There are people telling me that you've not been attending the 8am service and I've not been seeing you at the 4pm service, I guess you probably changed church or visited your friends church.
Sigh... I won't be seeing you anymore until maybe years later...
I'll always miss you..
During the prayer time at church today Wenni cried while she was praying for me and I cried too..
I don't know how to describe the feeling, it was just a very sad feeling..
I left church early to Port Dickson today and during the journey I was thinking of you..
I remembered how you told me you wanted to go on a road trip with me and just the both of us after our two weeks timeout.. Sadly, it never happened and it will not happen..
Everything I did reminded me of you...
I took a walk on the beach and thought how romantic and sweet it'll be if we could stroll down the beach hands in hands together...
The pain of losing you and losing us is still very real.....
I really don't know how am I gonna stop loving you...
Everytime when I think of you and us, my heart aches..
I really love you and nothing will change that....
Even if I've moved on with someone else in future, you will always have a special place in my heart....
There are a lot of happy times in our relationship... There's a lot to remember and a lot to cherish..
You know, I wished we were still together even though I know it's not possible...
I wished you were still my little panda..........
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Saturday, January 30, 2016
Day 27
The big day has finally arrived, my farewell...
Wow... It was a really scary day for me.....
As I was driving to Taipan today, I was feeling very anxious.. There was mixed emotions in me, I was feeling happy, sad and anxious...
I didn't know how I would react seeing you because I just don't know how or what I'm feeling anymore.. It's just so weird to me that you're blocking me on whatsapp but you're coming for my farewell.. It doesn't make sense.
When I saw you walking in, I went to the toilet and looked myself in the mirror..
I told myself "Nicole, you can do this.. You won't question him anything and you will just enjoy the brunch"..
Then when I walked back out to seat, you said hi to me...
As we were eating and talking, you were trying to talk to me..
I didn't understand why you would talk to me..
We talked a little bit here and there and that's about it....
Things were very different for ne because I couldn't talk to you like how I used to anymore, not even as friends..
We parked our car at the same carpark and when we were at the carpark, I couldn't find my car and told you and WF to leave first.. You said it's okay and that you will help me to find my car... It felt weird because it's not your obligation to make sure I find my car.. I don't mean that you are caring about me in a special way but any friends would probably help me to find my car.. It's just that to me, we are no longer friends...
When I found my car I looked at the both of you and said " See you when I see you"..
You told me you were going to Meeples, I was like... Felling a bit weird..
You knew that I was going to Meeples to play my tournament but you still chose to go Meeples to get your gnes while I'm there...
I mean you blocking me on whatsapp basically means you want no communication, so why are you buying the game knowing I'm there.. It just feels strange..
After registering myself at Meeples, I went down wanting to buy water and I saw WF in the car...
I talked to WF a bit and he just said he thinks I collected myself very well.. I told him how I hated myself back then for simply lashing out at people and that's when I told myself this isn't my normal self and that I will collect the pieces of me back...
I'm just happy that I didn't go crazy bombarding you with questions..
I felt like I handled the situation well and I guess that's what matters....
Sigh I almost won 7 wonders tournament!!!! I did badly in the last round...
If I did okay in the last round I would be top 3 instead of top 4...
Oh well, I just have to accept it.......
I texted the Farewell group saying I got 4th place and that I didnt win.. I didn't exoect you to reply saying I did well since I got 4th place out of 13 people...
I didn't know what to reply so I ignored the message....
Today a guy hugged me and I literally stoned..
I don't think I'm ready for any of this at the moment...
I'm not close with that guy so when he hugged me and it felt weird...
I'm having this withdrawal effect from you so being hugged by a guy would ease my withdrawal effect.. It did ease my pain but it felt weird... He just hugged me and I just stoned without hugging him in return...
I've been distancing myself with guys around me because I just didn't want to be like how I used to be.. I didn't want to use other guys that was hitting on me to get over the broken relationship.. Sure it would help ease my pain but that isn't the right way... It really isn't...
I think I'm old and mature enough to handle the pain that's in me without relying and using other guys to help me ease the pain..
I'm not going to date until I've gotten over you and that I've recovered......
I don't mind meeting new guy friends and be friends but nothing more than that for now and I'll just see where things lead me to after I can finally date again....
Wow... It was a really scary day for me.....
As I was driving to Taipan today, I was feeling very anxious.. There was mixed emotions in me, I was feeling happy, sad and anxious...
I didn't know how I would react seeing you because I just don't know how or what I'm feeling anymore.. It's just so weird to me that you're blocking me on whatsapp but you're coming for my farewell.. It doesn't make sense.
When I saw you walking in, I went to the toilet and looked myself in the mirror..
I told myself "Nicole, you can do this.. You won't question him anything and you will just enjoy the brunch"..
Then when I walked back out to seat, you said hi to me...
As we were eating and talking, you were trying to talk to me..
I didn't understand why you would talk to me..
We talked a little bit here and there and that's about it....
Things were very different for ne because I couldn't talk to you like how I used to anymore, not even as friends..
We parked our car at the same carpark and when we were at the carpark, I couldn't find my car and told you and WF to leave first.. You said it's okay and that you will help me to find my car... It felt weird because it's not your obligation to make sure I find my car.. I don't mean that you are caring about me in a special way but any friends would probably help me to find my car.. It's just that to me, we are no longer friends...
When I found my car I looked at the both of you and said " See you when I see you"..
You told me you were going to Meeples, I was like... Felling a bit weird..
You knew that I was going to Meeples to play my tournament but you still chose to go Meeples to get your gnes while I'm there...
I mean you blocking me on whatsapp basically means you want no communication, so why are you buying the game knowing I'm there.. It just feels strange..
After registering myself at Meeples, I went down wanting to buy water and I saw WF in the car...
I talked to WF a bit and he just said he thinks I collected myself very well.. I told him how I hated myself back then for simply lashing out at people and that's when I told myself this isn't my normal self and that I will collect the pieces of me back...
I'm just happy that I didn't go crazy bombarding you with questions..
I felt like I handled the situation well and I guess that's what matters....
Sigh I almost won 7 wonders tournament!!!! I did badly in the last round...
If I did okay in the last round I would be top 3 instead of top 4...
Oh well, I just have to accept it.......
I texted the Farewell group saying I got 4th place and that I didnt win.. I didn't exoect you to reply saying I did well since I got 4th place out of 13 people...
I didn't know what to reply so I ignored the message....
Today a guy hugged me and I literally stoned..
I don't think I'm ready for any of this at the moment...
I'm not close with that guy so when he hugged me and it felt weird...
I'm having this withdrawal effect from you so being hugged by a guy would ease my withdrawal effect.. It did ease my pain but it felt weird... He just hugged me and I just stoned without hugging him in return...
I've been distancing myself with guys around me because I just didn't want to be like how I used to be.. I didn't want to use other guys that was hitting on me to get over the broken relationship.. Sure it would help ease my pain but that isn't the right way... It really isn't...
I think I'm old and mature enough to handle the pain that's in me without relying and using other guys to help me ease the pain..
I'm not going to date until I've gotten over you and that I've recovered......
I don't mind meeting new guy friends and be friends but nothing more than that for now and I'll just see where things lead me to after I can finally date again....
Friday, January 29, 2016
Day 26
I guess you didn't go to work today as I didn't see your car at the train station and you posted a sick status on Facebook.
If we were still together, I would've gone over to visit you after work..
If we were still together I'll be texting you to ask if you were okay..
If we were still together, I would be showering you with lots of care and love....
I hope you are feeling better and not being super sick..
You seldom get sick but once you're sick, you're really sick..
I'm just worried about you...
I hope you are feeling better and not being super sick..
You seldom get sick but once you're sick, you're really sick..
I'm just worried about you...
I am going through a period of withdrawal effects..
The withdrawal of not being able to hug you and to be hugged in return...
You are a very huggy person, you hugged me a lot back then..
Whether it's on our date, special occasions on even after lunch at work, you would hug me...
Now that I'm not being able to hug and be hugged, it just feel weird...
I feel like I have the need hug and be hugged, it's a very strong feeling..
But that's something you can't offer me anymore..
I can find some other guys to give me a platonic hug but it just wouldn't be right because I'd feel terrible for using them to give me something to make me feel better, something that would ease my pain of withdrawal effects..
All I can do to help myself with the withdrawal effects is to hug my girl friends but it definitely wouldn't be the same as me being hugged by you...
Whenever you hug me, there's a certain way of you holding me in your arms and how you would brush my hair to one side..
It will never be the same hugging or being hug by other people because you're just so very special...
It's really hard to get through this period because it just makes ne long for your touch and hug...
All I want is to be able to hold your hands, to hug you from behind and to kiss you... But I can't anymore.....
It's really tough....
I do wonder if you would feel the same withdrawal effects that I'm feeling...
Or... You probably didn't have such withdrawal effects...sigh.............
I do wonder if you would feel the same withdrawal effects that I'm feeling...
Or... You probably didn't have such withdrawal effects...sigh.............
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Day 25
I was feeling much better today, I didn't feel so much anger and hatred in me. All those negative feelings was slowly subsiding and I could tell that I was recovering....
All that was on my mind today was how have you been and how are you doing.
I still care for you a lot and I really do hope that you are doing fine...
I really miss you....
I still do wonder if you miss me... Or if you still had feelings for me...
Many people told me that even if you still love me, you wouldn't know because you're confused and that you wouldn't want to know because you just want to escape..
I really... Don't know...
It's rather an emotional day today cause all that I had on my mind was you and only you....
I just.... Miss you a lot....
All that was on my mind today was how have you been and how are you doing.
I still care for you a lot and I really do hope that you are doing fine...
I really miss you....
I still do wonder if you miss me... Or if you still had feelings for me...
Many people told me that even if you still love me, you wouldn't know because you're confused and that you wouldn't want to know because you just want to escape..
I really... Don't know...
It's rather an emotional day today cause all that I had on my mind was you and only you....
I just.... Miss you a lot....
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Day 24
I didn't sleep too well last night too..
I'm on leave today but I couldn't sleep pass 8am..
I went to see the counselor today at 4pm and I was really anxious and nervous. It reminded me of the time I had depression and had to see a psychiatrist. It wasn't a very pleasant feeling but I guess I really needed help to make sure I do not fall into the pit again.
She was a very nice lady and she told me somehow she sense a strength in me that would pull me through this. I guess I got the strength from my mum; her strength has rubbed into me and that made me who I am today.
The counselor asked me a question which I didn't know how to answer. She asked me where did I get the courage to talk to you normally when I met you in the hospital the other day. I paused and thought for a bit and I really didn't know where I got the courage from.
Thinking back about how you hurt me but I could still pull myself to talk to you normally, I then realized I am strong.
You are a guy whom I truly loved.. Recalling the issues and incidents that took place in between us was heart breaking..
1) You wanted a two weeks timeout and told me you were leaning towards being friends when I was having depression.
2) We got back together and you told me you are more sure than ever that you do indeed love and sayang me.
3) You were admitted into the hospital and I spent my holidays with you, taking care of you. It didn't feel tiring at all, in fact it felt great because I was part of your tough journey.
4) You broke up with me stating that you didn't really love me and I later found out you had deeper issues in you such as your commitment issue.
5) We managed to become friends after the break up and things were getting better as I became emotionally stable.
6) My crazy ex did all those crazy stuff that made me felt terrible about myself ..
7) You couldn't stand what was going on and for your own safety, you decided to leave me there and then.
8) You completely cut me off your life and left me feeling devastated and lost again. Before I could grip hold of myself after what my ex did, you rejected me as a friend and I fell into a deeper hole which I don't see any way to get out of it.
