Day 8

I thought I could move on easily from you as I had answers to my questions pertaining to us...
I felt a sense of relieve knowing how you felt back then and how you feel now...
Last night I asked you if you still like me more than a friend.. You said "we just broke up a week ago, of course I still like you more than a friend.. but the feelings is reducing towards just being friends"..
Well, at least for now, you still feel for me to a certain degree....

Today when you left the Board Games group chat, I felt needles pricking my heart...
You are trying to cut off all connections with me.. the only group chat that is left for us in Homes and our Board Games group chat....
I do wonder if you would exit it too....
Watching you cutting off all our connections really feel painful....
There's nothing left between us... I know its meant to be this way but.. it definitely hurts...

Today Yin Li asked me if I really did put your feeling before mine..
All these while I thought I did put your feelings before mine.. but I guess I am wrong....
She said if I did put your feeling before mine then I wouldn't have brought or created any issues during your exam period... She asked me to think of you would feel good about it back then... Thinking about it she's right... You are stressed with your exam and here I am adding burden to you...
I guess maybe all this time, I cared about how I feel and what I want... It wasn't about me caring how you felt but me caring about how I felt...

I'm really sorry for neglecting your feelings and not prioritizing your feelings before mine..
I am really sorry...
I feel so depressed today...... 
After work I drove straight home and sat in the car... I looked at the parking lot in my condo where you once walked passed...
I remembered somewhere back last year when I had fever, you drove to my condo to see me.. You came with a coconut juice.. and you spent time in my room watching one episode of flash before you left for home...
It will always be a very sweet and memorable memory of how you took care of me when I was sick....
I really don't know who am I going to move on....
I really love you so so much...
I never knew I could love someone to this extent... You are the first and I hope that you will also be the last...
There are a lot of people telling me to date around and don't give up on a first because of a tree..
But to me... you weren't just a tree.. you were everything....
I told them that I will never be able to be in another relationship for quite some time and that I am in no position to have one,..
I have been avoiding a lot of guys lately.. Now that I am heart broken, I do not want to use other guys to get over you... If I were to date or be with them, I will definitely feel better because there's someone loving me and caring for me.. but it's not the right way... I do not want to rebound....
You just mean so so much to me....
It'll take a very long time for me to let go of you and to accept that there will never be a "we" anymore...
I do wonder if you would love me again in future....
Last night when I asked you if you think we could ever be together again.. You told me"you don't' know"....
You said you agree with what Dorin said.. that if I believe that meeting you at UOB and HSBC again is fated and destined by God... and that if we are really meant to be together... God will eventually bring us back together... What we are going through now is a way for you and I to grow into the person God wants us to be and also to address the issues we have in us... If we were meant to be together by God, when we have grown into a fuller version of ourselves, that it would be the right time for us to be together again... Maybe we're not meant to be together for now and that we are meant to be together in future when you and I have both grown into the mature and fuller versions of ourselves... 
You said you totally agree with what she said because you strongly believe if we are meant to be together... We will eventually be together in future...
I remembered telling you what WF said about me leaving to Singapore yesterday... that if we were meant to be anything in the next upcoming months or year... It would never happen and that I would have killed all hopes because I choose to leave Malaysia... And you answered me" I don't really agree with what he says because if it is meant by God, we will eventually be together again.. but the journey of getting back together might be tougher"....
I am still thinking and reevaluating my decision to leave......
I will definitely miss you a lot.......

Day 7

While I was driving to church this morning, I cried again..
I used the same highway, the same road to Subang , everything was the same.. The only thing that was different was us...
The moment I walked into church listening to all the worship songs, I cried again.. I went to the toilet and cry... After the praise and worship today, I went out to the toilet with Yin Li to cry again.. I just couldn't stop crying.. I didn't see you at church today.. I thought you were supposed to come and pass me my things..? I guess you must have overslept....
Things are really different for me today..
Usually on Sunday's, we would head to church together.. We would walk into church holdings hands.. After church we would go for brunch and okay some board games... And after that we would head back to your home to rest...
How I missed those times we shared...
All I could ask myself was.. How could you throw away our relationship and everything that we've shared...

