The Ending

I have no idea what the title of this post should be, but I guess "The Ending" sounds good :)..

Wow, reading back my own blog really gives me chills all the way to the back of my very own spine. I can't believe what I've read on my very own blog.

Past one month has been a really overwhelming month for me..

I went to Japan for a holiday and I really enjoyed my trip!! *yay for that*

But unfortunately, I had an accident where I fell in the bathtub and knocked the back of my head. Well, I was unconscious for a moment and when I woke up, I still remember the fear and the shock that I've felt then because I didn't know where and why was I there. I had to get up from the bathtub and sit on my bed quietly to gather the thoughts back and I remembered I was in Japan for a holiday.

Being the usual me, I thought it was just a fall. I mean, how bad can a fall be apart of the swelling, right? I went back to sleep and the next day when I woke up I was feeling nauseated; I had double vision and feeling very fatigue. I couldn't go for a checkup because most of the Japanese don't speak English and neither do I understand Japanese. So, I decided to wait and to do a checkup when I'm back in Malaysia.

I had high fever on the day I landed in Malaysia and the next day I realised I can't seem to remember things that has happened in the recent months. I quickly went to see a GP and she diagnosed me with concussion. She referred me to see a neurologist to get my brain checked. I did a MRI and a CT scan.  The neurologist has diagnosed me with concussion and amnesia. It's been nearly a month since the accident and I haven't felt any better. I have very bad headaches; my eye sight is really bad that I need a glasses; there's ringing sound in my ear and I can't seem to remember what I've forgotten. 

The worst part of this whole accident is not about the pain that I'm feeling but rather losing a part of myself. I've lost memories about 1-2 years of my life. I don't remember the friendships I've made over these period and the events and things I've done. I know this whole blog is about my ex boyfriend, a guy whom I used to love so much.. But, I can't even remember him now.. 

What I know about my ex boyfriend is what I read from my own blog. I guess I started writing this blog as a means of soothing my feeling .. But in the end I'm reading this blog to help me understand and remember things that has happened in my life, how ironic is it? 

Everyone told me how good it was for me not have amnesia because it's better this way. I didn't understand why until I decided to read my very own blog.. My good friend told me I had a blog and it's all about my ex boyfriend... I finally decide to read on this guy whom I have no memories of. I guess I finally understood why everyone said it was good. Reading my very own blog, I can feel the pain, sadness and anger in it. I don't feel angry or sad at you now because there's nothing to be sad about instead I found it funny.. I never imagined how I would ever allow myself to love someone to that very extent. I frankly don't remember and I can't remember how it felt. 

People have been telling me how good it is to have amnesia because I get to have a second first impression on people.. Well, my second first impression on my ex boyfriend is bad. Why? Just shortly after I've been diagnosed with amnesia I've received two screenshot messages of you and another party. The things that you talk about and the things you are capable of saying makes me sick. I don't care how much I loved you but at this very moment, you make me sick. 

One of the saddest thing for my mum and friends that I've met in church would probably be how I don't remember the connection between me and God. The Nicole now don't feel that it is important going to church and it isn't a priority to me. This could be because I have regressed back to two years ago where I stopped attending church. I don't know if I would ever get the same feeling going to church again like how I once felt back then. Friends that I've made in church are trying hard to help me remember the times I've shared with them and the things I've done with them.. But the more they do that, the more they treat me as the Nicole I once was, it gets me stressed. I feel bad for not remembering them; for not remembering people I once value so much as a friend.. I guess this is something that I can't seem to face and bear at the moment and decided to explore and try some other churches. I don't know if I could find that passion and love I once had for church and for God but I hope I would be able to find the Nicole everyone once knew. Maybe like what Michelle said, I should have a new start. I should make more friends and get to know more people and also reconnect with the people I've forgotten.. To take things one step at a time and not pressurize myself... Whatever my reason was to stay in my previous church, it could be because of my ex boyfriend or the people in the church.. But it isn't important anymore because I don't remember them and that I should have a new start and a new life... 

Amnesia has taken a part of me away.. All the life experiences that I've learned over the years is just gone in a blink of an eye..

Although it really hurts me and the people I've forgotten, I will just have to live my life now..

If my memories are meant to come back, it would eventually... 

I've tried too hard to remember events that has occurred which caused me much headache and I just don't want to inflict more pain on myself..

I'll just be a brand new Nicole to everyone including myself...

Be the best that I can... 

As for you, my ex boyfriend... 

I don't know you anymore and I really don't want to know you anymore.

Frankly speaking, if you stand right in front of me now, I probably won't even recognize you..

Well, reading on the things I've wrote about you... You seem to be a pretty decent guy or maybe I was blinded and bias with my very own judgement because I was in love with you..

I'm just curious to why I would fall for you so deeply and allowed you to hurt me so much.. But despite how you've hurt me, I still loved you.. I really don't get that. I guess to fully understand that, I would have to ask the me back then. I don't know if my memories would ever come back but I do hope it will come back.. Maybe there was a lot of unhappiness after the break up between us, but I'm sure I would have learnt a lot from this whole relationship that I once felt so much for. Also, I would really want to remember the friendships I've shared and made over the past year and to remember my very own relationship with God. 

The ending for this blog, for us: 

You lead your life, I'll lead mine..

You live your life, I'll live mine..

You go your way, I'll go mine..

We will walk on our very seperate paths...

Whether we'll ever meet again, I don't know... 

Even if we do, it'll be better not to talk..

Whatever we may be, I won't know..

If we're meant to be in each other lives as friends or anything else, it'll be God who would decide and lead us..

Till then.....

Goodbye ex boyfriend.....

Day 89

In the last three months, many people have been telling me how mean, selfish and confused you are.. But everytime someone says something like this, I will brush it away with an excuse for every action of yours... I will always find a reason and excuse behind every action you do and I somehow did not realise it....

I stumbled across a video you sent me when we were still together, a video of morning devotion at your clinic.. I watched the video; watched you strumming the guitar; watched you singing... It reminded me of everything I loved about you when we were together... Half way through the video, tears started streaming down my face.. I looked at you in the picture and said "you did hurt me"... 

I cried even more.....

At that very moment I realized that all these while I did find excuses and reasons behind all of your actions... Some people would even ask me "Nicole, why are you trying to reason his actions that has hurt you, why are you trying to protect him ? Why are you telling yourself that this is just an unfortunate event and not him hurting you"... 

The fact is.... I'm not like what they said... I didn't find excuses or reasons behind your actions to protect you from being blamed for hurting me.... 