The counselor told me that she can see how much I love you and how all these incidents can affect me so badly.. She commented that despite of how you hurt me and disappoint me, I could still talk to you like normal and that requires a lot of courage and strength. If it was other girls, they would have just ignore or just leave but I somehow managed to talk to you like normal. Thinking back I really didn't know how I did it. Given the circumstances now, I don't think I'll be able to do it when I see you on Saturday.
Now that I'm a little more calm and when I think of what has happened in this short span of time, how I was hurt; how I was emotional; how I was rejected; how my love was not reciprocated, I thought that I am amazing. I had this thiugh because in spite of how badly you've hurt me, I still loved you and I still do..
No matter how I wasn't treated the way I was deserved to be treated or how tough you made it for me to love you, I never left you and I still chose to stand by your side..
There are people asking me, if you didn't love me then why didn't you tell me that when I was taking care of you in the hospital. At least if you told me then, I wouldn't need to waste my time taking care of you and that I could enjoy my holidays doing something else. Well, I told them I don't know and maybe you just cant measure things this way. When I look back now, I still don't think I've wasted my time taking care of you. In fact, I'm happy that I was part of your life during your difficult moments and that I thank God for allowing me to be there for you, to show how much I loved and cared for you. I was grateful that I was able to support you and to shower you with unconditional love during that moment.
Some people thinks I'm stupid for thinking this way because they feel that I should be loved the way I loved you.. Well, I have an entirely different thought from them. I think it's sweet to love and be loved in return but a lot of the times we just can't control what the other person would do for us or how the other person thinks. All I can do is to play my role and my part well so I have no regrets. Happiness does not necessarily come from being loved in return, it can come in many different ways. For instance, I think being able to love someone is a form of happiness. When you truly love someone, you won't measure who love who more or who sacrificed for who more. You'll just be too busy learning how to love that one person the right way and to make that person happy. All that would matter is the well-being and happiness of the other party. Sometimes even if it hurts or if it's tough to love the person, you'll still want to storm through the obstacles just for that very person because he/she is just so very special. When you are truly in love, you will not measure love in any ways and all you would want to do is to love the person unconditionally. It might sound dumb but being able to love someone unconditionally is also a form of happiness that you can give part of yourself to that very person.
You are just so special to me that whatever I've done for you didn't seem like a sacrifice to me.. How you always say about me loving you more or how much I did for you, it actually really isn't anything..
Being able to love someone is happy and being loved in return is a blessing.. I wasn't lucky enough to be blessed to be loved in return but whatever I've done for you made me happy.. Loving you made me happy, caring for you made me happy, supporting you made me happy and never giving up on you no matter how bad the circumstances may be made me happy....
I guess after today's counseling session, I realized I really do love you a whole lot.
It hurts to love someone and be hurt in return but I'm happy that I experienced this..
I'm not saying this as a sarcasm but because I never knew I could actually love someone so much. I've never loved anyone the way I loved you. I never knew I could do so much for a person and that I could go all out even if it means hurting myself.. I never knew loving someone requires so much of effort and hard work and all these while I've been learning how to love you the right way and it just feels great..
A lot of people said that I was amazing for loving someone so much without expecting anything in return... And someone people said you are selfish because all you cared about was yourself.. You cared about your feelings, you wanted to do things at your own pace and that you made major decisions for us based on what you think its the best for us.. It's all about what you fee or how you think things should be for us but you never discussed with me. All you did was informing me on all your major decisions such as the break up and cutting me off completely... You told me what you wanted but there were no discussion made..
Maybe there's just a lot of growing for the both of us.....
The counselor thought I was very mature and sensible for my age..
Good or bad, I don't know..
But I guess I am feeling better now.....
I'm on leave today but I couldn't sleep pass 8am..
I went to see the counselor today at 4pm and I was really anxious and nervous. It reminded me of the time I had depression and had to see a psychiatrist. It wasn't a very pleasant feeling but I guess I really needed help to make sure I do not fall into the pit again.
She was a very nice lady and she told me somehow she sense a strength in me that would pull me through this. I guess I got the strength from my mum; her strength has rubbed into me and that made me who I am today.
The counselor asked me a question which I didn't know how to answer. She asked me where did I get the courage to talk to you normally when I met you in the hospital the other day. I paused and thought for a bit and I really didn't know where I got the courage from.
Thinking back about how you hurt me but I could still pull myself to talk to you normally, I then realized I am strong.
You are a guy whom I truly loved.. Recalling the issues and incidents that took place in between us was heart breaking..
1) You wanted a two weeks timeout and told me you were leaning towards being friends when I was having depression.
2) We got back together and you told me you are more sure than ever that you do indeed love and sayang me.
3) You were admitted into the hospital and I spent my holidays with you, taking care of you. It didn't feel tiring at all, in fact it felt great because I was part of your tough journey.
4) You broke up with me stating that you didn't really love me and I later found out you had deeper issues in you such as your commitment issue.
5) We managed to become friends after the break up and things were getting better as I became emotionally stable.
6) My crazy ex did all those crazy stuff that made me felt terrible about myself ..
7) You couldn't stand what was going on and for your own safety, you decided to leave me there and then.
8) You completely cut me off your life and left me feeling devastated and lost again. Before I could grip hold of myself after what my ex did, you rejected me as a friend and I fell into a deeper hole which I don't see any way to get out of it.
The counselor told me that she can see how much I love you and how all these incidents can affect me so badly.. She commented that despite of how you hurt me and disappoint me, I could still talk to you like normal and that requires a lot of courage and strength. If it was other girls, they would have just ignore or just leave but I somehow managed to talk to you like normal. Thinking back I really didn't know how I did it. Given the circumstances now, I don't think I'll be able to do it when I see you on Saturday.
Now that I'm a little more calm and when I think of what has happened in this short span of time, how I was hurt; how I was emotional; how I was rejected; how my love was not reciprocated, I thought that I am amazing. I had this thiugh because in spite of how badly you've hurt me, I still loved you and I still do..
No matter how I wasn't treated the way I was deserved to be treated or how tough you made it for me to love you, I never left you and I still chose to stand by your side..
There are people asking me, if you didn't love me then why didn't you tell me that when I was taking care of you in the hospital. At least if you told me then, I wouldn't need to waste my time taking care of you and that I could enjoy my holidays doing something else. Well, I told them I don't know and maybe you just cant measure things this way. When I look back now, I still don't think I've wasted my time taking care of you. In fact, I'm happy that I was part of your life during your difficult moments and that I thank God for allowing me to be there for you, to show how much I loved and cared for you. I was grateful that I was able to support you and to shower you with unconditional love during that moment.
Some people thinks I'm stupid for thinking this way because they feel that I should be loved the way I loved you.. Well, I have an entirely different thought from them. I think it's sweet to love and be loved in return but a lot of the times we just can't control what the other person would do for us or how the other person thinks. All I can do is to play my role and my part well so I have no regrets. Happiness does not necessarily come from being loved in return, it can come in many different ways. For instance, I think being able to love someone is a form of happiness. When you truly love someone, you won't measure who love who more or who sacrificed for who more. You'll just be too busy learning how to love that one person the right way and to make that person happy. All that would matter is the well-being and happiness of the other party. Sometimes even if it hurts or if it's tough to love the person, you'll still want to storm through the obstacles just for that very person because he/she is just so very special. When you are truly in love, you will not measure love in any ways and all you would want to do is to love the person unconditionally. It might sound dumb but being able to love someone unconditionally is also a form of happiness that you can give part of yourself to that very person.
You are just so special to me that whatever I've done for you didn't seem like a sacrifice to me.. How you always say about me loving you more or how much I did for you, it actually really isn't anything..
Being able to love someone is happy and being loved in return is a blessing.. I wasn't lucky enough to be blessed to be loved in return but whatever I've done for you made me happy.. Loving you made me happy, caring for you made me happy, supporting you made me happy and never giving up on you no matter how bad the circumstances may be made me happy....
I guess after today's counseling session, I realized I really do love you a whole lot.
It hurts to love someone and be hurt in return but I'm happy that I experienced this..
I'm not saying this as a sarcasm but because I never knew I could actually love someone so much. I've never loved anyone the way I loved you. I never knew I could do so much for a person and that I could go all out even if it means hurting myself.. I never knew loving someone requires so much of effort and hard work and all these while I've been learning how to love you the right way and it just feels great..
A lot of people said that I was amazing for loving someone so much without expecting anything in return... And someone people said you are selfish because all you cared about was yourself.. You cared about your feelings, you wanted to do things at your own pace and that you made major decisions for us based on what you think its the best for us.. It's all about what you fee or how you think things should be for us but you never discussed with me. All you did was informing me on all your major decisions such as the break up and cutting me off completely... You told me what you wanted but there were no discussion made..
Maybe there's just a lot of growing for the both of us.....
The counselor thought I was very mature and sensible for my age..
Good or bad, I don't know..
But I guess I am feeling better now.....
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Day 23
I couldn't sleep the whole night last night, I guess I was subconsciously thinking of you.
I went to work today feeling lousy and very emotional..
I just feel a little off today and I decided to see Dr Leong and asked if I needed to see a psychologist. Well, she said she thinks I'm coping well with all that has happened and that im not going crazy because I can still rationalize. Good or bad, I don't know.
I think you wanted to find Dr Leong and peeked into the room, you probably saw me. As I was collecting my medicine, you came back from the washroom and rushed into the room. It got me thinking if you saw me and wanted to avoid me again.
For some reason I'm feeling a lot of anger and hatred in me recently..
The anger in me is building as day passes.
I didn't realize how lousy I was feeling that everything reflected on my face.
My student mum told me " Teacher Nicole, I've not seen you so stress before over the 4 years period that I've known you". It got me shocked wondering how terrible I really looked. At office today, many people asked me if I'm okay.. I tried to keep calm and answer politely that I'm fine but I guess it wasn't convincing enough that they asked me a couple more times. I exploded and erupted like a volcano at office. I've not been like this before, this just isn't me. At times I might be cold and icy but there are a lot of the times I would laugh hysterically.. I guess over all the incidents, I've started to lose the happy part of me, the crazy and bubbly part of me.
I felt really bad lashing out at people but I didn't understand why I was doing that..
Michelle told me it's because I've stopped crying that there are no ways to release the emotions in me that I start lashing out at people.
I just don't feel like myself anymore, I can't even grip hold of myself.
I decided to take leave tomorrow and be away from everyone so that I won't be lashing out at innocent people and that I have the time to visit a counsellor.
I think I need to see a counsellor for help because all that I'm feeling is anger, frustration, agitation and hatred in me. This negative feelings in me are really strong. Even when one of my ex cheated on me back then, I didn't feel so much anger in me. Somehow, I don't know why this time I'm just feeling so much anger and hatred.
Besides all the anger and hatred in me, I also have panic attacks.
When I thought about you or about us, I get a panic attack. My hands start trembling, heart starts pounding and I just feel like I can't breathe. I never thought I would be so badly affected by you and your actions. It's not your fault, it's mine because my coping mechanism isn't good.
Whatever that I'm going thorough now or whatever I'm feeling now is definitely worse compared to the time when I was going through our break up. I guess there's just too much for me to cope with. After our break up, I managed to grip myself again and I was recovering.. Then my crazy ex hurt me and I went down again but before I could grip myself you cut me off from your life and I fell deeper again.. There's not enough time for me to recover and to cope from all this ordeal that has taken place.