I went to 7 Wonder's tournament and saw you there..
I was hoping to see you but when I saw you, I felt something running thorough my spine...
I registered for 7 Wonder's tournament earlier but I never told you because I wanted to surprise you.. But after that, I never had the chance to tell you because we broke up....
I was surprised that you were able to talk to me like a normal friend today...
I think it was such a coincidence for you to be sitting beside me during the tournament... We randomly picked a number and you were seated beside me....
During the tournament, you talked to me and laughed with me.. things felt good...
You even asked me if I would play Blood Rage with you if you receive the game....
How I wished we could be friends like how we used to.....

After the tournament you passed me my clothes....  I felt pain as I took my clothes from your car...
It feels like there's no connection between us anymore...
When I looked into your eyes, I felt like hugging you so tightly....
Eventually we just talked about us and I told you I have things to tell you...
So, we met up at your area and talked for three hours....
I was happy to hear you say that you did love me.. but you just feel that the love for me can only reach to a certain point because of the issues we have and the commitment issues that's in you..
I guess hearing this makes me feel better.. at least I know that the time we spent together, the love I felt was real...
Throughout the whole conversation, I could see how frustrated and agitated you were...
I guess these are the things that you just don't want to think anymore...
I'm sorry for confronting you for answers....
We talked about your deeper issues as well and I do hope that you will fix it....
You said if you cannot solve your commitment issue, you will not get a girlfriend...
I do hope that you can work your way through this with God's grace and overcome it...
There's a lot of things waiting ahead of you.....
I told you that it would be the last time that we'll talk about issues like this and that it would also be the last time you'll see me..because I'll be leaving....
You were shocked when I told you that I'll be leaving to Singapore in less than a month...
You told me that you hope Im going to Singapore not because I'm running away from the things that are happening here.. that it is not because of you that Im leaving..
You said if I am leaving because of you, then you'll have this weight on your shoulder that if anything happens to me.. It would be your fault....
If I choose to go to Singapore to study, even if something happens to me.. It will not be your responsibility... I made the decision to leave and it was my choice.. You will not be held accountable for a decision I make...
Before I left your car, I asked you if I could hug you... After the car accident, I thought and I felt that I will never get the chance to hug you ever again... You told me "sure"....
When I hugged you, it felt so good... It felt so close... It reminded me of how you hugged me when we were still together... You pushed my air to one side and hugged me tightly, slowly rubbing my back..
I will never forget how you held me in your arms....
I will never forget how we were when we were still together.........

Day 6

I couldn't sleep the whole night last night again..

All that was on my mind was us..

I thought of how much deeper our relationship could be if you allowed, I thought of what we could be in future... 

I guess this whole break up is really hard for me to accept as I know well enough that things could have been worked out, if only you allowed it to...

I started to doubt God.. I asked God why did He put me in such a situation and giving me such pain... I asked God what He wanted from me... 

The past few days I didn't really shed any tears and I thought I was fine..

But little did I know that the pain was so intense that I hid my emotions in the deeper me..

Somehow today I started to think back about us and how loving we were or what we could be, I cried hysterically again...

Maybe I just can't accept this whole thing.. It's too sudden... 

I felt that familiar feeling of being down.. Being depressed again...

I told Wenni that I wanted to kill myself because I just don't want to endure such pain...

It was agonizing..

There are many people who tell me that I should just let you go because of your irresponsible words; because of your immaturity in relationships and because you are confused with your own feelings...

Some say you don't deserve my love and some say that you are in no position to be in any relationship because of your commitment issues..

Some say that I should just cut all ties with you and some said we should still try to maintain our friendship...

I am trying very hard... I am...

I don't know if you realised how badly hurt I am...

I can't find a single word in the dictionary that could describe my exact feelings...