The reason I did what I did was because of me... I was protecting myself... I was being selfish.... 

I didn't want to accept the fact that the guy whom I loved so much ended a relationship that I truly cherished and valued.... 

I rather lie and make myself believe that there was a 1001 reasons that forced you into a decision of leaving me.. And that if you could, you would never have left me.:: 

It's how I make myself believe that you had to leave and not you wanting to leave.......

I didn't want myself to believe that you did actually hurt me by leaving me.:::: 

I never want to accept the fact that you did hurt me because I never once thought you would ever hurt me... 

Now that I have come to terms with my own emotions, I'm feeling messed up....

Maybe why i could face you all these while was because I never believed or accepted the fact that my heart was hurt by you.. That whatever that has happened to our relationship was not an unfortunate event or you being forced to end it... But rather it's you wanting to leave me because you're happier without me.........

I guess... I can't talk or face you anymore....

Simply because..... Facing a guy whom I once loved so much but has hurt me so deeply is tough... 

I... Can't face you anymore...

But.... I know even if I don't see you anymore ... It doesn't affect you in any way....

Day 87

I've been sick for the past three weeks but it's just getting worse now..
I feel so weak, miserable and emotional.....
I told myself to be strong and happy because I deserved to..
I told myself you were not worth my time and love because you were simply never into me ..if you were, you wouldn't have let me go...
It's like if I were to question myself and ask if I would ever want to leave you back then... I don't even have to think to answer that question because I knew how I truly loved you and living my life without you will be the last thing I ever wanna do... No matter how hard the situation may be, I will still hold on to you because I love you enough to not let you slipped away...
You on the other hand just  chose to leave me for whatever reason it is.. But one thing sure is, you were never into me if you were you wouldn't have let me go...
I'm crying as im typing this simply because I'm feeling very emotional now.... You would care about other people who is sick but you wouldn't care if I'm sick anymore... You said we were still friends but the fact is we are strangers now....

I'm feeling so sick that I've been sleeping very early for the past two days...
I woke up this morning dreaming about you..
I dreamt of you texting me asking if I was feeling better...
The dream was a dream I never want to wake up from because you cared about me in the dream.... You were concerned and you cared even if it was just a friendly thing to do rather than how you are towards me now, cold and treating me like I am a stranger...
At this very moment, I just want want to be in your arms and only yours...
I remembered last year when I was sick, you came to find me to make sure I was fine...
I recalled how you told me back then that you would be my charging station when I'm feeling tired, weak or sad... You'll give me the power to go through everything and anything...
The funny thing is you are still the one and only one who could give me such feeling....

Someone told me how you were being really mean and harsh to me after us breaking up...
How you didn't care bout how I feel or rather you proritizing your own feelings...
How you said we were still friends but acting like strangers around me and being very cold to me....
You told me you're finding your own space, I understand that...
You said you were not only avoiding me but also avoiding the group.. But somehow I think it's more of you avoiding me because of how you act in front of me... How you were disappointed and uncomfortable that I went for the board games session at center point.. It kinda hurts because it feels like I'm such a terrible person to be around that you felt so uncomfortable...
Maybe I'm such a terrible person to be around that seeing my pictures on Instagram and Facebook became a problem to you too...
What am I to you?? Friends? Church members? Or just strangers......

Despite whatever that was done or said...
I just miss you....
I just want to be hugged by you....
I just want to be loved by you....
But...  It's never gonna be possible....
You know, I really hate myself....
One moment I feel like telling you how I still feel for you but the next moment I don't want you to know....
One moment I feel like hugging you but I know I can't anymore....

Panda, I find one of the purest form of love is praying for someone without them knowing...
I've been praying for you and always have been...
I told God that I still feel for you but I know that loving someone is not about myself is about the other person, in this case it's you...
I prayed that if you are dating now, I hope that you would find your own happiness and be happy with that girl...
I would be lying if I said I won't be sad, of course I would but maybe just for a short while....
It's easier said than done when I say that I would be happy for you if being happy for you means being with someone else...
It's hard to do but im learning... Ultimately when you love someone, you just want them to be happy....
I want you to be happy...
People said... Being in love is learning how to love that one person the right way and I'm still in the midst of learning.....
I'm learning how to love you from afar because this is all I can do for now......

I really miss you, panda🐼...
If there's one thing I could wish for that would come true now, it would be me being in your arms......

Day 71

You have decided to unfollow me on Instagram today and I wonder why....
You unfollowed me and that girl from Flingstones...
I guess I wasn't so shocked over you unfollowing me on Instagram but I was really shocked with you unfollowing her.. Afterall, you thought she was really cute and you wanted to date her out...
I'm left being puzzled...

I thought I would be devastated or at least I would start crying knowing the fact that you have stopped following me on Instagram but somehow I didn't cry....
But I really wonder why did you have to unfollow me....
Did my post bother you? Or did you feel uncomfortable by looking at my pictures?
Your actions by unfollowing me on social media seemed like something I would do after a break up, feels like you're trying to move on from the broken relationship... But I thought you've moved on a long time ago...?
I have many thoughts on my mind to why you had to unfollow me but I really wouldn't know the actual reason because I'm not you....

The reasons that I can think of is:
1. You realised you haven't moved on from the relationship and that you need to move on now knowing that I've already moved on.
2. Whatever I post on Instagram bothers and affect you to some extent... But I don't understand why..
3. You realised the only way for us to completely get going in our own lives is to have a clear cut...

There are more reasons... But... Oh well.....

Day 69

Today has been a rather emotional day for me....
I heard you asked if I went out with my boyfriend yesterday as well as you met a pretty lawyer.. I guess I should congratulate you?
My feelings was very mixed today...
I wonder why would you make such a statement of me going out with my so called boyfriend... It feels like you are curious to know if I have a boyfriend now.. But the question is why would you want to know or care??
Yinli has been trying to arrange badminton sessions for this coming week but I heard that you've got plans on and that you can't make it.. But honestly, it's obvious that you're avoiding me... Just a week ago you told us to ask you to join for any hiking session as you're interested and a week later when we asked, you gave excuses to not go...
I'm pretty sure I'm not wrong that you're avoiding me... But I don't know the reason behind this...
You might have just decided to avoid me completely in order for us to really have a clean cut and that nothing is left in between us..