I don't understand how can a normal guy friend of mine be there for me throughout my ups and downs, tried supporting me through our break up which I pushed him away after because I didn't want to rebound. No matter how much I pushed him away, or how I made it so hard for him to be there for me, he never left my side supporting me. I didn't allow him to stand by me to support me so he supported me from far through small actions. He was just a friend or maybe a guy whom likes me. But.. You were the guy who shared 4 and a half months of my life; who shared memories with me; who once said you loved me; who told me how much you cared about me.. But you just left there and then for whatever reasons. I can't brain this.
You told your friends you are drawing a line because of safety reasons. Well, I don't see how the reason is valid anymore because everything has been solved. Are you trying to psycho yourself to make yourself feel better? I guess no one would know but you and God. Carol told me she don't think you don't want to talk to me anymore or don't want to be friends anymore that what you're doing now is just temporary. She said you told them that you called me before blocking me off. Yes, you did call me to tell me that you will not be talking to me for a time being but you did not say that you were going to block me on whatsapp. It's 2 different things and it carries different message. You can stop talking to me by not replying my messages that night or just ignore me completely and I'll get the message. By you blocking me on whatsapp literally means you want me out of your life, that's the indirect message you're sending.
I guess women solve issues by addressing the issues, trying to fix or mend things back and then give up.. On the other hand, man tend to brush the issues aside and let it subside and forget about it.. I don't know anymore..
Carol told me when I go to Uk, I'll probably meet some hot guys and end up marrying them. I certainly hope so...
Whatever it is, I'm going to find myself back and grip onto myself again..
I'll be a better version of what I was and grow as a person...
I can't continue to let myself sink in despair..
I can't continue to lash out on innocent people...
I can't stand myself now..
I can't stand the Nicole now... The Nicole who is so filled with negative feelings that she's just so volatile and emotional now.. It's just not me...
Hopefully after seeing a counsellor tomorrow, things can take a turn..
I went to work today feeling lousy and very emotional..
I just feel a little off today and I decided to see Dr Leong and asked if I needed to see a psychologist. Well, she said she thinks I'm coping well with all that has happened and that im not going crazy because I can still rationalize. Good or bad, I don't know.
I think you wanted to find Dr Leong and peeked into the room, you probably saw me. As I was collecting my medicine, you came back from the washroom and rushed into the room. It got me thinking if you saw me and wanted to avoid me again.
For some reason I'm feeling a lot of anger and hatred in me recently..
The anger in me is building as day passes.
I didn't realize how lousy I was feeling that everything reflected on my face.
My student mum told me " Teacher Nicole, I've not seen you so stress before over the 4 years period that I've known you". It got me shocked wondering how terrible I really looked. At office today, many people asked me if I'm okay.. I tried to keep calm and answer politely that I'm fine but I guess it wasn't convincing enough that they asked me a couple more times. I exploded and erupted like a volcano at office. I've not been like this before, this just isn't me. At times I might be cold and icy but there are a lot of the times I would laugh hysterically.. I guess over all the incidents, I've started to lose the happy part of me, the crazy and bubbly part of me.
I felt really bad lashing out at people but I didn't understand why I was doing that..
Michelle told me it's because I've stopped crying that there are no ways to release the emotions in me that I start lashing out at people.
I just don't feel like myself anymore, I can't even grip hold of myself.
I decided to take leave tomorrow and be away from everyone so that I won't be lashing out at innocent people and that I have the time to visit a counsellor.
I think I need to see a counsellor for help because all that I'm feeling is anger, frustration, agitation and hatred in me. This negative feelings in me are really strong. Even when one of my ex cheated on me back then, I didn't feel so much anger in me. Somehow, I don't know why this time I'm just feeling so much anger and hatred.
Besides all the anger and hatred in me, I also have panic attacks.
When I thought about you or about us, I get a panic attack. My hands start trembling, heart starts pounding and I just feel like I can't breathe. I never thought I would be so badly affected by you and your actions. It's not your fault, it's mine because my coping mechanism isn't good.
Whatever that I'm going thorough now or whatever I'm feeling now is definitely worse compared to the time when I was going through our break up. I guess there's just too much for me to cope with. After our break up, I managed to grip myself again and I was recovering.. Then my crazy ex hurt me and I went down again but before I could grip myself you cut me off from your life and I fell deeper again.. There's not enough time for me to recover and to cope from all this ordeal that has taken place.
I don't understand how can a normal guy friend of mine be there for me throughout my ups and downs, tried supporting me through our break up which I pushed him away after because I didn't want to rebound. No matter how much I pushed him away, or how I made it so hard for him to be there for me, he never left my side supporting me. I didn't allow him to stand by me to support me so he supported me from far through small actions. He was just a friend or maybe a guy whom likes me. But.. You were the guy who shared 4 and a half months of my life; who shared memories with me; who once said you loved me; who told me how much you cared about me.. But you just left there and then for whatever reasons. I can't brain this.
You told your friends you are drawing a line because of safety reasons. Well, I don't see how the reason is valid anymore because everything has been solved. Are you trying to psycho yourself to make yourself feel better? I guess no one would know but you and God. Carol told me she don't think you don't want to talk to me anymore or don't want to be friends anymore that what you're doing now is just temporary. She said you told them that you called me before blocking me off. Yes, you did call me to tell me that you will not be talking to me for a time being but you did not say that you were going to block me on whatsapp. It's 2 different things and it carries different message. You can stop talking to me by not replying my messages that night or just ignore me completely and I'll get the message. By you blocking me on whatsapp literally means you want me out of your life, that's the indirect message you're sending.
I guess women solve issues by addressing the issues, trying to fix or mend things back and then give up.. On the other hand, man tend to brush the issues aside and let it subside and forget about it.. I don't know anymore..
Carol told me when I go to Uk, I'll probably meet some hot guys and end up marrying them. I certainly hope so...
Whatever it is, I'm going to find myself back and grip onto myself again..
I'll be a better version of what I was and grow as a person...
I can't continue to let myself sink in despair..
I can't continue to lash out on innocent people...
I can't stand myself now..
I can't stand the Nicole now... The Nicole who is so filled with negative feelings that she's just so volatile and emotional now.. It's just not me...
Hopefully after seeing a counsellor tomorrow, things can take a turn..
Monday, January 25, 2016
Sunday, January 24, 2016
Day 21
Today I drove to church at 8am only to realise that Yinli overslept..
I thought great, let me drive around as I was feeling a little lousy in me...
I drove around for a while and drove home...
While I was in my car at home, I thought about us again.. For the past one week I felt heartache and pain in me but i couldn't cry. Somehow I manage to cry today, it's a good thing I guess. I browsed through all our photos in my phone and videos of you. Tears started rolling down from my cheeks and I started crying. Then feeling of being stab in my heart is very real and I don't know how else to describe this pain in me. It's just too much for me to bear.
I'm sure that you've deleted all of our pictures together or pictures of me.
You've been deleting and cutting everything to do with me, what else can you not do?
Wenni told me today that Joash and her would be attending some Chinese Nee Year dinner arranged by Gareth. Immediately, I knew you were definitely going to do, just some instict in me. True enough, she told me that she heard you were going along. I told Wenni, if we were still together, I would probably be following you to the dinner and I'll see her there, sadly that's not the case.
I know it's very unhealthy for me but I asked Wenni how were you like. I wanted to know if you were doing fine and if you were happy. She told me you were chatting and joking around with the guys and you look like your normal self at least from the outside. It kept me wondering if you would ever be feeling the pain I'm feeling now, I guess not so much.
Wheyhwe you feel what I'm feeling or not, I know you would be keeping yourself busy with everything.. Just like you are, I'm also keeping myself busy.
I received a call from Meeples yesterday that I am in for the 7 Wonders final tournament..
I was shocked but I was not happy. I didn't know if I should go for the tournament because initially I joined this tournament was because of you. I wanted to support you and to be there for you as you play this favorite game of yours in a tournament. Even as friends when we played this tournament together, you told me if I were to enter the finals, you would go to support me but definitely not anymore..
Should I go? Hmm..
I went for a board games session today with ZR and his group of people...
Played two different games and it was really fun. I guess you're also having fun playing board games with Gareth's group after your dinner..
Somehow, playing board games without you around felt different. It felt as though something was missing but I don't know what. It's not like the rest of them are not fun to play with but having you around is definitely different.
I really miss your presence, your presence still lingers in me.
I felt a lot of hatred and anger in me today.
I couldn't stop thinking about the things you did to hurt me.
I don't understand how could you be so mean and so cold to me...
I just... Don't know anymore.
I thought great, let me drive around as I was feeling a little lousy in me...
I drove around for a while and drove home...
While I was in my car at home, I thought about us again.. For the past one week I felt heartache and pain in me but i couldn't cry. Somehow I manage to cry today, it's a good thing I guess. I browsed through all our photos in my phone and videos of you. Tears started rolling down from my cheeks and I started crying. Then feeling of being stab in my heart is very real and I don't know how else to describe this pain in me. It's just too much for me to bear.
I'm sure that you've deleted all of our pictures together or pictures of me.
You've been deleting and cutting everything to do with me, what else can you not do?
Wenni told me today that Joash and her would be attending some Chinese Nee Year dinner arranged by Gareth. Immediately, I knew you were definitely going to do, just some instict in me. True enough, she told me that she heard you were going along. I told Wenni, if we were still together, I would probably be following you to the dinner and I'll see her there, sadly that's not the case.
I know it's very unhealthy for me but I asked Wenni how were you like. I wanted to know if you were doing fine and if you were happy. She told me you were chatting and joking around with the guys and you look like your normal self at least from the outside. It kept me wondering if you would ever be feeling the pain I'm feeling now, I guess not so much.
Wheyhwe you feel what I'm feeling or not, I know you would be keeping yourself busy with everything.. Just like you are, I'm also keeping myself busy.
I received a call from Meeples yesterday that I am in for the 7 Wonders final tournament..
I was shocked but I was not happy. I didn't know if I should go for the tournament because initially I joined this tournament was because of you. I wanted to support you and to be there for you as you play this favorite game of yours in a tournament. Even as friends when we played this tournament together, you told me if I were to enter the finals, you would go to support me but definitely not anymore..
Should I go? Hmm..
I went for a board games session today with ZR and his group of people...
Played two different games and it was really fun. I guess you're also having fun playing board games with Gareth's group after your dinner..
Somehow, playing board games without you around felt different. It felt as though something was missing but I don't know what. It's not like the rest of them are not fun to play with but having you around is definitely different.
I really miss your presence, your presence still lingers in me.
I felt a lot of hatred and anger in me today.
I couldn't stop thinking about the things you did to hurt me.
I don't understand how could you be so mean and so cold to me...
I just... Don't know anymore.
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Day 20
Today was really a tough day for me..
When I'm not working on Saturday, I would be looking forward for our date or board games session with friends but today was somewhat different.
I had to get used to my Saturday's without any board games or any Makan session with you, things felt different. I start to wonder if you would feel the same way like I do because your absence is greatly felt.. My imagination started running wild and I stared thinking that you might be having your own board games session with your friends or you're probably or on a date today.. I can't help but to think of all this nonsense.
