocked... I asked you why were you running here and there... You answered " I came back to talk to you".. I was wondering what else is there to talk between us... You asked me if I was going to UK to study and if I have decided... Sigh.. It was quite an okay chat for a couple who has just broken up... it didn't feel as awkward as I thought it would be... It's a good start I guess...

I'll definitely miss you from UK........

Day 9

People say as time pass, the pain and the feeling of sadness will reduce..
I can say that it's all lies... It's the second week into our break up and I'm feeling worse...
I'm feeling very upset, hurt and depressed..
I can't stop thinking about you and about us...
Every time when I think of us,I cry...it feels like we've just broken up yesterday...
All the memories we shared seems like just yesterday...

During lunch today when I was walking downstairs, I saw you..
I didn't know what to do so I walked pass you and acted as though I never saw you...
I walked right in front of you so I guess you might have saw me too... But I guess you are feeling the same thing like I do that is why you didn't acknowledged me...
When we were friends, we could easily say hi and talk together or even walking together...
When we were together, if we saw each other we would smile and talk together... We would walk together hands in hands...
What have we become now?
We can't even say the simplest thing, we can't even say hi....
The difference in our relationship is greatly felt.....
I do wonder what are you feeling now and how do you feel about me...
But I know that you will never regret breaking up with me and you will never look back and reconcile with me....
What am I doing here? Why am I still stuck here while you have already moved on...

I heard a song today that explains my feelings for you....

Right Here Waiting For You


Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me going crazy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me going crazy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
Waiting for you