There are 3 things we've said we would do together but we will never have the opportunity to do it...
1. Kungfu Panda 3
2. Cameron Highland
3. Genting New Theme Park

There are a lot of guys who asked me out to watch Kungfu Panda 3 with them.. Of all the  movies, they wanted me to watch this with them.... But this is something we were supposed to do together so I refused to watch this movie with any of them... I didn't want to do something we were supposed to do with another guy, it's just wrong... So..
I went to watch Kungfu Panda 3 today with Sammy and her boyfriend...
The movie was really entertaining and funny but... As entertaining as it may be, I cried as I was watching it.....
I was laughing.. Then crying... And then laughing again.... And crying again.....
All that was on my mind was if you were here, it would've been perfect....
Some of the part in the movies which was really funny, I could picture in my mind the way you would laugh... The really happy kind of laugh from you..... It felt as though I could hear you laughing at the back of my mind.....

I know you think that Ive probably moved on with someone else or at least I've already moved on from our broken relarionship and from you...
But hey... Just look where I am now... Im stucked ......
I think about you every single day.. I think about our memories and times we shared every day...
Just how am I gonna move on as easy as you think it might be for me?
If only if moving on was something so easy, I would've been much happier now...

Few days ago I just realised that I have been suppressing my inner feelings about you and us...
In front of the whole world and especially in front of you, I appear to be very happy and cheerful.. But deep inside me, I am feeling empty..
I am...depressed but.. I'm managing it.....
Everytime when I'm around you or around our mutual friends, I'll appear to be super happy...
I'm not doing this to make you feel better but it's for me to feel better about myself...
It's easier to fake a smile then to answer questions from people to why I'm unhappy....
The moment I leave Homes or my friends, my facial expression would immediate change...
The emptiness in my heart will slowly creep in......

I wish you all the best in your dates or any new relarionship you're gonna be in....
But as for me, it's gonna take awhile more to grip hold of  myself and to be ready for another relationship...
I am afraid of loving again..... I am truly scared....
If loving someone is so painful,  I would rather not love anymore in the future....
But whatever it is, I'm gonna leave it to God ....
Hoping that God would guide us to wherever or whoever we should be for His glory and for the best of us.....

Just how long more before I can stop missing you....?

Day 64

It's been two months plus since we've broken up.. How are you doing? I guess you're pretty much fine from what I can see...
It's funny how you think I've moved on so well but the fact is im still stucked here.. I'm not stagnant but I'm still in the midst of moving on, getting over you...
At times I wonder If I would ever get over you.. We weren't in a relationship for a very long period but you gave me a lot to remember.. There are things that I never want to forget about you because it still means a lot to me as of now....

You're the light, you're the night...
You're the color of my blood...
You're the cure, you're the pain..
You're the only thing I wanna touch...
Never knew that you could mean so much......

Everytime when I bump into you or when I see you, you tend to ask me a lot of weird questions..
You like asking me if I'm dating or if there are guys after me now..
I always wonder how or why it would still matter to you because it seemed like you don't care about how I feel anymore...
Everytime when you talk to me and gently pat my arms and shoulders, it feels weird...
It's like a touch that seemed so familiar yet unfamiliar...
It's like a touch I still long for but I know I shoudlnt have it anymore....
At times I still feel your touch in my dreams and I hope it'll last....

Many people are telling me how I should stop loving you or being obsessed about you...
They told me I should be crazy over a guy who would be crazy over me too....
I just can't seem to bring myself to do it...
There's just a very strong feeling of you still lingering in me..
I don't know why but it just feels like I should just stay here and wait for you...
I know how everyone would say I'm being stupid for still having feelings for you but it's just something I myself cannot explain to myself..
I don't know why I would feel for you so deeply or why I still won't give up on you....
I know I should stop being obsessed over you and start noticing the people around me, something that you would do too....

I don't know if I'm being blessed by the people around me but..this month alone there are a few guys who have told me how much they liked me and how deep they felt for me...
Given the old Nicole a few years ago, I would have started dating or being in a relationship with those guys because it would be the easiest way of moving on; focusing on other people...
But the Nicole now.. Just don't want to do things the way she did before..
If I'm going to move on from you, getting over you.. It will have to be me going through the process of grieving and finally deciding to let go of you..
I don't wanna rebound neither do I want to hurt the guys around me.....
There are some nice guys who would tell me how they would wait for me until I have finally moved on from you before pursuing me... And how they would stand by my side, listening to me talking about you....
I'm truly blessed but I feel bad.... Because I know how much it hurts listening to someone you like/love talking about someone else....

I'm not afraid that I can't find someone whom will love me and treat me right...
But... I'm afraid that I can't find someone whom I will love with all my heart like how I loved you....

I really feel the urge of wanting to hug you but I know I cant....
I will never be able to wrap myself around your arms...
I will never be able to lean on your shoulders to cry..
I will never be able to hold onto your arms...
I will never be able to smile and talk to you like how I usually would..
I will never be able to sleep in your arms...
I will never be able to talk to you over the phone...
I will never be able to watch tv series together....
I will never be able to share with you my new hobby......

There are so many more things that I would wanna do with you, to share with you...
But I can never share with you because we will never be the same as before...
Someone told me even if we were ever gonna be together, we will still have to start from scratch because the foundation is broken....
It's not about fixing the relationship that has been broken but instead it's about creating something better....
But... I doubt we would have anything more than friends given the seperate ways we are going......

Day 56

I have stopped blocking for the past 22 days because I thought I have recovered ... 

The fact is I have not and I don't know if I would ever recover....

When I was already recovering from the break up and from you blocking me on whatsapp... You decided to unblock me on Chinese New Year.. You whaysapp and Facebook messaged me.. I didn't respond because I wanted to keep a distance with you.... 

You know, that day when Michelle left to Australia, I was really sad... Guys who are hitting on me wanted to be there by my side to make sure I'm fine... But.. I didn't want any of them to ne there for me because all I ever wanted was you... It would be much easier for me to go through the sadness with those guys around... They would provide me the emotional support that I need to cope with the things that has happened but... All I wanted was you..... That night when Michelle left to Australia, I drove outside your house and parked at the same spot... I cried so badly in the car wanting to feel your arms around me again... I wanted you to be there and to provide me the emotional support that I need... Being outside your house somehow made me feel calm, I feel you near me..... 

Just when I think I was coping well with our break up and that I could treat you like a friend... You initiated brunch and a board game session with me and Yinli .. I guess it's because you thought that I was going to leave to UK for my studies, so you wanted things to be more normal for us.. We went for lunch at Flingstones and you actually asked me on ways to date a girl out because you thought that girl who was working there was cute.... Don't you think its stupid to ask your ex girlfriend on ways to date another girl out? How insensitive can you be?! I was mad and angry because I still love you... It hurt me a lot..... I refused to answer you so you asked Yinli instead.. She told you on ways to find that girl through Instragram... You told me you were just joking about that girl but you eventually did take the effort to find her Instagram and follow her.. It certainly didn't seem like a joke to me... 