Ever since we broke up, I've never stepped into Mid Valley because there's a lot of memorable memories of us. Every step that I take while I was in Mid Valley, I felt a knife going through my heart. I was walking around and I passed by this very restaurant that really wanted to make me cry; the restaurant you asked me to be your girlfriend. I stood in front of Tony Roma's for 5 minutes and I just stared at the restaurant while all the passer by just gave me a weird look. All that was going through my brain was that scene of how you asked me to be your girlfriend. It was really sweet, it was very touching and it is something I will always remember. I went to buy our favorite chicken pie and it reminded me of our first time buying it together. I remembered back then the sales person cracked a joke in Malay which I did not understand and you just laughed at me.. Sigh..I continued walking and before I realised I was in front of speedy. There is this pillar in front of speedy, it's the place you always wait for me. I just looked at that very pillar and everything was the same but I didn't have you waiting there for me anymore. Again, I stood there for awhile remembering how you always waited there for me but I know it's never going to happen again.. As I was walking to the escalator to the car park, I saw this korean restaurant, Dubuyu.. Do you remember this restaurant? It was the first korean restaurant where we had korean food together.. There is just too much memories of us flooding in me that I feel like I can't breathe...
I guess I shouldn't go back to Mid Valley for quite some time..
I went to Jaya Grocer today to buy groceries and I saw something that was very familiar.
It was a box of biscuits that had a panda in front..
I don't know if you remember but I remembered using this panda biscuit box to cheer you up during your exam back then when you were feeling anxious..
I just stared at the box for awhile and I decided that I should just buy it and keep it as a memory..
It was the only last box there and I just thought maybe I'm just meant to buy it...
I'm feeling very overwhelmed by all of our memories..
Our relationship wasn't very long but we've been through quite a bit and we've shared a lot of good memories together..
I'm wondering how was your day today..
Did I ever crossed your mind today?
Did you think of us..?
How are you getting along without me in your life..?
Did my absence in your life make you feel happier..?
What have you been doing today..?
When I go back to places we've been, I feel very sad..
I didn't feel sad last week because we were still friends and as friends we could always go back to places we've been ada couple before.. But now it's just different. We're no longer friends, we're merely strangers to each other.. We will never ever be able to go to places we've been before ever again simply because we're no longer friends. It's harder to digest because the memories at those places we've been before would be the last memories of us there together..
I went indoor bouldering today..
It was something new and it was fun, it took my mind off you for awhile...
I guess it's part of my journey to move on and to forget you...
It's not as easy as moving on from our relationship, it's moving on getting used to not knowing you anymore..
I've moved on from our relationship and I know we can no longer be together at least for now.. But now it's a different situation.. It's not just moving on from our broken relationship, it's moving on in life without even having you as a friend.. You're basucally gone from my life and I'm gone from your life.. If we were to see or bump into each other, we won't acknowledge each other and we just won't talk anymore like yesterday.. We practically don't know each other anymore. It's really tough and I wonder if I'd get through this..
It's a lot for me to endure..
I've just got abused a week back and while my wounds are still fresh, you added salt on my wound by blocking me and deleting me out of your life...
It's very painful....
Whatever it is, I still pray the best for you...
I still hope you would be able to meet someone who would make you fall in love so deeply that you will have the motivation to overcome your commitment issues...
I probably want good enough for you that you never did love me to have the motivation to fix those issues..
If I were to keep track of a list of failures in my life like you do, this would be in my list of failure..
I didn't do enough, I wasn't good enough and I wasn't worth your love or effort to fix the issues within you...
If you were to meet someone in future that you truly love, I'd be very happy for you..
I guess after all loving someone is just wanting them to be happy....
I wish that you will be happy in your upcoming days, months and years..
You are always in my prayer...
When I'm not working on Saturday, I would be looking forward for our date or board games session with friends but today was somewhat different.
I had to get used to my Saturday's without any board games or any Makan session with you, things felt different. I start to wonder if you would feel the same way like I do because your absence is greatly felt.. My imagination started running wild and I stared thinking that you might be having your own board games session with your friends or you're probably or on a date today.. I can't help but to think of all this nonsense.
Ever since we broke up, I've never stepped into Mid Valley because there's a lot of memorable memories of us. Every step that I take while I was in Mid Valley, I felt a knife going through my heart. I was walking around and I passed by this very restaurant that really wanted to make me cry; the restaurant you asked me to be your girlfriend. I stood in front of Tony Roma's for 5 minutes and I just stared at the restaurant while all the passer by just gave me a weird look. All that was going through my brain was that scene of how you asked me to be your girlfriend. It was really sweet, it was very touching and it is something I will always remember. I went to buy our favorite chicken pie and it reminded me of our first time buying it together. I remembered back then the sales person cracked a joke in Malay which I did not understand and you just laughed at me.. Sigh..I continued walking and before I realised I was in front of speedy. There is this pillar in front of speedy, it's the place you always wait for me. I just looked at that very pillar and everything was the same but I didn't have you waiting there for me anymore. Again, I stood there for awhile remembering how you always waited there for me but I know it's never going to happen again.. As I was walking to the escalator to the car park, I saw this korean restaurant, Dubuyu.. Do you remember this restaurant? It was the first korean restaurant where we had korean food together.. There is just too much memories of us flooding in me that I feel like I can't breathe...
I guess I shouldn't go back to Mid Valley for quite some time..
I went to Jaya Grocer today to buy groceries and I saw something that was very familiar.
It was a box of biscuits that had a panda in front..
I don't know if you remember but I remembered using this panda biscuit box to cheer you up during your exam back then when you were feeling anxious..
I just stared at the box for awhile and I decided that I should just buy it and keep it as a memory..
It was the only last box there and I just thought maybe I'm just meant to buy it...
I'm feeling very overwhelmed by all of our memories..
Our relationship wasn't very long but we've been through quite a bit and we've shared a lot of good memories together..
I'm wondering how was your day today..
Did I ever crossed your mind today?
Did you think of us..?
How are you getting along without me in your life..?
Did my absence in your life make you feel happier..?
What have you been doing today..?
When I go back to places we've been, I feel very sad..
I didn't feel sad last week because we were still friends and as friends we could always go back to places we've been ada couple before.. But now it's just different. We're no longer friends, we're merely strangers to each other.. We will never ever be able to go to places we've been before ever again simply because we're no longer friends. It's harder to digest because the memories at those places we've been before would be the last memories of us there together..
I went indoor bouldering today..
It was something new and it was fun, it took my mind off you for awhile...
I guess it's part of my journey to move on and to forget you...
It's not as easy as moving on from our relationship, it's moving on getting used to not knowing you anymore..
I've moved on from our relationship and I know we can no longer be together at least for now.. But now it's a different situation.. It's not just moving on from our broken relationship, it's moving on in life without even having you as a friend.. You're basucally gone from my life and I'm gone from your life.. If we were to see or bump into each other, we won't acknowledge each other and we just won't talk anymore like yesterday.. We practically don't know each other anymore. It's really tough and I wonder if I'd get through this..
It's a lot for me to endure..
I've just got abused a week back and while my wounds are still fresh, you added salt on my wound by blocking me and deleting me out of your life...
It's very painful....
Whatever it is, I still pray the best for you...
I still hope you would be able to meet someone who would make you fall in love so deeply that you will have the motivation to overcome your commitment issues...
I probably want good enough for you that you never did love me to have the motivation to fix those issues..
If I were to keep track of a list of failures in my life like you do, this would be in my list of failure..
I didn't do enough, I wasn't good enough and I wasn't worth your love or effort to fix the issues within you...
If you were to meet someone in future that you truly love, I'd be very happy for you..
I guess after all loving someone is just wanting them to be happy....
I wish that you will be happy in your upcoming days, months and years..
You are always in my prayer...
Friday, January 22, 2016
Day 19
There's a lot for me to digest this past few days that I start to doubt my ability to handle such situations..
I'm starting to wonder if I'm dumb or if I just don't understand what is happening... Why do I say so..?
You told me you will not contact me for the time being and a day later you completely block me on whatsapp.. Well, how does that sounds like a temporary thing or something you could do for the time being?
If you blocked me because I contacted you that night, I contacted you with the intentions of wanting you to know that you're safe. Okay, maybe my message wasn't clear enough, you misinterpreted my message and so you blocked me.. But when Wenni told you that everything has been settled and that everyone is safe, you should have known why I contacted you earlier. Despite you knowing my intentions of contacting, you still chose to continue blocking me on whatsapp.
I view blocking someone on whatsapp a very drastic and extreme action. It's basically telling the other party " Get out of my life".
It's not like I'm bugging you every day or every hour. If I did bug you every day and every hour then you have every reason to block me, but I didn't bug you in that sense. I've been asking myself what have I done wrong to deserve such treatment from you.
First you said lets not contact for the time being and then here you are complete long cutting me off from your life? I don't understand and I guess I will never be able to understand.
If you really thought that I'm not listening to you, you could have told me " I need to block you on whatsapp because I think this is the best way for now. When everything has subsided I'll unblock you and talk to you again". At least if you said something like this it would have made me understand and I would know what to expect in future.
I'm honestly very disappointed with how you handled the situation.
I never knew you could be so mean and so cold towards people..
You can just cut everything between us as though it didn't mean a thing to you. It feels like it's so easy for you to cut everything to do with us and to move on.
Everytime you do something that cuts our relationship, you're practically stabbing me in my heart..
From how you exited our common group, deleting our photo, not wanting to talk to me and deleting me from your life, it was a very slow and painful death to my heart.. It's like you're killing my heart slowly, at your own pace.
This might be your way of moving on, I don't really know..
But whatever you're doing now is based on how you feel or what you think is right..
You never discussed with me.
Sometimes I really wonder if God is trying to play with me..
I can't believe we actually bumped into each other at the lrt station today..
I can literally see how you were trying to walk away from me or how you would hope to not see me..
Seeing how you reacted, I chose not to acknowledge you too. This could be how you want things to be, right?
Somehow we walked into the same platform and saw each other face to face. I guess you had no choice but to say hi and I just smiled back at you. We stood seperately and we didn't talk at all.. I had a very strong urge to go up to you and to ask why did you block me, why did you choose to hurt me this way.. But I controlled myself and just let it pass. I told myself if this is how you want it, I would respect your decision and live the way you chose for us to be.
Even at Homes today you were also avoiding me and we never talked. I would say I sort of expected things to be this way after the incident at the Lrt earlier this morning..
You know your action of blocking me on whatsapp and avoiding me when you see me makes me feel that you just hate me very much..
I feel like you hate me to the extent of blocking me on whatsapp and asking me to leave your life.
I'm serious and I'm not exaggerating. You can go up to any person and ask them if they were in my shoes, how would they feel.
I don't know if you realize the indirect message that you're sending to me but how I perceive your actions is asking me to leave your life forever.
I suddenly feel that after all the effort of nurturing our relationship, the only thing I deserved in the end was to be blocked on whatsapp and to get out of your life. Yeah, that's how I feel.
Well, some people would probably say that this is not what you meant and that whatever you're doing now is just for the short run. I'm sorry, I don't view it that way.
I always wanted to be a different kind of girl to continue being your friend and to support, motivate and encourage you in your life. But sadly, I can't anymore.
I feel so hurt that I can't shed any tears anymore; or rather I'm feeling numb.
Jess asked me what if one day after you've recovered and you decided to unblock me and to be friends again, what would I do? I told her I don't know..
That would depend on how long you were to block me. If it's over a period of 2 weeks or so, I might just let it pass and be friends again. But if it's months, I guess that time I would want you out of my life too.
The way I see how we are going now, I don't think we could ever be friends.
I guess I'll just have to accept the fact that I've lost a very good friend...
I just want you to know the decision and choice that you have made for us..
I will respect it and I will honor your decision..
This is how you want to be, to be strangers, I will do it...
I'll just have to adjust treating you as a stranger..
Despite me being sad about us, I was really happy at homes...
I cooked the tom yam fried rice and helped Shallin to make Her desserts...
I was busy and I'm happy that everyone is caring so much for me..