Michelle, Sam and Yinli, friends of mine for many years told me that they have never seen me in this state before.. Michelle and Sam said that they have seen me going through various obstacles and through it all, I was strong.. They said they are said that this break up alone could tear me down as such.... Yinli said through the years she has known me, she said whenever I go through a break up or a difficult situation... I would just tell her about it but I will be able to manage myself.. She said this time she finds it very different... I asked so many people for their opinion and I even seek for WF advised on this matter.. I know if you were to find out, you would be unhappy... But please stand from my point of view to see this matter. You told me you love me throughout this relationship and then on that night we broke up, you told me all these while it was just a sisterly love?

I don't know how to process it and you make feel so confused, so lost... 

I was very desperate to seek for answers to my questions on how you felt about me and what did you say such hurtful words...

He is your good friend and there is no one else I know that could tell me what is on your mind more than him.... I needed to understand and to find answers to your contradicting statements..

You make me feel so lost and confused... 

All the issues in you that I want to talk to you about just feels like now isn't the right time..
You texted me today asking what are the issues that I want to talk about... 
You also edged me a second message asking me what time will I be at church as you would like to pass me my clothes... I didn't reply...
I guess at this point in time it's hard to talk to you again... Of course I don't mind taking back my stuff and drawing a line between us... I can feel that you are very desperate to return me my stuff.. I guess it's because it would remind you of me...

I met with Wenni at SS15 McD drive-thru.. The place where you would meet people to sell off your board games.. And it's also the place we've player board games togetehr before... 
I talked to her in the car crying my heart out wondering how you could throw our relationship away....
After crying we went in to eat and I looked at the long table where we played board game back then.. And the table when you and I both sat before... My heart broke into pieces....

I never asked for much in our relationship..
I never asked you to buy me anything, to bring me to places and to travel out of Malaysia...
All I did ask was for your love and time...
But... I guess... It was too much to ask for...
People say my love for you is selfless and pure...
If it is... You would've appreciated me more, right?
I guess... I'm just nothing to you... And whatever I did for you.. Didn't mean a thing to you...
That ultimately the 5 months we shared, was nothing to you...

I wonder how would things be like when I take my clothes back from you tomorrow... I'm really depressed..
I wished I could hug you now...
I miss the warmth of your body surrounding me so badly.......

Day 5

Today was rather a tough day.. I thought I could be strong but I realized it was difficult. 
I initiated sms with you today because Wenni thought it would be good to initiate and so I did. It wasn't that bad but when you asked me about my ribs, my heart felt an ache. It felt like you still cared for me but you are trying not to, things were just very different for us. 
I never expected us to have met at the fruit shop today and ta-daaa, we just somehow bumped into each other. I really wonder if it was part of God's plan for us to meet because when we met, I guess the both of us figure that it was kind of awkward. I prayed to God and asked for guidance and I decided to text you to ask if you were comfortable being friends. To be honest, I expected you to tell me that you needed time to adjust. I was just wondering in my mind how come you were so sure we could be friends when we broke up and now you sort of can't be friends? Did you think that the relieved from the break up you had on that night was not what you thought it was? In order words, the feelings wasn't so simple as to feeling relieve but there are other elements attached to us..?
I wanted to tell you today about your inner issues like your low self-esteem, failures in life as well as your commitment issue. I wanted to tell you so badly because I felt like if I do not tell you now, I might not have the chance to do so in future. But I realized that now is not the time to tell you because you are emotional now as we just broke up and whatever I say now may not be listened by you. I told you to find me when you are ready to be friends that we will talk about this issue. 
I really wonder if we could ever be friends like last time before we started our relationship..
I asked you if we could ever be good friends like how we used to.. you said "I think so.. It definitely won't be exactly the same as before.. But yea.. After sometime apart.. Sure...For now,aside from church and homes, I think it be good for us to do such stuffs apart from each other..And reconnect with old friends etc.."
I hope we could be friends like how we once were.. It was the best friendship ever.. It was so calm and soothing... If I were to lose that friendship because of our broken relationship, I'd regret starting with you.. I would rather have you as my best friend than having you as my boyfriend for a short period of time and losing you from my life.. I don't know why despite how hurt I am, I still want to be in your life... I pray to God to heal you and that you will overcome all your inner issues and also that you and I could be good friends again.. I know we can't be together for now because of all of our issues but I do hope that we could be together in future when we have settled our issues.. 
When I met you at Homes, I felt that things were really different between us. I recalled how we were at Homes back then even when we were just friends and also how we were when we were together. I remember how you would come up to me and talk to me and get food for me to eat but.. it's all different now. Today you kept yourself busy throughout the entire night talking to different people and you won't even look at me into my eye, you were avoiding me.. The only time you look at me was when you said you need to pass me back my clothes as your parents want to put things in the room.. I don't know if it's coming from you or your parents.. You might just feel uneasy seeing my clothes in your house and that it could have bring memories of us again....I guess you were more at ease when we were playing the online game as you started talking to me a little.. As we were going home, when we said goodbye, the feeling was weird too.. Back then, we would hold hands to your car and we will kiss each other... If there is a word to describe our relationship, it would be passionate or loving.. We were very loving despite the issues we have in us, or at least we try to be loving and passionate to each other.. One week ago, we were at Empire Hotel playing 2 player board games and I was half dead.. If only I could rewind time, I'd play with you until the sun rise and enjoy every single minutes and seconds spent with you.... I feel that I could've appreciated and loved you more in our relationship, but I did not do and this will be my regret... 