That day you even interrogated me on my relationship with Samuel...

Why would you want to know? Is it important? 

You keep telling me how happy you are for Samuel and I if we were together.. But do you know the way you said it sounded very bitter? 

You even asked me if it was too fast for me to start dating again...

You wanted to give me a goodbye hug on that day but I told you not to touch me...

The fact is... I truly wanted to be in your arms again but I cant... It would just tear me down even more...

You said I am moving on well, but do you know how I am actually coping with this whole thing? 

I break down very often, I think about you very often... And... You are all that's on my mind...

I will never wake up a day without thinking about you and I would never go to sleep a night without thinking of you.... 

I joined church choir because Yinli wanted to join and I was shocked when I was told that you were also joining...

That day when we had the choir practice, you wore the shirt I bought for you...

Why did you wear it in front of me?? 

It brought back a lot of memories.. I remembered how we exchanged our gifts and the look on your face, it was everything I would want to remember..... 

After the practice you tried talking to me and you even tried to look at my phone; wanted to know who I was smsing... Why is it important?? 

Today we had our church anniversary and I thought I would be fine...

You looked great today but I just couldn't bring myself to compliment your appearance... But you came to me and said I look great....

While we were having our breakfast, we chatted for awhile about the board games you played yesterday.. And you asked me if hiking is my new hobby.... 

I just feel like you're still interested to know what's going on in my life and that you still care.... 

I don't know why I'm feeling so depressed now...

I don't know what I can do to recover and to heal from you ....

I just feel so overwhelmed now.... 

It feels really weird that we didn't have lunch together because back then we would.... It's an entirely different feeling....

I guess God wants me to be honest with my feeling that I was stirred by the word of Pastor Kenneth.. He said through Christ, all broken relationships and marriages can be reconciled... Then I asked myself if we could ever reconcile... I even cried at church today because I was just feeling so overwhelmed... 

That is when I realised I was not being honest with myself about my feelings towards you....

Today I was finally honest with my own feelings about you and us... 

I'm not over you and it would take a very long time for me to get over you...

I've had many relationships in the past but you are my first love... You are the first guy whom I truly loved.... 

I know to you right now, you think I've moved on from you and that I am probably dating Samuel.. But.... I'm not dating him... He's just trying to be there for me... 

It's been two months since our break up and I still can't seem to move on from you.... 

There's only one thing that I know right now... Despite of how you've hurt me, you are still perfect in my eyes and I still love you with all my heart for who you are....

I think I need to be completely away from you...

Time to work on myself and to completely heal....

I hope I can control myself from wanting to see or text you....

I would skip church, homes and board games for the time being...

Whatever we may be in future, whether it's friends or lovers again...

We will need a clean break to start the foundation of friendship again.....

I need this........

I... Miss you..........

Day 34

I looked back at our photos today and surprisingly I didn't cry...
I think I'm starting to learn how to move on..
Moving on doesn't mean forgetting but it's just me choosing happiness over sadness for now....

I didn't do much today except going out for dinner with a guy..
Well, to me it was more of a friendly dinner outing and it's not a date to me...
Somehow, it still felt a little awkward...
I think I'm just not ready to be around any guys now because all I would be thinking is you...

I went for board games with Gareth's group today..
It was quite fun!! I played Spartacus...
They were all friendly and nice.....
I think I did okay for the game.... It would be so nice if I could share my gaming experience with you..
I used to play board games for you because I know how much you love and enjoy playing board game.. But know I olay it for myself because me myself is starting to love board games too...
It's not just the interaction and communication among friends but we could also relate board games to our real life.... I wished I could tell you how much I enjoy playing board games now....

Recently there were many prayer request on our homes group chat... The latest prayer request was for me...
If I were to compare your reply for the other homies prayer request, you empathize and you wrote a longer message... But when the request is for me is was short and simple or simply a thumbs up..
It got me thinking if you really hated me this much that replying a few additional words would be so difficult...
Maybe you just don't want to have anything to do with me anymore.....

I prayed to God today and I told God that I would submit or relationship to Him...
I prayed that whatever we may be in future would be for His glory and would be what He wants us to be....
I immediately felt a sense of relieved in me, like a burden lifted from my shoulder...
I'll move on for now and hope the best for us in future whether it's friends or something more......

Day 33

Today is the 4th day of me vomiting, it feels terrible.

I went to clinic wanting to see Dr Leong but she had patients waiting and I felt like vomiting, so I had to see you...

I think you were feeling awkward to see me and I guess I was also feeling the same.... I didn't even dare to look at you in the eye...

You told me that you will be giving me an injection and I gave you the horrified look.. You said I needed it and that it would be better than taking tablets..
Before you injected me, I was already scared... The moment you injected me and I gave that painful sound, I could see from the corner of my eyes that you looked at me...
Before I left your clinic, you told me to take care of myself..
It got me wondering if you do care about me still...
If I were to be admitted into hospital, would you come to visit me like I did for you back then?

I went to check what was wrong with me and doctor told me I have an ulcer in my stomach...
Maybe the gastritis I had long time ago developed into an ulcer...
If I don't take care of the ulcer and if it bleeds, it could be cancerous...
I'm actually scared and wondering where are you when I needed you most.....
And I realised things wouldn't be the same anymore, you're gone and never coming back to me....

What hurts the most was being being so close and having so much to say, watching you walk away..
Never knowing what could have been for us...
If only we could have fight harder for us, our relationship....
You seemed to have moved on miles away from our broken relationship with all your happy post in Facebook while I'm still stuck here...
All I hope is for us to be friends again, to be able to eat together and to play board games together...
Losing you as a friends was the most painful thing that could've ever happened....

I still think of you every now and then...
There's alot of happy memories ..
Sometimes too much that I can't deal with the pain.....
I just miss you a lot....

Day 31

It has been exactly one month since we broke up, I wonder how things are for you..
Things aren't too good for me in this past one month because too many things happened to me...
We broke up, I got abused and I lost you as a friend..
If only we could be friends again and I'll be really happy....