I thank God for sending me all of this angels to shower me with love as I go thorough this tough season....
Overall, today was an okay day.
I'm getting used to living my life with your absence..
I'm starting to wonder if I'm dumb or if I just don't understand what is happening... Why do I say so..?
You told me you will not contact me for the time being and a day later you completely block me on whatsapp.. Well, how does that sounds like a temporary thing or something you could do for the time being?
If you blocked me because I contacted you that night, I contacted you with the intentions of wanting you to know that you're safe. Okay, maybe my message wasn't clear enough, you misinterpreted my message and so you blocked me.. But when Wenni told you that everything has been settled and that everyone is safe, you should have known why I contacted you earlier. Despite you knowing my intentions of contacting, you still chose to continue blocking me on whatsapp.
I view blocking someone on whatsapp a very drastic and extreme action. It's basically telling the other party " Get out of my life".
It's not like I'm bugging you every day or every hour. If I did bug you every day and every hour then you have every reason to block me, but I didn't bug you in that sense. I've been asking myself what have I done wrong to deserve such treatment from you.
First you said lets not contact for the time being and then here you are complete long cutting me off from your life? I don't understand and I guess I will never be able to understand.
If you really thought that I'm not listening to you, you could have told me " I need to block you on whatsapp because I think this is the best way for now. When everything has subsided I'll unblock you and talk to you again". At least if you said something like this it would have made me understand and I would know what to expect in future.
I'm honestly very disappointed with how you handled the situation.
I never knew you could be so mean and so cold towards people..
You can just cut everything between us as though it didn't mean a thing to you. It feels like it's so easy for you to cut everything to do with us and to move on.
Everytime you do something that cuts our relationship, you're practically stabbing me in my heart..
From how you exited our common group, deleting our photo, not wanting to talk to me and deleting me from your life, it was a very slow and painful death to my heart.. It's like you're killing my heart slowly, at your own pace.
This might be your way of moving on, I don't really know..
But whatever you're doing now is based on how you feel or what you think is right..
You never discussed with me.
Sometimes I really wonder if God is trying to play with me..
I can't believe we actually bumped into each other at the lrt station today..
I can literally see how you were trying to walk away from me or how you would hope to not see me..
Seeing how you reacted, I chose not to acknowledge you too. This could be how you want things to be, right?
Somehow we walked into the same platform and saw each other face to face. I guess you had no choice but to say hi and I just smiled back at you. We stood seperately and we didn't talk at all.. I had a very strong urge to go up to you and to ask why did you block me, why did you choose to hurt me this way.. But I controlled myself and just let it pass. I told myself if this is how you want it, I would respect your decision and live the way you chose for us to be.
Even at Homes today you were also avoiding me and we never talked. I would say I sort of expected things to be this way after the incident at the Lrt earlier this morning..
You know your action of blocking me on whatsapp and avoiding me when you see me makes me feel that you just hate me very much..
I feel like you hate me to the extent of blocking me on whatsapp and asking me to leave your life.
I'm serious and I'm not exaggerating. You can go up to any person and ask them if they were in my shoes, how would they feel.
I don't know if you realize the indirect message that you're sending to me but how I perceive your actions is asking me to leave your life forever.
I suddenly feel that after all the effort of nurturing our relationship, the only thing I deserved in the end was to be blocked on whatsapp and to get out of your life. Yeah, that's how I feel.
Well, some people would probably say that this is not what you meant and that whatever you're doing now is just for the short run. I'm sorry, I don't view it that way.
I always wanted to be a different kind of girl to continue being your friend and to support, motivate and encourage you in your life. But sadly, I can't anymore.
I feel so hurt that I can't shed any tears anymore; or rather I'm feeling numb.
Jess asked me what if one day after you've recovered and you decided to unblock me and to be friends again, what would I do? I told her I don't know..
That would depend on how long you were to block me. If it's over a period of 2 weeks or so, I might just let it pass and be friends again. But if it's months, I guess that time I would want you out of my life too.
The way I see how we are going now, I don't think we could ever be friends.
I guess I'll just have to accept the fact that I've lost a very good friend...
I just want you to know the decision and choice that you have made for us..
I will respect it and I will honor your decision..
This is how you want to be, to be strangers, I will do it...
I'll just have to adjust treating you as a stranger..
Despite me being sad about us, I was really happy at homes...
I cooked the tom yam fried rice and helped Shallin to make Her desserts...
I was busy and I'm happy that everyone is caring so much for me..
I thank God for sending me all of this angels to shower me with love as I go thorough this tough season....
Overall, today was an okay day.
I'm getting used to living my life with your absence..
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Day 18 ( Once-In-A-Lifetime Kind Of Love)
I just got out of a relationship recently and somehow many people are asking me how are things like between me and my ex. I had to respond politely saying “we’ve just broken up recently”, almost immediately they would give me the pity and sympathy kind of look. I guess this happens because many people thought we were really sweet and loving together; they thought we looked perfect together. There are a lot of people telling me how I deserve someone better and that I will be able to fall in love again with the right man, that I’ll be able to love him just as much or even more. I know people are saying this to make me feel better or at least to help me to ease the pain that I am feeling. However, I hope what everyone is telling me now is wrong. I hope I never find someone I love as much as him..
I don’t say that because I hope that we get back together instead I say that simply because the love I shared with him was too much for me. It was raw, it was passionate, it was all-encompassing, it was emotional, it was everything. He was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about at night. He was the guy who managed to make me laugh, drive me crazy and emotional. Throughout the relationship it was like a roller coaster ride of missing him, loving him and hating him. I would miss him whenever he isn’t around, I love him just the way he is and that I hated him whenever he hurt me so badly..
I hope my ex was the love of my life because I never want to feel that kind of love again. It was a short-lived relationship but it meant everything to me. It changed my life and it is something that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I found that kind of love passionate and I loved every minute and every second of it. We seldom argue or fight but even if we did, I still loved it. But I never want to feel it again because that kind of pain and hurt that was mixed with such passionate love was just too much for me.. It was too much for my heart to handle and when he decided to leave me, I didn't understand why and I felt that my whole world was collapsing.
I believe I would be able to fall in love again someday in future but I hope it would be a different kind of love. I don’t want someone to be my other half, I want someone who makes me feel complete on my own. I don't want him to be the best part of me, I want him to encourage me to be a better person on my own. I want someone I can rely 24 hours out of the day. I want a love that makes me smile and go to bed completely content with my life and not one that keeps me worried all night long.
My ex taught me more about love than he would ever realize. He also taught me how to improve and to be a better person. I remembered my ex telling me how he would never be able to find a girlfriend who would love, support and care for him the way I did. He probably would not be able to find someone who would do all the things I did for him but I believe he would be able to find someone better than me. I pray that he would be able to meet someone who would be able to make him love unconditionally and to experience how amazing love can be. I hope this love that we experienced is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love and that we would be able to experienced a better, more whole kind of love in future...
I don’t say that because I hope that we get back together instead I say that simply because the love I shared with him was too much for me. It was raw, it was passionate, it was all-encompassing, it was emotional, it was everything. He was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing I thought about at night. He was the guy who managed to make me laugh, drive me crazy and emotional. Throughout the relationship it was like a roller coaster ride of missing him, loving him and hating him. I would miss him whenever he isn’t around, I love him just the way he is and that I hated him whenever he hurt me so badly..
I hope my ex was the love of my life because I never want to feel that kind of love again. It was a short-lived relationship but it meant everything to me. It changed my life and it is something that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I found that kind of love passionate and I loved every minute and every second of it. We seldom argue or fight but even if we did, I still loved it. But I never want to feel it again because that kind of pain and hurt that was mixed with such passionate love was just too much for me.. It was too much for my heart to handle and when he decided to leave me, I didn't understand why and I felt that my whole world was collapsing.
I believe I would be able to fall in love again someday in future but I hope it would be a different kind of love. I don’t want someone to be my other half, I want someone who makes me feel complete on my own. I don't want him to be the best part of me, I want him to encourage me to be a better person on my own. I want someone I can rely 24 hours out of the day. I want a love that makes me smile and go to bed completely content with my life and not one that keeps me worried all night long.
My ex taught me more about love than he would ever realize. He also taught me how to improve and to be a better person. I remembered my ex telling me how he would never be able to find a girlfriend who would love, support and care for him the way I did. He probably would not be able to find someone who would do all the things I did for him but I believe he would be able to find someone better than me. I pray that he would be able to meet someone who would be able to make him love unconditionally and to experience how amazing love can be. I hope this love that we experienced is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of love and that we would be able to experienced a better, more whole kind of love in future...
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
Day 17
A lot of things has happened in the past two days...
Yesterday afternoon you called me telling me that you will have to stay far away from me and that you will not be contacting me for the time being...
I was upset but I thought okay... Until my issues with my ex are settled....
And yesterday night itself I did settled the issue and my ex is currently behind bars...
Somehow God just reminded me that I have a friend who he father is an inspector.. I reached out for help and managed to settle this issue... Praise God for that!
I tried calling you to tell you that the issues have been settled and that your life is not at stake anymore.. But you chose not to answer my call...
I only wanted to tell you that, that night when my ex called me to tell me that he saw me with a guy.. It was a fake.. He wanted to dig more information from me and he wanted to see how much I would tell him.... Thank goodness I didn't give any information...
I texted you to call me back because it was very hard to type it out through whatsapp...
I never expected you to block me through whatsapp today after reading my message....
You know the feeling of being block is like being blacklisted....
I thought okay... Maybe you thought I wanted to tell you more problems that you didn't want to be involved.. So I typed a message and asked Wenni to send to you....
However you still chose to continue blocking me on whatsapp....
So I guess this is your decision then...
I got a little out of hand because I didn't understand why you had to be so extreme and drastic as to blocking me on whatsapp...
Jess called me and talked to me over the phone...
She explained to me that the leaders said you shouldn't be the one who should be giving me the emotional support than I need.. I should be seeking the emotional support form the other female leaders and not you.. Because if you continue to provide me with this support, it would just complicate things...
I understand what she's saying and the intentions behind it..
It was your choice to choose this extreme way...
You might be thinking to yourself that you've told me yesterday that we should not contact for the time being but I'm not listening because I contacted you last night... So the immediate way to solve this way to block me so I wouldn't be able to text you and you wouldn't receive any messages from me...
It works well in the short term... But how you thought of the long term?
Or do you expect me to understand that this is just for the time being and everything would resume after this season....?
You might be thinking that this would work well for now and that after we have the distance between us.. Or when you decide to unblock me when you're ready that things would be the same that we could still be friends....
But let me tell you... The moment you block me on whatsapp, you've sent me an indirect message to me already... How I perceive your actions would be " Please get out of my life, I don't need you to be in my life"... Yeah, this is how I preceived the whole thing... Or maybe this is the message you would like to send to me as well...
It's either you are thinking that it's gonna be for the time being or that you do indeed want me out of your life....
But to me.. It's more to wanting me out of your life...
I know you've passed your DFM exam... I'm really happy for you and that I'm very proud of you too...
If we were still together, we would probably celebrate tomorrow...
If we were still friends, I would've been able to congratulate you...
But now that we're nothing, I can't do anything....
I'm really happy you passed your exam and it brings back some memories to me...
I remembered how I sent you an email to calm you down and to cheer you up...
You told me my email really calmed you down and you were more still....
Now I'm wondering now that you've passed, do you remember me supporting you through your exam? Or me calming you down...? I guess not...
I read all the comments people wished you on Facebook.. And I guess you don't need me to congratulate you for passing.... There are a lot of people waiting to celebrate with you and to wish you congratulations... With or without my wishes makes no difference... You probably don't even want me to wish you congratulations...