I really wonder what our lives would be without each other's presence..
Will you then start to realize the importance of my presence in your life?
Will you ever be committed in a relationship again?
If you still love me, would you have the courage to be with me again??

I heard that you are going to watch Ip Man 3 with WF tomorrow..
You told WF "If we were still together, we would be watching this together"..
I told WF "If we were still together, we would be Kung Fu Panda 3 together"..
I still do hope to want to watch this with you, we've been talking about it for months!
But I just don't think we could ever watch this movie together even in a group..

Panda, I applied to Nanyang Technology University in Singapore and got accepted..
I initially wanted to apply because I wanted to be away from here... 
I never expected to get a reply so soon that I have been accepted.. 
Now that I have been accepted, I am thinking if I should go.....
If I go, I would kill all chance or hope to reconcile with you in the next two years... 
I don't know if I should go... 

You know when we first got together, I told you I am scared to be with you because if it doesn't work out, we will lose our friendship.. and now that we have broken up.. I wished I made the other choice of not being together so we could still be close to each other...
However, that day when we got together I sensed something telling me that you are the one and I need not look any further... Now that we have gone our separate ways, I still sensed it in me that you are the one....
Maybe it was how you ended our relationship.. It's all about how you want and your time frame..
If you ended it saying that you have issues that needs to be settled and that we can't be together for this reason.. it would've been better... rather than you putting your love down saying you loved me as a sister and that there's not much feeling left..... If there's not much feeling left, why would you react the way you react today? If you didn't love me or feel anything for me, you would've been able to be normal.....sigh...

Dear.... I love you a lot.... I still do...
I will always be here for you... 

Day 4 (cont')

Just now I was finding some article on Google on how to move on from broken relationships and if there is a possibility to reconcile in future. As I was searching, I found an interesting article relating to Commitment Phobia. When I was reading the article, the first thought that came to my mind was you. I started to understand that you had commitment phobia and that explains many things that happened between us. Don't get me wrong, I am not pushing all the blame on your commitment issues, I have issues too. Its more like, I started to understand a lot of things that happened during our relationship and that a lot of the things is not your fault, that I should stop asking myself why are you hurting me this way..

People who are commitment phobic feel they need to cut off their feelings after a certain point of knowing someone as a means of feeling in control and feeling emotionally protected. This is often not conscious and it is going on at the deepest level of sub consciousness. They are looking for perfection; which is what they erroneously feel would make them happy, in control and ultimately emotionally safe. People with such phobia's have problems staying in a relationship.

- http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2015/01/08/what-is-commitment-phobia-relationship-anxiety/

- http://www.visualizationworks.com/commitment-phobia-the-source-and-the-way-out/

A lot of the things that was mentioned in the article could be related to you..

I started to understand you better and I started to realize the seriousness of your issue..