I've got gastritis and I've been vomiting for the past two days..
Somehow today I decided to read through our sms from the day I messaged you when I started working at HSBC...
After reading all the messages, I realized we texted most when we were good friends and our messages reduce as we went further into the relationship..
I would assume this happened because the longer we are in the relationship, the more commitment is required and it gives you stress....
As a bf you will feel obligated to care and support me but this indirectly gave you stress as well because you just don't know how to handle this relationship because of both our issues...
I have baggages from the past while you have issues that are affecting you in the present so it's hard to work things out...
The closer we got, the further you are from me...
The deeper and longer we got into our relationship, you were pulling yourself away from me..
I never realised this until I read back all our messages...
When we were friends, you will text me a lot...
There'll be lame jokes as well as caring about me...
While we were together, messages were reduced...
Thinking about it I'm quite stupid, if only I was a little more sensitive, I would've realised and talk to you about it... And I would probably be able to understand you more and the issue that is underlying in you....

After I saw a doctor today for some reason I drove to the train station and parked there..
I walked through the normal path we used to walked down together, reminiscing our times together...
I saw your car and walked to your car having a mixed feeling...
It used to be a very familiar car and all of a sudden it felt unfamiliar....
I looked at the passenger seat where I always seat and thought back about the times I sat there chatting with you...
I then walked towards the driver seat and touched the door handle, it felt like I was touching your hand...
It's ironic and stupid to say it felt like I was touching your hand.. But it did feel that way...
That's a handle you'll always touched...
I went back to my car and sat in the car crying...
I couldn't stopped thinking how in love we once were and we ended up like strangers now...
There's still a glimpse of hope in me for us to be together in future but I won't expect it to happen..
Maybe I still hope because our relationship didn't end on bad terms rather it had to end because of the issues we had to caused us to not being able to work on the feelings and our relationship....
I really hope we could start things off as friends again because I never want to lose you....

It's been one month apart, how are you feelings about this?
Do you still think of me, of us?
Do you still hope we could work things out in future?
Do you still have feelings for me?
Do you wonder how im doing?
People once told me that after being apart from one another.. You'll either realised that you really miss and love the person or you would realised that the person didn't matter at all because you don't feel a thing losing him/her.. Now that we're apart, what have you realised? Do you miss me or it's the other way where you realised I'm not that important after all?

I really wanted to wait for you to finish work and hug you...
I really feel like hugging you so badly but I know I can't and I shouldn't so I left....
I really miss you...
The withdrawal effect is really bad.....
It's been a month since I last felt you, last held your hand, last hugged you as a gf and last kissed you...
I just miss everything about you...
The good or the bad side of you, I accept it and I love you for who you are...
I love you just the way you are.......

Day 30

I can't believe I vomited 3 times in an hour today, it was really bad..
If we were still together, you would've texted me to asked how I was feeling...
It's been almost a month since we broke up and two weeks since you blocked me..
How are you getting on in your life?
My life has been dull without your lame jokes and activities with you...

People told me to move on that you are not worth my time and that you are a terrible guy..
The said the right thing for me to do is cutting you out completely and doing the things I should do to make myself happy... They said I shouldn't be sad over you and whatever im feeling now should be stopped....
Well, love is irrational...
A lot of the times we know what we should do or what should be done but we never make those choices simply because we are emotional with whatever that is happening..
We are only human, there's a limit to everything that we can handle and bear...
I know the right thing for me to do now is not talk to you, stop loving you and stop caring about whatever is happening or going to happen to you.... This are the rational things that I should be doing now..
But I can't help to feel sad because we are no longer together..
Everything that we've gone through, the memories we shared and the effort we put to nurture the relationship is all gone..
If we could go through all the issues together and not give up, we would have a very strong relationship..
I know what I should and shouldnt do but when you're in love, everything becomes irrational...
Some people would say when you're in a relationship, don't pour your heart out because if the relationship don't work out then you wouldn't be so hurt..
If you really love someone you won't bother about this because all you want is to pour your heart out loving the person the right way and wanting the person to be happy...
Sone people would do anything just to make the other party happy even if it means to hurt your ownselves.. They are not stupid, the are just irrationally, irrationally in love.

I'm deeply in love with you, no doubt to that..
I know how I should stop thinking of you and everything because it's for my own good, for me to move on easier..
I know I should stop caring about you because you don't need my care anymore..
I know I should stop missing you because missing you makes things harder for me..
I know I should stop loving you because loving you right now hurts me..
To let go and not love someone whom you truly love is nearly impossible..
It takes a period of time to adjust and to slowly let the feelings fade....
I know all the right things that I should be doing now but I'm just so emotional over everything that has happened that I can't bring myself doing all the rational things..
All the feelings in feeling and all the things I'm doing is irrational ..
Love is irrational...
Love is a mixture of different emotions going up and down like a roller coaster..
It's fun, exciting, happy but it can also be scary...

You know, I do wonder if I would ever receive a text message from you ever again...
I really miss you a lot....
I don't need  much from you, all I needed was to be in your arms...
The greatest gift you've even given me was the 134 days of your life... The time we spent, the memories we build and the love me once had for each other..
Nothing is going to take that away...
After all the ups and downs and how you hurt me.. Didn't thought I would say this again but...
Panda, I Lava You....

Doraemon misses Panda a lot... She wants to hug him so tightly and giving him a kiss on his cheeks...
Doraemon lava Panda...
Huggles....

Day 29

I played 7 Wonders many times today at Port Dickson and I honestly never got bored or  tired of it...
It was really fun as I kept building my science building and no one stopped me! I got 38 points just from science.. I was very excited! If we were still together I would've send you the photo of my wonder, you'll be so proud of me!!
Any board games that I play reminds me of you, like literally anything....

Everything about us felt so different now.. We can't even talk or say hi in a proper manner, it's really hard to get used to it..
We used to be able to talk a lot even as friends....
But now.. We can't talk or do anything.......
I really miss you......

Sam and the guy got together already, I'm very happy for her but I'm emo-ing...
If we were still together, we could've gone out together, just the 4 of us...
We coudive gone on couple trips just us...
We could've acheieved many many things... But unfortunately everything had to come to an end....

I started thinking how other couples have much more serious issues but is willing to work it out and fight for the relationship.... But for us.. We just had to stop because you didn't want it anymore...
Why is it so hard to fight for me? For us?
Back then we still had feelings for each other, we could've work on our feelings and on the relarionship... But you didn't want because you were emotionally drained and tired... You didn't have the commitment to work issues out between us... Every issue that came in between us became a reason for you to leave me because all you thought was how different you and I are both wired...
In general, girls and guys and wired differently in their thinking and perception.. It's how we compromise and overcome the differences... It requires effort and commitment....
If only we could've done more for our relationship, we might still be together now....