If I really do want to wish you congratulations... I could easily send you a text message or to drop you a Facebook message wishing you congratulations...
But I won't be doing it... I will not be wishing you because you want me out of your life...
You don't need me to congratulate you...
This is decision you made to eliminate me out of your life and I respect your decision...
I'm going through another grieving process where I feel that I've lost a friend...
It's going to be very hard to adjust myself to treat you like a stranger...
If we ever meet at church or homes or anything...
I will not acknowledge your presence neither will I talk to you...
To me, we're just strangers....
I don't know if you know how much you've hurt me by blocking me... And the indirect message you've sent me by taking this action...
You probably couldn't be bothered anyway for now.. You're too busy being happy over the pass of your exam... You're just happy now and whatever things or issues that are present will be swept aside...
I'm happy that your list of success is getting longer.. And that the failures in your life has reduced...
I wished I could be sharing your joy with you but not anymore; not even as friends..
You must be really happy now and happy at work tomorrow because of the joy of your success...
I'm not shocked if you stop thinking of the issues and problems between us..
Or if you've stopped thinking about the decision you made to block me on whatsapp...
You wouldn't need to think of all these unhappy events when you have other things to be happy about.. When you have people to celebrate the joy of your success....
I would like to think... The intentions of what you've said and done was for the best interest for the both of us.. And as much as it hurts me, it hurts you too...
As much as I can try to understand your intentions and reason behind your actions.. That is so much that j can understand.. No matter how much I understand it will never change how I perceived your actions and it will not change how hurt I feel...
But whatever it is...
I'm happy that you passed your exam.....
Congratulations on passing your exams Panda!! I'm very proud of you and always have been....
Goodbye Panda...
Goodbye to my good friend... My best friend... And to the guy I love a lot...
From now on, we're just strangers..
I don't know how things would be in future... But take care....
I will always remember the time we spent together.....
It will always be a part of me and my memories....
Yesterday afternoon you called me telling me that you will have to stay far away from me and that you will not be contacting me for the time being...
I was upset but I thought okay... Until my issues with my ex are settled....
And yesterday night itself I did settled the issue and my ex is currently behind bars...
Somehow God just reminded me that I have a friend who he father is an inspector.. I reached out for help and managed to settle this issue... Praise God for that!
I tried calling you to tell you that the issues have been settled and that your life is not at stake anymore.. But you chose not to answer my call...
I only wanted to tell you that, that night when my ex called me to tell me that he saw me with a guy.. It was a fake.. He wanted to dig more information from me and he wanted to see how much I would tell him.... Thank goodness I didn't give any information...
I texted you to call me back because it was very hard to type it out through whatsapp...
I never expected you to block me through whatsapp today after reading my message....
You know the feeling of being block is like being blacklisted....
I thought okay... Maybe you thought I wanted to tell you more problems that you didn't want to be involved.. So I typed a message and asked Wenni to send to you....
However you still chose to continue blocking me on whatsapp....
So I guess this is your decision then...
I got a little out of hand because I didn't understand why you had to be so extreme and drastic as to blocking me on whatsapp...
Jess called me and talked to me over the phone...
She explained to me that the leaders said you shouldn't be the one who should be giving me the emotional support than I need.. I should be seeking the emotional support form the other female leaders and not you.. Because if you continue to provide me with this support, it would just complicate things...
I understand what she's saying and the intentions behind it..
It was your choice to choose this extreme way...
You might be thinking to yourself that you've told me yesterday that we should not contact for the time being but I'm not listening because I contacted you last night... So the immediate way to solve this way to block me so I wouldn't be able to text you and you wouldn't receive any messages from me...
It works well in the short term... But how you thought of the long term?
Or do you expect me to understand that this is just for the time being and everything would resume after this season....?
You might be thinking that this would work well for now and that after we have the distance between us.. Or when you decide to unblock me when you're ready that things would be the same that we could still be friends....
But let me tell you... The moment you block me on whatsapp, you've sent me an indirect message to me already... How I perceive your actions would be " Please get out of my life, I don't need you to be in my life"... Yeah, this is how I preceived the whole thing... Or maybe this is the message you would like to send to me as well...
It's either you are thinking that it's gonna be for the time being or that you do indeed want me out of your life....
But to me.. It's more to wanting me out of your life...
I know you've passed your DFM exam... I'm really happy for you and that I'm very proud of you too...
If we were still together, we would probably celebrate tomorrow...
If we were still friends, I would've been able to congratulate you...
But now that we're nothing, I can't do anything....
I'm really happy you passed your exam and it brings back some memories to me...
I remembered how I sent you an email to calm you down and to cheer you up...
You told me my email really calmed you down and you were more still....
Now I'm wondering now that you've passed, do you remember me supporting you through your exam? Or me calming you down...? I guess not...
I read all the comments people wished you on Facebook.. And I guess you don't need me to congratulate you for passing.... There are a lot of people waiting to celebrate with you and to wish you congratulations... With or without my wishes makes no difference... You probably don't even want me to wish you congratulations...
If I really do want to wish you congratulations... I could easily send you a text message or to drop you a Facebook message wishing you congratulations...
But I won't be doing it... I will not be wishing you because you want me out of your life...
You don't need me to congratulate you...
This is decision you made to eliminate me out of your life and I respect your decision...
I'm going through another grieving process where I feel that I've lost a friend...
It's going to be very hard to adjust myself to treat you like a stranger...
If we ever meet at church or homes or anything...
I will not acknowledge your presence neither will I talk to you...
To me, we're just strangers....
I don't know if you know how much you've hurt me by blocking me... And the indirect message you've sent me by taking this action...
You probably couldn't be bothered anyway for now.. You're too busy being happy over the pass of your exam... You're just happy now and whatever things or issues that are present will be swept aside...
I'm happy that your list of success is getting longer.. And that the failures in your life has reduced...
I wished I could be sharing your joy with you but not anymore; not even as friends..
You must be really happy now and happy at work tomorrow because of the joy of your success...
I'm not shocked if you stop thinking of the issues and problems between us..
Or if you've stopped thinking about the decision you made to block me on whatsapp...
You wouldn't need to think of all these unhappy events when you have other things to be happy about.. When you have people to celebrate the joy of your success....
I would like to think... The intentions of what you've said and done was for the best interest for the both of us.. And as much as it hurts me, it hurts you too...
As much as I can try to understand your intentions and reason behind your actions.. That is so much that j can understand.. No matter how much I understand it will never change how I perceived your actions and it will not change how hurt I feel...
But whatever it is...
I'm happy that you passed your exam.....
Congratulations on passing your exams Panda!! I'm very proud of you and always have been....
Goodbye Panda...
Goodbye to my good friend... My best friend... And to the guy I love a lot...
From now on, we're just strangers..
I don't know how things would be in future... But take care....
I will always remember the time we spent together.....
It will always be a part of me and my memories....
Monday, January 18, 2016
Day 15
I went to work today looking like a zombie..
Everyone said I look pale and sick....
After leaving work early things happened again, I was being stalked on...
I had to report to police to make sure I'm safe.. After reporting I was still stalked on and the only thing I could think of was to find you... You were supposed to accompany me to the police station but it didn't happened because I've lodge a report while I was being stalked on....
I drive to Bukit Jalil to find you..
While I was waiting for you, I was trembling... I felt scared and I felt insecure...
When I finally saw you, i anted to run towards you and hugged you but I controlled myself...
I told you that I was being stalked on and you told me "Its ok, I'm here with you "... This sentence of yours actually calmed me down a little....
As we were driving off from the station, I saw my ex standing there looking at my direction.. I panicked and drove even faster....
We went to Sunway Pyramid to eat; I ate my favour ire korean food....
During that period when we were eating, we talked a lot... About us and everything....
You told me... "If I didn't jump the gun to start a relationship with you and be friends longer with you, we might still be together now"... When I heard that, my heart fell...
Well, if we didn't start the relationship, we would have broken up and we wouldn't be addressing our issues individually...
I told you that all these while you've been feeling that our relationship progressed too fast and maybe this was the only way to slow things down between us; to start every from scratch, from friends..
Who knows what would happen in future.. We might be together in future or we might just be good friends in future.. You just nod your head after listening to what I have to say...
You also told me that your first ex girlfriend knows you quite well..
She's seen many sides of you and you've seen different sides of her too...
The both of you have known each other for many many years...
I was wondering why didn't you reconcile with her since the both of you know each tiger so much... You just kept quiet....
I started asking myself if I were to know you more and if you were to know me more, will we be able to reconcile and start a relationship all over again...
I had this thought because many people told me the best relationship starts from best friends... Sigh..
I really hope we could be more than what we are now...
I told you how you were a good boyfriend to me...
Given all the circumstances and issues in you, you've done the best you could..
You've tried hard enough... And I told you that I hope I was an okay girlfriend to you too...
You said " you're kiterally the best girlfriend anyone could ever ask for.. I'm telling you know that in future I will never be able to find a girl who would treat me like you did; the love and support that you gave me"... When I heard you saying this, I was happy... At least I know I played my role well....
After talking we left sunway pyramid...
You insisted to follow me home because you feel that he might be there stalking on me...
During he journey back to my house, I kept looking at the back mirror...
We've been together for nearly 5 months and it's rare to have you to follow me home...
I can't believe now that we've broke up, you actually followed me home to make sure I'm safe...
Life can be very ironic at times...
I could see how worried you were...
I'm just blessed to have you....
We thought my ex didn't stalk on me anymore but then I received a call from my ex saying that a girl sent me home.. I hung up and called you to make sure if you're fine....
Thank goodness you're fine....
You told me not to let my ex use you against me...
You told me to be strong....
I could hear from your voice that you were emotionally exhausted.....
Im sorry panda..........
I'm sorry for dragging you into all this...
You didn't deserve this.....
You deserved much better.....
Everyone said I look pale and sick....
After leaving work early things happened again, I was being stalked on...
I had to report to police to make sure I'm safe.. After reporting I was still stalked on and the only thing I could think of was to find you... You were supposed to accompany me to the police station but it didn't happened because I've lodge a report while I was being stalked on....
I drive to Bukit Jalil to find you..
While I was waiting for you, I was trembling... I felt scared and I felt insecure...
When I finally saw you, i anted to run towards you and hugged you but I controlled myself...
I told you that I was being stalked on and you told me "Its ok, I'm here with you "... This sentence of yours actually calmed me down a little....
As we were driving off from the station, I saw my ex standing there looking at my direction.. I panicked and drove even faster....
We went to Sunway Pyramid to eat; I ate my favour ire korean food....
During that period when we were eating, we talked a lot... About us and everything....
You told me... "If I didn't jump the gun to start a relationship with you and be friends longer with you, we might still be together now"... When I heard that, my heart fell...
Well, if we didn't start the relationship, we would have broken up and we wouldn't be addressing our issues individually...
I told you that all these while you've been feeling that our relationship progressed too fast and maybe this was the only way to slow things down between us; to start every from scratch, from friends..
Who knows what would happen in future.. We might be together in future or we might just be good friends in future.. You just nod your head after listening to what I have to say...
You also told me that your first ex girlfriend knows you quite well..
She's seen many sides of you and you've seen different sides of her too...
The both of you have known each other for many many years...
I was wondering why didn't you reconcile with her since the both of you know each tiger so much... You just kept quiet....
I started asking myself if I were to know you more and if you were to know me more, will we be able to reconcile and start a relationship all over again...
I had this thought because many people told me the best relationship starts from best friends... Sigh..
I really hope we could be more than what we are now...