To be honest, when I was reading the article, I had a mixed feeling. I felt happy and and uneasy at the same time, it's a weird feeling to be described. I felt uneasy because i dated a guy with commitment issues and I never realized it and now that I have read this article, I realize how hard was it for you to be in a relationship with me. I feel happy reading this article as it gave me a sense of relieved about our break up. When I was reading the issues related to the commitment phobia and how can it be overcome, I asked myself if I could be there for you throughout the whole relationship if I knew how bad it was. The answer to that question is, I don't think so. No matter how much I love and care for you, I can't accept the fact having a boyfriend who would constantly ask himself if this is the girl; if you are meant to be with her..If I were to be with you in a relationship knowing that you will always have this thought of breaking up at the back of your mind because of issues and commitments, I don't think I can be with you. This is because having to know my boyfriend keeps having the thought of breaking up at the back of his mind and I can't exactly tell how is he feeling for me makes me feel very insecure. Therefore, when I read this article I got an answer in me that I can't be in a relationship with you no matter how much I love you for now until that issue have been settled. 

Panda, reading this article also made me realize one thing..it made me realized how you tried hard in our relationship..

The past few days I have been asking myself a lot of why.. Why did you hurt me? Why did you tell me you loved me if you don't? Why did you want to continue being with me when you knew you couldn't be committed?

After reading the article on commitment phobia, it made me realized how you wanted to try and you did tried but it just couldn't work..

When I think back about the first time you bringing me home for dinner, I remembered how nervous and anxious you were. I asked you why are you so nervous and you answered me "Its the first time I am bringing home my girlfriend to meet my family, of course I am nervous". I guess you were feeling scared too because when you bring me home, the commitment level rises as I am now known to your family members that I am your girlfriend. Even it was hard for you to take a step further in our relationship by introducing me to your family, you did it! When I think back about the small little things you did back then that didn't seemed a big thing, it is ultimately the biggest thing you've done for me and for us now.. The past few days I keep asking myself if you ever loved me because all the things that you've been saying seems to contradict with one another but now.. I have a different view and thought.. What matters to me now is knowing that you have tried in our relationship and that you did want it to work but it just didn't...

Throughout our relationship we've been seeking God and putting God in the center of our relationship because we both trust in God and his presence. I believe if we are meant to be together and if that it is God's will, we definitely would be together. If what we are going through now is part of God's plan, then this is the journey you and I both have to carry on. I will have to solve my own issues especially my OCD while you solve your commitment issues on the other hand. As for now, I really don't mind being friends with you and that I want to be your best friend. I don't know what the future holds for us but I can visualize myself being your good friend supporting you through your ordeal. I see myself as someone who will be supporting, motivating and encouraging you through your hardships in future and I am happy. If we are meant to be together like how everyone is telling me, I believe the process and journey we are going through is a necessity for us to grow as a person and that if we do get back together our relationship would be strong and solid. I also believe if I can be your good friend to support and encourage you to overcome your ordeal, by the time you have settled your issues where you can rationally examine your feelings, you will know how you feel for me. In the event if I supported and motivated you through your hardships and things just didn't work out for us then I supposed we were meant to be just good friends and that I was part of your life to help you grow just like how you helped me grow. It would be very nice if I could be your friend who supported and motivated you to overcome your commitment issues and if we ever got back together, that it would be such a blessing. It would be a blessing because of the journey we have gone through individually and coming back together as a couple.. 

I will continue to pray for the both of us.. but I will pray more for you.. for you to overcome you issues and to face your issues with courage..that God will be your pillar and anchor throughout the tough time.. 

I trust that if we love God and put God in the center of our lives, everything else will eventually fall in place.. and that includes our relationship and us...

I guess I can finally move on.. but moving on does not mean that I don't love you.. moving on just means that I have accepted us breaking up and that it is for the best.. I still love you but this is how we can be for now.. No matter what happens.. I'll always be there for you....