I'm leaving soon.. How would things be for us??
Will there be a U-turn for us in future??
If we were meant to be together and if I chose to leave, would it be like what WF said that nothing would happen within the period that I'm away? Or I would've killed all hopes?
Are we ever meant to be together??
Sigh , only God knows the answer.....

I just have a feeling that I'll always love you in a special way even after moving on..
I don't know how to explain it...
I believe that if we are meant to be together,  God will preserve our feelings in us...
And if we're not... Maybe someone better is waiting for us out there...
I'm learning to obey and honour God in everything that I do...
When I place God first, everything else including us will fall into place..
Whether we will be strangers, friends, best friends or lovers  will be in God's favor and for the glory of Him......

I'm learning how to take one step at a time and to slowly recover from the pain in me..
Every little step that I take will be a progress as long as I'm moving forward, right?

Day 28

There are people telling me that you've not been attending the 8am service and I've not been seeing you at the 4pm service, I guess you probably changed church or visited your friends church.
Sigh... I won't be seeing you anymore until maybe years later...
I'll always miss you..

During the prayer time at church today Wenni cried while she was praying for me and I cried too..
I don't know how to describe the feeling, it was just a very sad feeling..
I left church early to Port Dickson today and during the journey I was thinking of you..
I remembered how you told me you wanted to go on a road trip with me and just the both of us after our two weeks timeout.. Sadly, it never happened and it will not happen..
Everything I did reminded me of you...
I took a walk on the beach and thought how romantic and sweet it'll be if we could stroll down the beach hands in hands together...
The pain of losing you and losing us is still very real.....
I really don't know how am I gonna stop loving you...

Everytime when I think of you and us, my heart aches..
I really love you and nothing will change that....
Even if I've moved on with someone else in future, you will always have a special place in my heart....
There are a lot of happy times in our relationship... There's a lot to remember and a lot to cherish..

You know, I wished we were still together even though I know it's not possible...
I wished you were still my little panda..........

Day 27

The big day has finally arrived, my farewell...
Wow... It was a really scary day for me.....
As I was driving to Taipan today, I was feeling very anxious.. There was mixed emotions in me, I was feeling happy, sad and anxious...
I didn't know how I would react seeing you because I just don't know how or what I'm feeling anymore.. It's just so weird to me that you're blocking me on whatsapp but you're coming for my farewell.. It doesn't make sense.
When I saw you walking in, I went to the toilet and looked myself in the mirror..
I told myself "Nicole, you can do this.. You won't question him anything and you will just enjoy the brunch"..
Then when I walked back out to seat, you said hi to me...
As we were eating and talking, you were trying to talk to me..
I didn't understand why you would talk to me..
We talked a little bit here and there and that's about it....
Things were very different for ne because I couldn't talk to you like how I used to anymore, not even as friends..

We parked our car at the same carpark and when we were at the carpark, I couldn't find my car and told you and WF to leave first.. You said it's okay and that you will help me to find my car... It felt weird because it's not your obligation to make sure I find my car.. I don't mean that you are caring about me in a special way but any friends would probably help me to find my car.. It's just that to me, we are no longer friends...
When I found my car I looked at the both of you and said " See you when I see you"..
You told me you were going to Meeples, I was like... Felling a bit weird..
You knew that I was going to Meeples to play my tournament but you still chose to go Meeples to get your gnes while I'm there...
I mean you blocking me on whatsapp basically means you want no communication, so why are you buying the game knowing I'm there.. It just feels strange..
After registering myself at Meeples, I went down wanting to buy water and I saw WF in the car...
I talked to WF a bit and he just said he thinks I collected myself very well.. I told him how I hated myself back then for simply lashing out at people and that's when I told myself this isn't my normal self and that I will collect the pieces of me back...

I'm just happy that I didn't go crazy bombarding you with questions..
I felt like I handled the situation well and I guess that's what matters....

Sigh I almost won 7 wonders tournament!!!! I did badly in the last round...
If I did okay in the last round I would be top 3 instead of top 4...
Oh well, I just have to accept it.......
I texted the Farewell group saying I got 4th place and that I didnt win.. I didn't exoect you to reply saying I did well since I got 4th place out of 13 people...
I didn't know what to reply so I ignored the message....

Today a guy hugged me and I literally stoned..
I don't think I'm ready for any of this at the moment...
I'm not close with that guy so when he hugged me and it felt weird...
I'm having this withdrawal effect from you so being hugged by a guy would ease my withdrawal effect.. It did ease my pain but it felt weird... He just hugged me and I just stoned without hugging him in return...
I've been distancing myself with guys around me because I just didn't want to be like how I used to be.. I didn't want to use other guys that was hitting on me to get over the broken relationship.. Sure it would help ease my pain but that isn't the right way... It really isn't...
I think I'm old and mature enough to handle the pain that's in me without relying and using other guys to help me ease the pain..
I'm not going to date until I've gotten over you and that I've recovered......
I don't mind meeting new guy friends and be friends but nothing more than that for now and I'll just see where things lead me to after I can finally date again....

Day 26

I guess you didn't go to work today as I didn't see your car at the train station and you posted a sick status on Facebook.

If we were still together, I would've gone over to visit you after work..

If we were still together I'll be texting you to ask if you were okay.. 

If we were still together, I would be showering you with lots of care and love....
I hope you are feeling better and not being super sick..
You seldom get sick but once you're sick, you're really sick..
I'm just worried about you...

I am going through a period of withdrawal effects.. 

The withdrawal of not being able to hug you and to be hugged in return...

You are a very huggy person, you hugged me a lot back then..

Whether it's on our date, special occasions on even after lunch at work, you would hug me...

Now that I'm not being able to hug and be hugged, it just feel weird...

I feel like I have the need hug and be hugged, it's a very strong feeling..

But that's something you can't offer me anymore..

I can find some other guys to give me a platonic hug but it just wouldn't be right because I'd feel terrible for using them to give me something to make me feel better, something that would ease my pain of withdrawal effects..

All I can do to help myself with the withdrawal effects is to hug my girl friends but it definitely wouldn't be the same as me being hugged by you... 

Whenever you hug me, there's a certain way of you holding me in your arms and how you would brush my hair to one side..

It will never be the same hugging or being hug by other people because you're just so very special... 

It's really hard to get through this period because it just makes ne long for your touch and hug...

All I want is to be able to hold your hands, to hug you from behind and to kiss you... But I can't anymore.....