I told you how you were a good boyfriend to me...
Given all the circumstances and issues in you, you've done the best you could..
You've tried hard enough... And I told you that I hope I was an okay girlfriend to you too...
You said " you're kiterally the best girlfriend anyone could ever ask for.. I'm telling you know that in future I will never be able to find a girl who would treat me like you did; the love and support that you gave me"... When I heard you saying this, I was happy... At least I know I played my role well....
After talking we left sunway pyramid...
You insisted to follow me home because you feel that he might be there stalking on me...
During he journey back to my house, I kept looking at the back mirror...
We've been together for nearly 5 months and it's rare to have you to follow me home...
I can't believe now that we've broke up, you actually followed me home to make sure I'm safe...
Life can be very ironic at times...
I could see how worried you were...
I'm just blessed to have you....
We thought my ex didn't stalk on me anymore but then I received a call from my ex saying that a girl sent me home.. I hung up and called you to make sure if you're fine....
Thank goodness you're fine....
You told me not to let my ex use you against me...
You told me to be strong....
I could hear from your voice that you were emotionally exhausted.....
Im sorry panda..........
I'm sorry for dragging you into all this...
You didn't deserve this.....
You deserved much better.....
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Day 14
I don't know how to describe what I've felt today...
I was abused last night and I thiught I didn't want to tell anyone especially you...
Somehow today when I was at church, you could sensed that I'm down...
After church you asked me if I'm ok, I said I am okay and walked away...
As we were walking to our cars, you tapped on my shoulder and I was in pain... At the point you knew something happened to me and you probably already know that I was injured by someone...
Sigh... You read me so well....
Today at church I didn't expect you to initiate to ask if we would like to have brunch..
Of course I would love to! So I decided to forfeit the tickets to Ip Man3 and have brunch with you all since I didn't have the mood anyway...
I didn't expect us to be able to sit down to have brunch again...
I was overwhelmed when you decided to watch Ip Man 3 with us at Setia City Mall later in the afternoon... We were supposed to watch this movie together before we broke up.. I can't believe we could actually watch this movie together ... I'm really happy....
You've been trying to cheer me up today... Making me laugh and making sure I'm ok.... I am really happy....
Later in the evening today.. Something else happened and I was devastated...
I went to find you and Yinli because I know if I didn't find you all, I'd kill myself...
I told you all what happened and I think you were shocked and sad....
I really don't know if I made the right choice telling you...
You comforted me...
You didn't judge me...
You accepted me....
I remembered how you sayang-ed my head just now...
I loved how you sayang me just now.. I always have..
When I was crying like mad, you asked me if I wanted a hug...
It made me cry more because I felt so unworthy...
Before I left, I hugged you tightly....
You pushed my hair to a side and hugged me...
I didn't want to let you go because being in your arms felt so good...
There's nothing more to ask for than to be in your arms....
Maybe breaking up with me was a right decision because if you were still with me, you would be so stressed out knowing what has happened to me.. And probably feel useless for not being able to comfort me or making me feel good again.....hm
I was abused last night and I thiught I didn't want to tell anyone especially you...
Somehow today when I was at church, you could sensed that I'm down...
After church you asked me if I'm ok, I said I am okay and walked away...
As we were walking to our cars, you tapped on my shoulder and I was in pain... At the point you knew something happened to me and you probably already know that I was injured by someone...
Sigh... You read me so well....
Today at church I didn't expect you to initiate to ask if we would like to have brunch..
Of course I would love to! So I decided to forfeit the tickets to Ip Man3 and have brunch with you all since I didn't have the mood anyway...
I didn't expect us to be able to sit down to have brunch again...
I was overwhelmed when you decided to watch Ip Man 3 with us at Setia City Mall later in the afternoon... We were supposed to watch this movie together before we broke up.. I can't believe we could actually watch this movie together ... I'm really happy....
You've been trying to cheer me up today... Making me laugh and making sure I'm ok.... I am really happy....
Later in the evening today.. Something else happened and I was devastated...
I went to find you and Yinli because I know if I didn't find you all, I'd kill myself...
I told you all what happened and I think you were shocked and sad....
I really don't know if I made the right choice telling you...
You comforted me...
You didn't judge me...
You accepted me....
I remembered how you sayang-ed my head just now...
I loved how you sayang me just now.. I always have..
When I was crying like mad, you asked me if I wanted a hug...
It made me cry more because I felt so unworthy...
Before I left, I hugged you tightly....
You pushed my hair to a side and hugged me...
I didn't want to let you go because being in your arms felt so good...
There's nothing more to ask for than to be in your arms....
Maybe breaking up with me was a right decision because if you were still with me, you would be so stressed out knowing what has happened to me.. And probably feel useless for not being able to comfort me or making me feel good again.....hm
Saturday, January 16, 2016
Day 13
Today was a very memorable and happy day for me...
I decided to go to the Splendor tournament today.. I changed my mind to go was entirely because of you.. I wanted to see you as much as I could before I leave and that this would probably be the last time I'll be able to play in a tournament with you... I also wanted to see you do well in the tournament..
When I decided to join the tournament, I didn't expect to win or to get into the finals..
All I wanted was to have fun with you and that this would be a very precious memory of us playing in a tournament...
Surprisingly I really won the tournament and you got second place!!☺️☺️
I'm happy that I won but I'm happier that you got second place...
You didn't even expect yourself to enter finals and to win second place...
This victory that you achieved will definitely help you to boost your confidence and self esteem as a person... You did very very well and I'm really proud of you...
I'm proud to see you do so well...
I'm proud to see how far you've come...
I'm proud to see you being proud...
I'm proud that my ex panda won a second place in the tournament...
I'm just so proud of you....
We thought the tournament would start early in the morning but it was postponed until 2.30 in the afternoon.. You wanted to forfeit the tournament and leave to a board games session... I'm glad you didn't leave... Because if you have left, I'll never be able to see the proud and happy panda who did so well in the tournament... You once said you were never a challenge to me in board games but today you definitely were a challenge to me... You played my favorite board game well...
We ate brunch together at Canton-i.. I was really happy that we managed to eat together because I thought we would never have the chance to sit down and eat together again...
We were talking about a lot of things and we were both laughing...
You told me you've not seen me so happy before even when we were together...
Well, I guess it's because I'm addressing all the unresolved issues in my life that made me a happier person...
Maybe... I am indeed a happy person but because of all the things that is holding me back made me the stress and tensed up Nicole that you know....
I'm going to address all of my issues and close all the books which are still open...
I'm really happy....
When I'm around you... I feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world....
You were a great boyfriend to me despite all your issues...
I hope I was an okay girlfriend to you too...
Nothing makes me happier than seeing you happy...
Nothing makes me feel proud than to see you doing so well in a tournament....
I decided to go to the Splendor tournament today.. I changed my mind to go was entirely because of you.. I wanted to see you as much as I could before I leave and that this would probably be the last time I'll be able to play in a tournament with you... I also wanted to see you do well in the tournament..
When I decided to join the tournament, I didn't expect to win or to get into the finals..
All I wanted was to have fun with you and that this would be a very precious memory of us playing in a tournament...
Surprisingly I really won the tournament and you got second place!!☺️☺️
I'm happy that I won but I'm happier that you got second place...
You didn't even expect yourself to enter finals and to win second place...
This victory that you achieved will definitely help you to boost your confidence and self esteem as a person... You did very very well and I'm really proud of you...
I'm proud to see you do so well...
I'm proud to see how far you've come...
I'm proud to see you being proud...
I'm proud that my ex panda won a second place in the tournament...
I'm just so proud of you....
We thought the tournament would start early in the morning but it was postponed until 2.30 in the afternoon.. You wanted to forfeit the tournament and leave to a board games session... I'm glad you didn't leave... Because if you have left, I'll never be able to see the proud and happy panda who did so well in the tournament... You once said you were never a challenge to me in board games but today you definitely were a challenge to me... You played my favorite board game well...
We ate brunch together at Canton-i.. I was really happy that we managed to eat together because I thought we would never have the chance to sit down and eat together again...
We were talking about a lot of things and we were both laughing...
You told me you've not seen me so happy before even when we were together...
Well, I guess it's because I'm addressing all the unresolved issues in my life that made me a happier person...
Maybe... I am indeed a happy person but because of all the things that is holding me back made me the stress and tensed up Nicole that you know....
I'm going to address all of my issues and close all the books which are still open...
I'm really happy....
When I'm around you... I feel like I'm the luckiest girl in the world....
You were a great boyfriend to me despite all your issues...
I hope I was an okay girlfriend to you too...
Nothing makes me happier than seeing you happy...
Nothing makes me feel proud than to see you doing so well in a tournament....
Friday, January 15, 2016
Day 12
Today I saw you again.....hmm...
I had lunch with Max at the mamak near your office and I didn't expect to see you there...
Somehow when I tapped my hand at your back, you turned and gave me a frustrated kind of look..
It kept me wondering if I did something wrong or if you had a bad day...
Sigh...
I decided to see Carol at 8 something at night today and she told me you were going around that time too..
She asked me if I could come another day so that it wouldn't be too awkward...
Well, what I had on my mind was if you want to avoid me then you should be the one avoiding me, not me... I told her if we bump then we bump if we don't then we don't....
So after facial I went to the hospital and talked to her... I thought you would not come and that you would avoid me.. It was out of my expectation to see you there...
As we were leaving we managed to talk to each other....
It was a good talk..really it was...
I told you how I understood the importance of listening and the issues that was between us...
And you also told me that you are going to look into your issues.. Im really happy because I think you should really sort your issues out....
I've been praying very hard for you to have a breakthrough and I am sure God is already working on you.. I am really proud of you!!
You told me this 2 weeks have been a roller coaster for you.. You are happy, sad, angry and at times you cry... It made me wonder how much did our relationship really meant to you... I thought you were happy and relieved but when I heard you saying all this, I guess I was wrong.. The break up was painful for the both of us...
You also told me you went on a date with one of your friend and you felt something in you is pulling you back.. I guess it's the same for me... phobia of the opposite gender.. LOL!
I did think to myself what if I were to see you dating another women in future.. What would I do...
I guess I'll feel really hurt and sad.. I might not be able to withstand the pain that I'll withdraw myself from your life entirely... I really don't know... I guess only time will tell and I'm sure it would happen very soon... you'll start dating very very soon again...hmmm..
After talking to you today, I realize I have started to let go of you and that I have moved on.. I could talk to you without feeling hurt.. I could smile when I was talking to you... I didn't cry after we left our own ways... Through this whole process and journey, I see us growing into a better person...
I see some minor changes in you and the fact that you want to do something about your issues is already a breakthrough!.. As for me, I guess you would have realized how I am starting to change...
I'm really happy for the both of us that we are growing and maturing individually....
I still think back about our memories together... I really miss those times....
I miss how you hold me in your arms... and how you kissed me... I really missed those times.....
I had lunch with Max at the mamak near your office and I didn't expect to see you there...
Somehow when I tapped my hand at your back, you turned and gave me a frustrated kind of look..
It kept me wondering if I did something wrong or if you had a bad day...
Sigh...
I decided to see Carol at 8 something at night today and she told me you were going around that time too..
She asked me if I could come another day so that it wouldn't be too awkward...
Well, what I had on my mind was if you want to avoid me then you should be the one avoiding me, not me... I told her if we bump then we bump if we don't then we don't....
So after facial I went to the hospital and talked to her... I thought you would not come and that you would avoid me.. It was out of my expectation to see you there...
As we were leaving we managed to talk to each other....
It was a good talk..really it was...