Day 4

I am typing this as I am at office now..
I've seen a doctor and my ribs are fractured..
I didn't expect you to text me asking me if I'm okay, really did not see it coming..
The way you texted me felt as though you still cared for me in a cold manner..
You told me to tell you if there's anything you could help..
You know at that point, I really felt like saying " Yes, there's is! That is for us to be together like how we once were".. But I know that I should not say it or it will make you more confused..
Every message that I replied, I had to think and pray for the right things to type..

This whole accident really traumatized me..
I thought of a lot of things and I want to change to someone who is more pleasant..
I want to be free of burdens of my past and to learn to let go of the past..
Maybe we both need the time to work on our own issues..
I want to be a whole new Nicole which is not defined by her past experience.. That the experience in her past will not affect her life in future but help her to grow..

Panda, I really am deeply hurt by you...
I never understand why Michelle wanted to leave Malaysia so badly and go elsewhere to study..
But I guess, I do finally understand..
Everywhere I go, I see us and I think of us..
To some people, it's call escaping but to me, it's called wanting a change of environment..
I will be applying to study at Singapore or Australia and I hope I can go..
I do wonder if I were to leave Malaysia, will I be telling you or will I tell you after I have left this place...
Maybe when.. We are really far apart...
Things would be best for the both of us..........

Day 3

Today is the first day of me going to work after our break up... It feels very different.
Everywhere I walk to, I see us, our memories that we've shared...
I saw memories of us while we were still together.. Where you would wait for me patiently until I finished work and we head back to your house together...
My life without you feels different, feels empty..
I don't know if I would ever get used to living my life without your presence..
The absence of your presence is greatly felt...

I went to the fruits stall to buy fruits today and as I was walking there, I was feeling very scared..
I didn't know if we would bump into each other.. Or if I would be able to see you...
I felt a sense of relieved when I didn't see you there...
Things would be very different if I were to meet you..
It would not be like last time where we can talk to each other and laugh..
There's no more physical intimacy; no more hugs, no more kisses and no more holding hands..
This journey for me to move on is really tough...
You gave me so much to feel for...
No matter what happens, I'll still love you with all my heart...
Up to this point, I still believe you're worth fighting for and you're so worth my love...

I cried many times in my office toilet today because all that I was thinking was you..
All the messages you've sent me since I first asked you out for lunch in June 2015 was still in my phone, I never deleted those messages..
The more I read it, the more my heart ached..
When I read back those messages you sent me when you were resting at home after your artery procedure, I cried..
You said.. you are happy and grateful that I spend my whole day with you..
You said.. you love me...
Even on Christmas Day, you told me you lava me...
I dont understand how can your feelings change within a week where you tell me you didn't really love me in a romantic way, that it was more of a brotherly-sisterly kind of love?
How can so much things change within one week?
If you say that all these while you didn't really love me in a romantic way because whenever you asked yourself if you love me, you never got an answer. If this is so, why have you been telling me that you loved me all these while?
During our two weeks time out when you wanted to be together with me again, why did you tell me that you are more sure than ever that you do care and love me? Was it all a lie?? Tell me, enlighten me, how can things change so fast???!!

I dont understand how can you be so selfish to just leave me like this..
I dont understand how can you be so irresponsible towards our relationship...

I went out with my friend today and got into an accident on a highway...
I was sitting at the passenger's seat and when the car hit a lorry, I thought I was going to die..
During the whole incident, I was thinking of all the important things in my life.. 
I was thinking about my mum, my sister, my brother, happy, my dad, my friends and you..
Do you know how important you are to me??
If I were to die today, my biggest regret in my life is not being able to overcome my OCD, not treating my family better, not patient enough with my sister and not being a better girlfriend for you..
If only I was more sensitive towards how you felt, things might have been better...
I wonder if you would even care if I got into an accident..
I wonder if you would be upset if I died today..
I wonder if you would realize your actual feelings for me if I were to die today....
I wonder if you tell me your actual feelings if I died..
I really want to know so badly about how you are actually feeling for me and our relationship..
Did you mean what you said on that night or it was just clouded with all the other emotions and fears in you???

I don't know what to say or feel now........
I just... miss you......