It's really tough....
I do wonder if you would feel the same withdrawal effects that I'm feeling...
Or... You probably didn't have such withdrawal effects...sigh.............

Day 25

I was feeling much better today, I didn't feel so much anger and hatred in me. All those negative feelings was slowly subsiding and I could tell that I was recovering....
All that was on my mind today was how have you been and how are you doing.
I still care for you a lot and I really do hope that you are doing fine...
I really miss you....

I still do wonder if you miss me... Or if you still had feelings for me...
Many people told me that even if you still love me, you wouldn't know because you're confused and that you wouldn't want to know because you just want to escape..
I really... Don't know...
It's rather an emotional day today cause all that I had on my mind was you and only you....

I just.... Miss you a lot....

Day 24

I didn't sleep too well last night too..
I'm on leave today but I couldn't sleep pass 8am..

I went to see the counselor today at 4pm and I was really anxious and nervous. It reminded me of the time I had depression and had to see a psychiatrist. It wasn't a very pleasant feeling but I guess I really needed help to make sure I do not fall into the pit again.
She was a very nice lady and she told me somehow she sense a strength in me that would pull me through this. I guess I got the strength from my mum; her strength has rubbed into me and that made me who I am today.
The counselor asked me a question which I didn't know how to answer. She asked me where did I get the courage to talk to you normally when I met you in the hospital the other day. I paused and thought for a bit and I really didn't know where I got the courage from.
Thinking back about how you hurt me but I could still pull myself to talk to you normally, I then realized I am strong.
You are a guy whom I truly loved.. Recalling the issues and incidents that took place in between us was heart breaking..

1) You wanted a two weeks timeout and told me you were leaning towards being friends when I was having depression.
2) We got back together and you told me you are more sure than ever that you do indeed love and sayang me.
3) You were admitted into the hospital and I spent my holidays with you, taking care of you. It didn't feel tiring at all, in fact it felt great because I was part of your tough journey.
4) You broke up with me stating that you didn't really love me and I later found out you had deeper issues in you such as your commitment issue.
5) We managed to become friends after the break up and things were getting better as I became emotionally stable.
6) My crazy ex did all those crazy stuff that made me felt terrible about myself ..
7) You couldn't stand what was going on and for your own safety, you decided to leave me there and then.
8) You completely cut me off your life and left me feeling devastated and lost again. Before I could grip hold of myself after what my ex did, you rejected me as a friend and I fell into a deeper hole which I don't see any way to get out of it.

The counselor told me that she can see how much I love you and how all these incidents can affect me so badly.. She commented that despite of how you hurt me and disappoint me, I could still talk to you like normal and that requires a lot of courage and strength. If it was other girls, they would have just ignore or just leave but I somehow managed to talk to you like normal. Thinking back I really didn't know how I did it. Given the circumstances now, I don't think I'll be able to do it when I see you on Saturday.
Now that I'm a little more calm and when I think of what has happened in this short span of time, how I was hurt; how I was emotional; how I was rejected; how my love was not reciprocated, I thought that I am amazing. I had this thiugh because in spite of how badly you've hurt me, I still loved you and I still do..
No matter how I wasn't treated the way I was deserved to be treated or how tough you made it for me to love you, I never left you and I still chose to stand by your side..
There are people asking me, if you didn't love me then why didn't you tell me that when I was taking care of you in the hospital. At least if you told me then, I wouldn't need to waste my time taking care of you and that I could enjoy my holidays doing something else. Well, I told them I don't know and maybe you just cant measure things this way. When I look back now, I still don't think I've wasted my time taking care of you. In fact, I'm happy that I was part of your life during your difficult moments and that I thank God for allowing me to be there for you, to show how much I loved and cared for you. I was grateful that I was able to support you and to shower you with unconditional love during that moment.
Some people thinks I'm stupid for thinking this way because they feel that I should be loved the way I loved you.. Well, I have an entirely different thought from them. I think it's sweet to love and be loved in return but a lot of the times we just can't control what the other person would do for us or how the other person thinks. All I can do is to play my role and my part well so I have no regrets. Happiness does not necessarily come from being loved in return, it can come in many different ways. For instance, I think being able to love someone is a form of happiness. When you truly love someone, you won't measure who love who more or who sacrificed for who more. You'll just be too busy learning how to love that one person the right way and to make that person happy. All that would matter is the well-being and happiness of the other party. Sometimes even if it hurts or if it's tough to love the person, you'll still want to storm through the obstacles just for that very person because he/she is just so very special. When you are truly in love, you will not measure love in any ways and all you would want to do is to love the person unconditionally. It might sound dumb but being able to love someone unconditionally is also a form of happiness that you can give part of yourself to that very person.
You are just so special to me that whatever I've done for you didn't seem like a sacrifice to me.. How you always say about me loving you more or how much I did for you, it actually really isn't anything..
Being able to love someone is happy and being loved in return is a blessing.. I wasn't lucky enough to be blessed to be loved in return but whatever I've done for you made me happy.. Loving you made me happy, caring for you made me happy, supporting you made me happy and never giving up on you no matter how bad the circumstances may be made me happy....

I guess after today's counseling session, I realized I really do love you a whole lot.
It hurts to love someone and be hurt in return but I'm happy that I experienced this..
I'm not saying this as a sarcasm but because I never knew I could actually love someone so much. I've never loved anyone the way I loved you. I never knew I could do so much for a person and that I could go all out even if it means hurting myself..  I never knew loving someone requires so much of effort and hard work and all these while I've been learning how to love you the right way and it just feels great..

A lot of people said that I was amazing for loving someone so much without expecting anything in return... And someone people said you are selfish because all you cared about was yourself.. You cared about your feelings, you wanted to do things at your own pace and that you made major decisions for us based on what you think its the best for us.. It's all about what you fee or how you think things should be for us but you never discussed with me. All you did was informing me on all your major decisions such as the break up and cutting me off completely... You told me what you wanted but there were no discussion made..
Maybe there's just a lot of growing for the both of us.....

The counselor thought I was very mature and sensible for my age..
Good or bad, I don't know..
But I guess I am feeling better now.....