I told you how I understood the importance of listening and the issues that was between us...
And you also told me that you are going to look into your issues.. Im really happy because I think you should really sort your issues out....
I've been praying very hard for you to have a breakthrough and I am sure God is already working on you.. I am really proud of you!!
You told me this 2 weeks have been a roller coaster for you.. You are happy, sad, angry and at times you cry... It made me wonder how much did our relationship really meant to you... I thought you were happy and relieved but when I heard you saying all this, I guess I was wrong.. The break up was painful for the both of us...
You also told me you went on a date with one of your friend and you felt something in you is pulling you back.. I guess it's the same for me... phobia of the opposite gender.. LOL!
I did think to myself what if I were to see you dating another women in future.. What would I do...
I guess I'll feel really hurt and sad.. I might not be able to withstand the pain that I'll withdraw myself from your life entirely... I really don't know... I guess only time will tell and I'm sure it would happen very soon... you'll start dating very very soon again...hmmm..
After talking to you today, I realize I have started to let go of you and that I have moved on.. I could talk to you without feeling hurt.. I could smile when I was talking to you... I didn't cry after we left our own ways... Through this whole process and journey, I see us growing into a better person...
I see some minor changes in you and the fact that you want to do something about your issues is already a breakthrough!.. As for me, I guess you would have realized how I am starting to change...
I'm really happy for the both of us that we are growing and maturing individually....
I still think back about our memories together... I really miss those times....
I miss how you hold me in your arms... and how you kissed me... I really missed those times.....
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Day 11 ( The importance of Listening)
I came across this verse that reminded me of the
thing you dislike about me...
Proverbs 18:2 - "A fool finds no pleasure in
understanding but delights in airing his own opinions"..
It really reminded me of how bad a listener I was
to you and to the people around me...
Little did I know listening plays an important part
in any relationship.. If only I realize how important this was as it was also
stated in the Bible, our relationship might have gone further.. It's too late
to regret now and all I can do is to improve myself and be a better Nicole....
Why is listening so important?
1. Listening is a form of love. By listening, we
put aside our agenda, we take a break from what we are doing and give our
attention to the other. Listening requires selflessness and humility. It is a
form of love and love is good for all relationships.
2. Listening shows you care. Listening shows you
want to understand what the other person is experiencing, is feeling and is
thinking. When someones close to you senses that you are not really listening
to what they have to say, that person is rightfully hurt. Not listening gives
the message that you are not interested in the other person or what the person
has to say. Listening shows you care which in turn strengthens relationships.
All these while you have been talking about how
much you long for people to listen to you but I guess I just neglected your
feelings. I was asking myself why didn't you tell me to change and be a better
listener for you or why didn't you just tell me off.. I guess you didn't want
to change how I was as a person because you feel that it isn't right to change
a person and that shouldn't be the way. Well, I guess to me it's not changing
me, it's becoming a better me.. I hope I can acquire this skills of listening
and be a blessing to the people around me.. If only I realized earlier...
things might have been different...
My feelings was rather mixed up today.. I felt
anger and hatred in me...
I remembered there was once when you told me all
these years no girl's gave you the feeling of wanting to be in a relationship
until you met me.. But 2 weeks ago you told me when you started this
relationship with me, your feelings wasn't as strong as you thought it would
be.. I felt the anger in me and the hatred too... I asked myself why should I
continue loving you, caring for you as well as supporting you when everything
was wrong from day 1.. I asked myself why should I continue waiting for you
when you will never reciprocate to my love or be committed to me... I asked
myself why should I be upset over a guy who claimed to love me but hurts me in
the end...
A different kind of pain I've felt today...hmm...
I asked my mum if she sees any changes in me since
I've started a relationship with you..
She said she could see me going to the right path
back to Christ.. and that I am becoming a better person and know what I want in
my life...
She said the biggest difference she sees in me is
not when I am with you.. Instead it is after we've broken up...
She said throughout this period of us being apart,
the things that I say and do really show's that I've mature and grown up
compared to before... Which she thinks it is a positive change....
Sigh.. must I go through a break up to grow and
mature? It's a very painful way.. but I guess if it was planned by God then He
must have he reasons to allow me to go through this..
I read through all the sweet messages you've sent
to me in the past..
I thought I would cry but I didn't...
I read this message with you saying that you will
never give up on this relationship until you have given your best...
I asked myself if you've given your best.. and I
also asked myself if you have ever asked yourself this question before you gave
up on us...Sigh...
You know I really feel like giving up on
you.. when I have made my mind to give up on someone/something.. I will go all
out doing it and there will never be any U-turn... But somehow, there's this
feeling in me telling me not to close this book..... I don't know why am I
feeling this way..
I prayed to God that if you are meant for me,
please do not bring anymore guys into my life and just leave things the way it
is.. I'll just wait for the right timing for us to reconnect again...
I suddenly have this urge of hugging you from the back, squeezing you
tightly against my body... feeling the warmth of your body... I miss hugging
you a lot....
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Day 10
Yesterday night I read an article regarding broken relationships and reconciliation..
I guess that article really helped me to move on from you and from our past relationship..
A lot of the things that was mentioned in the article was really relevant to me..
It says that if I continue to be depressed, sad or hurt, the next time when you see me.. all you will feel is negative vibes from me... and it will just remind you of our failed relationship... Instead if I were work on myself during this period when we are barely friends, the next time when we talk or when we communicate again, you will feel that I am a more confidence and happier person.. Well, at least it gives you some positive feeling when we finally talk again... If I were to continue to be down and depressed, I think it will just drive you further away... Cause I will just remind you of all the failed and sad things in our relationship... I believe if we were meant to be together or to reconcile in future, everything will have to start from scratch.. This is because the platform of our relationship is already broken and to have a new relationship, we will have to build a new platform again.. We will have to get to know each other and be friends again and see where things take us...
I also cut my hair yesterday.. it's like a new start, a new beginning and also a new me =)....
This morning I said a prayer for the both of us that God will continue to bless us in our friendship and relationship.. and also to give us strength and wisdom to overcome our issues in our life... I also prayed to God that during this time where we are not contacting each other, I prayed that He will reveal our true feelings for each other.. that if I really love you, during this time apart, I'll miss you more.. and that if you still like me, you'll think of me more... and that we will both realize the importance of each other's presence in our lives.... I believe if we are really meant to be, during this time of us being separated and not contacting each other will make us realize how much we meant to each other.. There is a saying that says "absence makes a heart grow fonder"... I do believe it ~...
During lunch today, I purposely went down late to buy fruits, hoping to avoid bumping into you...
I think the more I avoid you, the more I bump into you...
As I was walking to the fruit stall, I saw you running back towards your office..
We smiled and said hi to each other...
Well, my heart was beating very fast... just like the first time I saw you again back in June 2015..
After buying fruits, I was walking back to office and I saw you running toward my direction.. I was shocked... I asked you why were you running here and there... You answered " I came back to talk to you".. I was wondering what else is there to talk between us... You asked me if I was going to UK to study and if I have decided... Sigh.. It was quite an okay chat for a couple who has just broken up... it didn't feel as awkward as I thought it would be... It's a good start I guess...
I'll definitely miss you from UK........
I guess that article really helped me to move on from you and from our past relationship..
A lot of the things that was mentioned in the article was really relevant to me..
It says that if I continue to be depressed, sad or hurt, the next time when you see me.. all you will feel is negative vibes from me... and it will just remind you of our failed relationship... Instead if I were work on myself during this period when we are barely friends, the next time when we talk or when we communicate again, you will feel that I am a more confidence and happier person.. Well, at least it gives you some positive feeling when we finally talk again... If I were to continue to be down and depressed, I think it will just drive you further away... Cause I will just remind you of all the failed and sad things in our relationship... I believe if we were meant to be together or to reconcile in future, everything will have to start from scratch.. This is because the platform of our relationship is already broken and to have a new relationship, we will have to build a new platform again.. We will have to get to know each other and be friends again and see where things take us...
I also cut my hair yesterday.. it's like a new start, a new beginning and also a new me =)....
This morning I said a prayer for the both of us that God will continue to bless us in our friendship and relationship.. and also to give us strength and wisdom to overcome our issues in our life... I also prayed to God that during this time where we are not contacting each other, I prayed that He will reveal our true feelings for each other.. that if I really love you, during this time apart, I'll miss you more.. and that if you still like me, you'll think of me more... and that we will both realize the importance of each other's presence in our lives.... I believe if we are really meant to be, during this time of us being separated and not contacting each other will make us realize how much we meant to each other.. There is a saying that says "absence makes a heart grow fonder"... I do believe it ~...
During lunch today, I purposely went down late to buy fruits, hoping to avoid bumping into you...
I think the more I avoid you, the more I bump into you...
As I was walking to the fruit stall, I saw you running back towards your office..
We smiled and said hi to each other...
Well, my heart was beating very fast... just like the first time I saw you again back in June 2015..
After buying fruits, I was walking back to office and I saw you running toward my direction.. I was shocked... I asked you why were you running here and there... You answered " I came back to talk to you".. I was wondering what else is there to talk between us... You asked me if I was going to UK to study and if I have decided... Sigh.. It was quite an okay chat for a couple who has just broken up... it didn't feel as awkward as I thought it would be... It's a good start I guess...
I'll definitely miss you from UK........
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Day 9
People say as time pass, the pain and the feeling of sadness will reduce..
I can say that it's all lies... It's the second week into our break up and I'm feeling worse...
I'm feeling very upset, hurt and depressed..
I can't stop thinking about you and about us...
Every time when I think of us,I cry...it feels like we've just broken up yesterday...
All the memories we shared seems like just yesterday...
During lunch today when I was walking downstairs, I saw you..
I didn't know what to do so I walked pass you and acted as though I never saw you...
I walked right in front of you so I guess you might have saw me too... But I guess you are feeling the same thing like I do that is why you didn't acknowledged me...
When we were friends, we could easily say hi and talk together or even walking together...
When we were together, if we saw each other we would smile and talk together... We would walk together hands in hands...
What have we become now?
We can't even say the simplest thing, we can't even say hi....
The difference in our relationship is greatly felt.....
I do wonder what are you feeling now and how do you feel about me...
But I know that you will never regret breaking up with me and you will never look back and reconcile with me....
What am I doing here? Why am I still stuck here while you have already moved on...
I heard a song today that explains my feelings for you....
Right Here Waiting For You
Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain
If I see you next to never
How can we say forever
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me going crazy
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me going crazy
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
Waiting for you
I can say that it's all lies... It's the second week into our break up and I'm feeling worse...
I'm feeling very upset, hurt and depressed..
I can't stop thinking about you and about us...
Every time when I think of us,I cry...it feels like we've just broken up yesterday...
All the memories we shared seems like just yesterday...
During lunch today when I was walking downstairs, I saw you..
I didn't know what to do so I walked pass you and acted as though I never saw you...
I walked right in front of you so I guess you might have saw me too... But I guess you are feeling the same thing like I do that is why you didn't acknowledged me...
When we were friends, we could easily say hi and talk together or even walking together...
When we were together, if we saw each other we would smile and talk together... We would walk together hands in hands...
What have we become now?
We can't even say the simplest thing, we can't even say hi....
The difference in our relationship is greatly felt.....
I do wonder what are you feeling now and how do you feel about me...
But I know that you will never regret breaking up with me and you will never look back and reconcile with me....
What am I doing here? Why am I still stuck here while you have already moved on...
I heard a song today that explains my feelings for you....
Right Here Waiting For You
Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain
If I see you next to never
How can we say forever
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me going crazy
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me going crazy
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
Waiting for you
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