Day 23

I couldn't sleep the whole night last night, I guess I was subconsciously thinking of you.
I went to work today feeling lousy and very emotional..
I just feel a little off today and I decided to see Dr Leong and asked if I needed to see a psychologist. Well, she said she thinks I'm coping well with all that has happened and that im not going crazy because I can still rationalize. Good or bad, I don't know.
I think you wanted to find Dr Leong and peeked into the room, you probably saw me. As I was collecting my medicine, you came back from the washroom and rushed into the room. It got me thinking if you saw me and wanted to avoid me again.
For some reason I'm feeling a lot of anger and hatred in me recently..
The anger in me is building as day passes.
I didn't realize how lousy I was feeling that everything reflected on my face.
My student mum told me " Teacher Nicole, I've not seen you so stress before over the 4 years period that I've known you". It got me shocked wondering how terrible I really looked. At office today, many people asked me if I'm okay.. I tried to keep calm and answer politely that I'm fine but I guess it wasn't convincing enough that they asked me a couple more times. I exploded and erupted like a volcano at office. I've not been like this before, this just isn't me. At times I might be cold and icy but there are a lot of the times I would laugh hysterically.. I guess over all the incidents, I've started to lose the happy part of me, the crazy and bubbly part of me.
I felt really bad lashing out at people but I didn't understand why I was doing that..
Michelle told me it's because I've stopped crying that there are no ways to release the emotions in me that I start lashing out at people.
I just don't feel like myself anymore, I can't even grip hold of myself.
I decided to take leave tomorrow and be away from everyone so that I won't be lashing out at innocent people and that I have the time to visit a counsellor.
I think I need to see a counsellor for help because all that I'm feeling is anger, frustration, agitation and hatred in me. This negative feelings in me are really strong. Even when one of my ex cheated on me back then, I didn't feel  so much anger in me. Somehow, I don't know why this time I'm just feeling so much anger and hatred.
Besides all the anger and hatred in me, I also have panic attacks.
When I thought about you or about us, I get a panic attack. My hands start trembling, heart starts pounding and I just feel like I can't breathe. I never thought I would be so badly affected by you and your actions. It's not your fault, it's mine because my coping mechanism isn't good.

Whatever that I'm going thorough now or whatever I'm feeling now is definitely worse compared to the time when I was going through our break up. I guess there's just too much for me to cope with. After our break up, I managed to grip myself again and I was recovering.. Then my crazy ex hurt me and I went down again but before I could grip myself you cut me off from your life and I fell deeper again.. There's not enough time for me to recover and to cope from all this ordeal that has taken place.
I don't understand how can a normal guy friend of mine be there for me throughout my ups and downs, tried supporting me through our break up which I pushed him away after because I didn't want to rebound. No matter how much I pushed him away, or how I made it so hard for him to be there for me, he never left my side supporting me. I didn't allow him to stand by me to support me so he supported me from far through small actions. He was just a friend or maybe a guy whom likes me. But.. You were the guy who shared 4 and a half months of my life; who shared memories with me; who once said you loved me; who told me how much you cared about me.. But you just left there and then for whatever reasons. I can't brain this.

You told your friends you are drawing a line because of safety reasons. Well, I don't see how the reason is valid anymore because everything has been solved. Are you trying to psycho yourself to make yourself feel better? I guess no one would know but you and God. Carol told me she don't think you don't want to talk to me anymore or don't want to be friends anymore that what you're doing now is just temporary. She said you told them that you called me before blocking me off. Yes, you did call me to tell me that you will not be talking to me for a time being but you did not say that you were going to block me on whatsapp. It's 2 different things and it carries different message. You can stop talking to me by not replying my messages that night or just ignore me completely and I'll get the message. By you blocking me on whatsapp literally means you want me out of your life, that's the indirect message you're sending.
I guess women solve issues by addressing the issues, trying to fix or mend things back and then give up.. On the other hand, man tend to brush the issues aside and let it subside and forget about it.. I don't know anymore..
Carol told me when I go to Uk, I'll probably meet some hot guys and end up marrying them. I certainly hope so...

Whatever it is, I'm going to find myself back and grip onto myself again..
I'll be a better version of what I was and grow as a person...
I can't continue to let myself sink in despair..
I can't continue to lash out on innocent people...
I can't stand myself now..
I can't stand the Nicole now... The Nicole who is so filled with negative feelings that she's just so volatile and emotional now.. It's just not me...
Hopefully after seeing a counsellor tomorrow, things can take a turn..

Day 22

Three words that summarizes my day:

ANGER
DISAPPOINTMENT
HATRED

Day 21

Today I drove to church at 8am only to realise that Yinli overslept..
I thought great, let me drive around as I was feeling a little lousy in me...
I drove around for a while and drove home...
While I was in my car at home, I thought about us again.. For the past one week I felt heartache and pain in me but i couldn't cry. Somehow I manage to cry today, it's a good thing I guess.  I browsed through all our photos in my phone and videos of you. Tears started rolling down from my cheeks and I started crying. Then feeling of being stab in my heart is very real and I don't know how else to describe this pain in me. It's just too much for me to bear.
I'm sure that you've deleted all of our pictures together or pictures of me.
You've been deleting and cutting everything to do with me, what else can you not do?

Wenni told me today that Joash and her would be attending some Chinese Nee Year dinner arranged by Gareth. Immediately, I knew you were definitely going to do, just some instict in me. True enough, she told me that she heard you were going along. I told Wenni, if we were still together, I would probably be following you to the dinner and I'll see her there, sadly that's not the case.
I know it's very unhealthy for me but I asked Wenni how were you like. I wanted to know if you were doing fine and if you were happy. She told me you were chatting and joking around with the guys and you look like your normal self at least from the outside. It kept me wondering if you would ever be feeling the pain I'm feeling now, I guess not so much.
Wheyhwe you feel what I'm feeling or not, I know you would be keeping yourself busy with everything.. Just like you are, I'm also keeping myself busy.
I received a call from Meeples yesterday that I am in for the 7 Wonders final tournament..
I was shocked but I was not happy. I didn't know if I should go for the tournament because initially I joined this tournament was because of you. I wanted to support you and to be there for you as you play this favorite game of yours in a tournament. Even as friends when we played this tournament together, you told me if I were to enter the finals, you would go to support me but definitely not anymore..
Should I go? Hmm..
I went for a board games session today with ZR and his group of people...
Played two different games and it was really fun. I guess you're also having fun playing board games with Gareth's group after your dinner..
Somehow, playing board games without you around felt different. It felt as though something was missing but I don't know what. It's not like the rest of them are not fun to play with but having you around is definitely different.
I really miss your presence, your presence still lingers in me.

I felt a lot of hatred and anger in me today.
I couldn't stop thinking about the things you did to hurt me.
I don't understand how could you be so mean and so cold to me...
I just... Don't know anymore.